1st of all i would like to start off by saying that if you have anything hurtful or thoughtless to say then i dont need to hear it. I first posted this on yahoo answers and it amazes me how heartless and rude people are. But i guess to people like that it doesnt matter who their child is around. So i will explain exactly what i am talking about...

My husband and I are going through a divorce. It should be final December 18th. I have a lawyer and so on, but i still feel very anxious about what is going to happen to our 15 month old daughter. I filed for divorce because my husband was very abusive, addicted to drugs and was having more affairs than i could count. Not saying i was perfect or even that i came out of it clean. Yes after his continued affairs i eventually met a good guy who is my current boyfriend. Wasnt planned that way but thats how it turned out and im thankful for that because i have a man who treats me right and is wonderful with my daughter. I wasnt having an "affair" with him, but we were very good friends and i talked to him about my problems a lot.
My husband and I officially split up in July after the cops were called for him going off and being abusive to me yet again. After he wouldnt let me go comfort my screaming daughter who was scared to death from all the yelling she woke up to. After he got my blood all over her. Some say im stupid for not leaving sooner, some say i deserved it (or the idiots from yahoo answers did neways) Thats when i left him for good. Since then he has tried to get back with me numerous times, but hasnt so much as asked about the well being of his daughter or bought her pampers or food or anything. So ill go ahead and say a little about him, not to slander his name because my accusations mean little but the proof i have supporting them means a lot.

My husband is 25 years old. He has two other children by two other women (one child of which i didnt find out about until recently). Hes not part of his other daughters life because he cant be consistent and she forgets who he is. He didnt even claim his son until recently. Which is why i knew nothing about his 2cd child. Our daughter is the youngest at 15 months old. I didnt know who i married when i married him. Everything he told me was a lie and i didnt find out who he really was until later on. Like he had some sort of secret identity or something. He had a criminal record a mile long full of drug charges and armed robbery etc. Which i payed to have ex-ponged after finding out that was the reason he couldnt get a job. He abuses prescription drugs as well as buys them off the street (which is where the majority of our money went instead of on bills and taking care of our child), smokes marijuana (but managed to pass his drug tests at work by buying a product called "Folli-clean" which he had to drive 2 hours away to get), and was physically & mentally abusive to me through out our entire marriage. In fact, he was suppose to be in court Nov 16 for past due child support on his other daughter. Im not sure if he went or not, he never went to any of the other ones he was suppose to go to regarding his child support. I wouldnt exactly say he was a bad father for not paying his child support if i knew that he tried, but he never has. He QUIT a job that payed pretty well because my lawyer told the child support office were he worked and they starting taking child support out of his check. He doesnt seem to care a thing about his kids but is threatening to go for visitation of our daughter out of spite towards me. Because i have moved on with my life and he no longer controls everything i do. He is going for the last little bit of control that he could possibly get, what would hurt me the most. My daughter.

And the people on yahoo answers seem to think im a "*****" for not wanting my child around someone like that or in an enviornment were my child could be hurt or be inhaling the smoke from all the marijuana him and his buddies were lighting up in front of her. Im sorry to the people who think im a "*****". But if thats what i have to be called for actually giving a damn about what happens to my child and her well being then i will gladly be the biggest "*****" in the world.

I know i sound angry at my ex but im really not. I forgive him for what he has done to me. It is no longer my business what he does. It is however, my business when it involves my child who i love more than anything in this world. So i dont think that i am being selfish for not wanting him to be in her life. Because i tried. I told him we would set days he could see her as long as someone i trusted was around to make sure everything was okay and that he needed to check on her twice a week or so. I thought i was being rather fair. Im not asking for child support or a thing from him. Only my daughter and that if he was going to be part of her life to be around and be a father. But i never heard from him after that. Not regarding our daughter anyways. Only to know what his password to a website was. Never once did he ask about her. When my daughter is away from me for a night i always call and check on her and see how she is. So i guess to me, for him to not even ask how she is doing but pop up out of the blue every 3 or 4 months and want to see her is unacceptable. I say that because thats the way he is with his other daughter and is seeming to be the same way with mine.

So i dont feel like i am in the wrong for asking full custody of my daughter with no visitations by him. Because if he put forth an effort to see her i would gladly let him as long as he wasnt doped up or drunk. I understand that is her "biological" father. She needs to know who he is and if hes not around i will tell her. I cant honestly see any court allowing him anything to her. But it still scares me to death and worries me constantly.

To me, being a father is a lot more than helping creating a child. Which is all that he did. And it has always been important to me that she has a father figure in her life because i never had that and i know how it has effected me. And i thank god that she still has that father figure. Not by her "biological" father but by my boyfriend who treats her as if she was his own child. Who watches her where i can go to school (which i wasnt allowed to do while i was married so im getting a late start), buys her pampers and clothes and toys. Who loves her and who she loves. Who likes to spend time with her and teach her new things like how to put the right shape in the right hole. He is AMAZING with her. And seeing them together brings tears to my eyes. He is a wonderful person with a loving heart who has never even so much as raised his voice to me. And i know thats the type of father figure she needs. She spent the first eleven months of her life around screaming and fighting (because i didnt even get the decency to get drug to the bedroom to be hit, it had to be in front of my daughter). Its time she has a normal life...for both of us to. I know it was my fault for staying. But i thought i was doing what was best for her by being with her father. That is until my grandmother and mother sat me down and said i needed to stop the cycle (both my mother & grandmother were in very abusive relationships. My father was very abusive to my mother around me when i was very young, only reason it stopped is because he died.) And i thought about that. My mother would never sacrifice anything for me, it was always my grandmother. But in my mind right then i knew that i had to leave. I still have love for my husband, thats not something you can just turn off. And i am thankful for the child he gave me, but he needs help. As i said before, im not saying this out of anger or hate for him (i just think everything he is doing/has done is not right) but im more angry at the people from yahoo answers for just practically being like ' oh you should just let your kid be around her drug addict pot smoking abusive father, if she gets hurt or lost while he is passed out on pills oh well, thats he father and if he wants to throw her out of a moving vehicle thats fine because thats her father'. I am just so upset about the remarks i got from that site and the idiots on there. Ugh.

Anyways. Would like to thank everyone for listening to me rant. I just needed to get that out of my system and reassure myself that this is what is right for her. Because i have went back and forth the entire time asking myself if im just being selfish and had to actually write down the reasons why he should and shouldnt be around her. So if anyone has any useful advice or is in a similar situation (which i doubt but hey you never know) then feel free to leave a comment or vent if helpful.

Congratulations to you for getting up the courage to leave! Don't blame yourself for not leaving sooner. Abusive relationships are VERY insidious. The abuser works hard to make his victim feel she can't live without him. You have proved that you are a very strong person by leaving, getting a lawyer, and actively working to make a better life for yourself and your daughter.

Is there even a remote chance that your ex would emotionally or physically abuse your daughter like he did you? If so, then work with your lawyer to do ALL you can to restrict his parental rights. YOU must protect your daughter, she can't protect herself! She has a father figure in her life now who is loving and kind, but even if he were not there, it would be better for her to get close to an uncle or teacher or pastor than to a father who would abuse her. You have a lot of the proof you need in the domestic calls to the police and to his lack of interest in supporting/seeing his other children. Let your lawyer use that to explicitly restrict his partental rights. If he insists on seeing her (most likely to hurt you), then make regular child support payments a requirement of access to your daughter. If he's unwilling to pay childsupport (as is his habit), he can't see her...

Stay strong and remember that your daughter can't speak up for herself. Even if her father were to emotionally abuse her, she would not recognize it as abuse, but feel it's her fault. YOU must protect her from becoming a victim until she's old enough to make those judgement calls for herself. Be her advocate and stay strong for yourself and her!!!

((HUGS))

I comend you for finding your selfworth and your self esteem and realizing you deserve better for yourself and your daughter. You left and that's the hardest step for someone in an abusive realationship. I agree with kare.bear, you have to speak for your daughter since she cannot do it for herself. I know you want your daughter to have a father in her life but remember a father is someone who will love the child unconditionally, not hurt the child. I wish I had some more encourageing words or advice but all I can say is to continue to move forward towards your new life and congratulations on the new found confidence.

I believe you are doing the right thing. The father of my children is also a drug addict & alcoholic and since I left him I only let him see our children when I am present. I will not let them go to his house because I know he will be drinking, smoking, etc.. around them. He also has 3 other children whom he never sees and from what I have learned he only paid child support on them while he & I were together, that is because I made him work. Of course after I kicked him out he got fired because he was drunk and fighting with his manager, so now nobody is getting child support. Its kind of funny he always used to say he shouldn't have to pay child support for his other kids because he never saw them, but I let him see our children and he still comes up with reasons as to why he can't pay anything for them (of course he always has something to drink or smoke). A few times that he has come over I've noticed he as smelled of alcohol and he dosen't think he needs to do anything with/for the kids when he is there, so that combined with the lack of financial support is leading me toward not allowing him to see them at all.(sorry, I had to vent for a second)
You made the right choice in getting out of the relationship & you are making the right choice keeping you child away from him. I'd be concerned that he may become abusive toward her if there was no one else around. I hope everyting works out for you.

this guy sounds like a total loser. THANK GOD you got out. don't leave your baby w/ him b/c you don't know if his other loser friends would be around and it's too scary to think about what could happen to her or where she could be taken. sounds like he would be too drunk to show up for visitation anyway. just to be safe, and your new guy sounds great, do a criminal background check on him. you can do it on the web and it's free. hate to say it, but he's knows you and your daughter are vulnerable. never know what happens when you're not around. like i said, it's free and on the web. takes 5 seconds.

hugs! we are all here for you!
http://www.examiner.com/x-24864-Milw...amily-Examiner

Congratulations on finding the courage to get out of that situation.

Have you thought about supervised visitations? Your daughter will probably be curious about her dad as she gets older. Supervised visitions can allow her to still have some sort of relationship with him, but in an environment that is safe for her.

Yes i have considered it. And that would be fine with me as long as he would stick to the days he was suppose to see her. But i really dont think that he will. In the beginning i told him that he could see her anytime he wanted and he never even asked to see her or came to see her. Then i told him i would set days where he could come see her at a certain time & i didnt hear from him in 3 weeks. Then out of the blue he asked if he could see her but i had already made plans for her for that day & he didnt give me ne notice in advance so i said no. Havent heard from him since. I made the effort, he just never seems to care. So thats one reason i think she is better off without him in her life. He will never be consistent. and will always be in and out if i let him be. I feel that she deserves better than that and that it would only hurt her more wondering why she wasnt good enough for him to want to see her or why he hasnt came around in 3 or 4 months. I just dont see that being good for her.

Not to mention since he got the papers concerning the court date i have had very mean things happen to me. Like my mailbox was vandalized earlier this week to where the side was busted out and the lid was missing. Then just last night i had a bomb go off and blow it up and had to have the fire & police dpt out here. Not to mention my mothers (who lives the next road over from me) mailbox was also blown up last night. I think it was him that done it but have no proof so it wouldnt matter. I just think it is to much of a coincidence for mine and my mothers mailboxes to both be vandalized in the same night. It really scared me because that could have been my car or my house and my child could have gotten hurt. Which makes me furious. I live in a very small town in the country. We dont even lock our doors at night for gods sakes; and the only reason anyone around here owns a gun is to shoot possums, raccoons etc. But i actually borrowed a gun from my grandmother to just feel safe. And for me that is a horrible feeling. Just wish i could prove it was him. *ugh*

If he is still addicted to drugs, he should not be around any children, yours or otherwise. Your responsiblity is to your child only. If keeping her safe and healthy means he never sees her, then that is what you should do for her. I am the child of an abusive father and the best thing my mom ever did for me was get him out of our house and our lives. If he was abusive towards you as his wife, how long do you think it will be before he is abusive towards your child? Parenting is revokable privilage, not a right. Do what is right for your child.

the best thing to do was leave! iam proud that you did that. thats how my dad was to my mom she stayed with him for about 6 years! because she thought she could change him. but you cant. you just need to do what best for you and your child!! if it was me i would not let him around her at all!! it sounds like your doing well. i hope the best for you and will keep you in our prays .