Newly Split Parents/Toddler-Help!

[SarahLovesGracie]

Hello! This is my first time posting, but i need some help.

I am a 22 year old first time mother... and my daughters father and I just split up, it has been hard on us all but mostly on my 20 month old daughter. She is normally so happy and active, and now it seems every day when i come home from work and pick her up she acts out all afternoon. She will be at my feet, whining constantly. I have tried comforting her, and Ive been spending as much time playing with her as I can... but I have to cook in the afternoon and its become impossible. I dont really know what I can do to comfort her or make her feel better. It has been a month since we split- and now when she sees him she is mad at him. She doesnt want anything to do with him, and it breaks his heart. He wants to see her but I dont want to be around him WITH her too much, and she throws a fit if he takes her away from me! Should i wait another month or so and then let her see him? Is it just too confusing right now for her?? I really just dont know what to do and need some good advice- coping with my emotions and hers have just left me stumped. I have not been crying in front of her, I have been acting completely happy and playful with her.

Please help!

[moonemaiden]

My husband and I split up for just over a year when my daughter was 19 months old. We have since worked things out, mostly because we worked together to make things easier on her during the split. Expect her to be clingy and upset. Her entire world has just changed on her and she doesn't understand any of it. Give her the extra attention she needs as best you can, and let her father do the same. She needs to know that both of you are still there for her even if not for each other. Unless safety is a concern, continue letting her see her father. Sit down with him, when she is asleep or with a sitter, and work out a schedule that you can both stick too. This would also be a great time to make sure you're on the same page as far as daily routines, rules, and discipline goes as well. This will provide her with consistency and routine.

It will be bumpy at first, and things will be hard for her. But things won't get easier for her if you keep putting it off either. Imagine yourself in her situation, what would you need to be right with the world again? The key is working together for your child's best interests. I wish you the best of luck, it's a tough road but you'll get through.

[SarahLovesGracie]

Thank you- I appreciate the help.

[IRCandice]

Here is the deal your daughter is not even two and does not know what is good for her an regardless of how it seems when she leaves her father should be in her life 50/50.

She is old enough now for overnights and I think leaving her with him is a better idea then you staying. If you go to court they will make you leave anyways. Despite what you may feel about him they need there time and it is only right ot do 50/50 I have seen 1st hand what fighting parents and not having 5/50 can do to a child. Unless there are drugs or abuse you need to be the adult and do whats right not what seems right. She is not old enough to know what is going on and will get used to the issues but keeping her father away is very wrong and will only hurt your relationship in the long run.

[mortificando]

I know its hard, I just split up with my husband and my daughter is only 10 weeks old! But I think that the baby doesn't have to suffer for our mistakes, and we need to be mature enough to deal with our problems and not involve the baby with our feelings. You need to let her enjoy having a daddy and spend quality time with him. He is her father just like you're her mom and you both have rights over her, even though you're the one taking care of her (took me a while to get though), and the only one affected with these types of issues are our innocent children. You can do some things on your own to let your emotions settle in the mean time, and think of her and nothing but her. You'll see that even though it's very hard seeing him around the baby and not you, you'll get use to it. Maybe you will even see him as a friend afterward.

[Seagaiser]

I understand how you feel completely.. I am now a single mom of the greatest baby boy. His father and I offically split when he was 10mths. We have continued to live together for the baby and other financial reasons for almost a yr now and it has been a nightmare for me. I have tried to do my best to keep the baby on a sched. and not have him see us fight but he has.. He can sence the tention and his father comes and goes as he pleases... he goes from seeing him every night one week to just being around two nights the next. I have now had enough and am searching for a new place. I spent alot of time here because I didn't want to give up time with my son but by doing so I have made him part of this mixed up mess. I know I will have to let go and allow him to take him and keep him for sometime. Although it breaks my heart it needs to be done for my son. You have to stop thinking of yourself in it and put the baby first. It isn't easy and I myself am scared to death to let go and miss a moment of his life but the truth is still the truth wether we want it or not. As long as he is a good father and poses no harm to the baby. You need to let go and that will give you time to heal yourself as well. Best of Luck

From one broken mommy heart to another... it will get easier...

[Aquarius68]

You split up, so the love is gone. Try to remain friends. Good friends. My baby isn't here yet but the mom basically disappeared when she got pregnant and after a few phone calls from me "hey ... um, I thought we were seeing each other ... erm?" she got rather hostile and we had an unfortunate bitter break up. This is when she knew, I didn't. Had I known this is what she was going through: quitting smoking, quitting drinking, quitting caffeine, and plenty of raging hormones. Well she finally did tell me and it took a little while but we're really close friends now, we just moved into separate apartments in the same building and we're still going to movies, dinner, checking out baby stores and such. We're bonding in a totally different way now than we did when we were dating and we both feel really good about being parents together as a team, but still having our own lives. Also our personalities are pretty different and the way we decorate is way different we were talking last night and she said "he gets to experience two completely different homes under the same roof and interact with two totally different people. I think that might make him smarter." While our little experiment hasn't been fully tested with the live baby yet, we're both around 40 years old and are mature enough that I think this is going to not only work, but work remarkably well.

So give it some time for the emotions to cool then try to be friends is the best I can suggest. Meanwhile, he has a right to see his child. Don't deny him that because if you do then it will get really bitter and that benefits no one.