oh and another thing is, she ALWAYS is constantly saying that my daughter "is going to be soo spoiled" and i know by this, she means she is going to spoil her. she once told me she cant wait til my daughter gets older so she can take her out shopping and stuff. she also likes to compete for my daughters affection with her own sister (my other SIL). she gets sooo annoyed and upset when her own sister jokes with her by saying "IM her favorite aunt!" its a JOKE but she gets really offensive. i have a feeling she is going to try and BUY my daughters LOVE and AFFECTION because of her jealousy issue with other people getting in the way??? this is SO ridiculous!
even at the hospital when i gave birth to her, my SIL was the one hogging the baby and hardly anybody was able to hold her. its so annoying just thinking about it because she kept holding her and trying to be all nurturing to my daughter at the hospital.
i KNOW ALOT of people will think im some selfish b**** but put urself in my shoes. this is my first and only child, and i feel like alot of the special moments and experiences are being taken away from me from my own dauther, and TIME as well. i regret so much when i think back on the first few months. ive already made a vow to myself that with my next child, i will NOT allow visitation every single day the way i did with this one. i guess we all learn from our experiences right?
I can appreciate your dillema. I would likely want to explain how my daughter needs time to bond with me and the SIL is getting in the way of that, even if she doesn't intend to. But I'm more passive aggressive so I'd likely cut down on the invitations. It is your house and you can have anyone over you like. If you feel your daughter is being smothered by a crazy aunt, limit the aunt visits. Same things with gifts. You don't have to be spiteful (even though you might want to be), but you can jokingly remind her that you live in a shoe, not a McMansion, and the baby Hummer won't fit in the garage you don't have. At the end of the day, never forget, your daughter will always love you more regardless of what her aunt can buy.
It sounds like your SIL has boundary and/or enmeshment issues. To feel more comfortable and happy, set limits with her. For example, tell her to only call/visit Saturday afternoons between 2 p.m. and 3 p.m. It's hard, I know, when your husband is not on board with his family, however, he must handle more of this because he has had the longer relationship with his sisters. Also, you may want to try being more circumvent in what you reveal to your SIL--and be more brave in bluntly telling her NO--and call her on it when she chooses to ignore your choice. Bottom line, your name says mother on your daughter's birth certificate, not your SIL's!
Holy crap! You know, I am often very annoyed and depressed that my family doesn't put lie any time or effort into seeing or spending time with my baby.
But this!?! This is overhaul. I kinda have these problems with my mom. Not to the point where I'm ready to rant about it on the boards, but getting there. I also call her out every time though too. She's a very nice person but a little overbearing and sometimes too judgemental - so I have no problem telling her off when it's due.
You do need to put your foot down, NOW. Cuz like someone else said, when your daughter is older she may try to place your daughter between the two of you in the middle of the fight. And that would NOT rock. You daughter may even resent you. This is what I would say.
"-Insert name here-, I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate how much you care for my daughter and how you've been there for her since day one. It's really nice to get a break every once and awhile, but sometimes I feel like I would like to have my daughter to myself a little more often... Would you mind maybe coming over Saturday and Sunday to spend time with her? [Or whenever you feel she should be able to come over]. This is my first child, and I'm trying to soak up as many memories as I can, but all my memories so far are of other people spending time with my daughter, and I'd like to place myself in more of them."
She'll be offended. Everyone is offended all the time by everything. But you NEED TO TALK THIS OUT with her. If you don't it's only gonna escalate and one of these days you're gonna LOSE it.
Ruby Ilene born May 27th, 2009.
7lbs 11oz and 20in long.
Omg.. I know how you all feel.... when we found out i was getting induced we called to let everyone know ... it was not an invitation ... who shows up at 6 am but my sister in law, her kids and her kids friends... yes 14 year old boys that i did not even know in my hospital room while i was in labor ... wth?? my husband was not about to say anything, but as my contractions got worse I was.. thankfully our nurse thought it was ridiculous and told them i was 5 cm and they had to go... thank god .. after the baby was born they were at the hospital everyday, and our house. which was ok, we needed the help and company... things settled down after a few months ... i guess when the "excitment" wears down for them. so I never had to say anything about it.
What you just described was my mother-in-law. My MIL and I have had similar experiences with a crib (only mine was $150 and she told my family it was the $300 one I wanted from Babies 'R Us), professional portraits, giving pictures to her coworkers when I didn't want her to, coming over every single day (in fact, she'd come over for hours and I wasn't ALLOWED to hold my own son around her)... The list goes on and on. I've been through the exact same situations as you are depicting. The only difference is that my MIL, unlike your sister-in-law, is unstable. We had to cut out my husband's entire family, including my MIL. It started out that we stood our ground, which worked at first. Then there were just too many other circumstances, like them trying to control us and our every move (such as I was abusing my son for breastfeeding him and getting him vaccinated). Hopefully, you don't have that going on.
No, this is not you overreacting. You have every right to feel territorial of your baby. I suggest just talking to her nicely about all of this. It sounds like she needs a boyfriend or a kid... It seems like she's lonely.
Last edited by MommyToConnor; 10-27-2009 at 11:43 AM.
Set your boundaries now or it will be a HUGE fight to set them later! Believe me. I have a number of issues with my in-laws and most will have to be put aside by me, but there are some things that you have to take a stand on. The best way is to have your husband talk to his family, but when he doesn't stand behind you, you will have to do it. Even if your MIL acts the way mine did (she pretended I didn't exist for at least 4 months.)
One of those I would fight is surprize visits. I have been caught getting out of the shower multiple times by my MIL and my husband and I have been interrupted by the them just showing up at our house and walking in. My in-laws live out of state so the visits aren't as frequent as the ones you are getting, but they come without warning and expect to be able to stay at our house with no notice. (they come at least once a month, most months 3 or 4 times.) This one my husband has talked to his parents repeatedly about and I don't know what we are going to do because we have been saying things for years. We should have taken a stand the very first time.
Another is the outrageous gift giving. Every time they come they bring gifts for the kids. I might be okay with a little spoiling like a treat or a small toy or outfit here and there, but they bring bags of stuff EVERY TIME. My husband still doesn't understand why I get so bent out of shape by this, but it is obvious to everyone but his family. We live in an 2 bedroom apartment with soon to be 3 kids. We have clothes up the wazoo and most don't get worn, we have toys coming out our ears and have repeatedly made donations to the DI, and our almost 3 year old has begun telling us "Grandma & Grandpa will buy it for me" whenever we tell her she can't get something. It's a nightmare and oh the stories I could tell... I finally snapped when I told my FIL that we were getting our daughter a special tea set for her birthday so to not buy her one no matter how much she begged and I was told "We can't promise anything." I have now told them flat out that I will be returning excessive gifts to the store and putting the money in the kids bank accounts and it worked for a little while until they started taking tags off/opening them before they brought them. Next time they visit if they bring more toys (especially because in the next 3 months we have all their birthdays & Christmas) I am going to tell them once again we appreciate that they love their grandkids, but we simply don't have the room and I will be sending them all home with them. Same goes for those awfully annoying noisy toys.
I promise things will just continue to get worse if you can't make a stand. And I completely agree with those that said you don't want it to get to the age where your child can be placed between you (my in-laws say things like "We wanted to....but your mommy won't let you.) I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can make a better stand than we have been able to.
Def let your husband know that shes is overreacting, and it bothers you! let him do the work! its not ur place unless shes really acting up with u! its okay to stand up for yourself!.. i had the same problem with my mother in law, and she backed up off, but now hates me lol.
I agree with the other posters who said to say something now...she seems to be getting out of control. If you dont say something now it will only get worse. Be frank but gentle to her and explain that you need more time alone to bound with your daughter. I would be very uncomfortable with someone wanting to take my child into another room alone .....it would make me very uncomfortable.
I can kind of see both sides of the coin on this one. On the one hand, I don't have anyone stopping by to offer free babysitting or expensive gifts. I can't quite see how that would be a bad thing. But everything in moderation of course. Clothes and toys at Christmas and Birthdays are one thing, every day is something else entirely.
You definately have to set limits with people. If you don't they won't ever learn them, and you will constantly feel put upon and taken advantage of. Certainly tell her what is acceptable and what is not.
Hopefully there will be another grandchild in the family soon and your child will be a distant memory.