Childless and Depressed

[TaraM]

I think I need some advice. My husband and I can’t have children. He had a vasectomy a few years ago. I am beginning to get depressed now about this as I feel my biological clock is ticking or some strong urge to have a child with the man I love. We have talked about it before but my husband is sure that he does not want to go back and get a reversal surgery done. I hope I am not being selfish in wanting a child, all I know is I feel very depressed at times from this. My depression worsens when I am around my friends that have children or if I go to a store that is selling baby stuff. I will not leave my husband if we can’t have children but I will always feel “empty” inside. Is this normal? Should I seek counseling?

[myboysmom]

Is there a way they could take sperm from your husband and do IVF? Or is he completely against children alltogether? I've always known I wanted kids, since being a teenager, so I personally can't imagine not having any. You could try counseling, but I would say it is more a decision between you and your hubby to figure out if you want kids, is there a way to do it. Adoption perhaps? I'm sorry you're stuck in this position. I hope it gets worked out.

[TaraM]

Hi myboysmom, No he is not against having children, he just doesn't want to be "probed" again by the doctors. He doesn't seem to want to go out of his way to produce a child, for example, weekly or monthly trips to the doctors for sperm count, etc... etc... He says one surgery is enough for him and he doesn't want to go back. What all is involved with IVF? What is the procedure? I don't really know much about how it works or thought about IVF before. Would we pay out-of-pocket for that?

[Casalinga]

Is adoption out of the question? I have several friends who have adopted children from third world countries and have had the most wonderful rewarding experiences.It just makes me so emotional to think of how happy and healthy these children are and how different their lives would have been if they had not been adopted.

Look at Angelina Jolie - and all these other actresses who are doing! Apparently it is the fashionable thing to do too!!!

[TaraM]

I don't know, Casalinga... I guess I should seek counseling... this is not easy for me at all. I would like to learn more about IVF if I can and know what all of our options are out there. Who knows what the future holds...

[myboysmom]

Does your husband know how much this is bothering you? Maybe if you sat down and really talked to him about how badly you want this, you two could come to a conclusion. Why did he get a vasectomy? Does he already have children of his own and felt he was done? Just curious about your history.

[ra11en]

*Big hugs* I can hear the sadness in your words. I'm so sorry for the emptiness you're feeling, and I hope you find a resolution that fits both of your needs. Why did he get the vasectomy in the first place? Like myboysmom asked, does he already have children of his own, and you do not? I know that yearning, it can be sooooo unbearable!! Have you openly shared your feelings with him? My heart breaks for you just from a post, I'm sure he would want to feel that from you as well as your partner in life. Tough situation, I'm so sorry for you!

[TaraM]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I have spoken about this with him before but maybe I haven't given him enough details about my strong feelings. No... he has not ever had any children before... he made the decision to have the vasectomy done because at the time he did not feel that he ever wanted any children. We are in our very early 30's, I work from home, and I feel very ready to have a child. My husband is so good with other people's kids, I know he would make a wonderful father. He has a very good heart, loving nature and a lot of patience.

[ra11en]

You should really talk to him, and let him feel and hear what this really means to you. You did a great job of it here, I'm sure we all felt it in your words! Sit down with him and let him know how serious this is to you, and just how much you're yearning to have his and your child, to see him as a father of your baby. That would be the best first step.

[TaraM]

Well.... I spoke with him... poured my heart out... some tears were shed and it is a no go for him.... he doesn't want to try to have any children. I am feeling so lost right now and can't stop crying. I have to start work soon and get my game face on so I can work... will not be easy for me. Thank you all again for your kind words.