33, Single, Ready to Try

[alitat77]

Seavee,

I have a little bit of a different situation, but we have some common concerns. I'm 32 and just had a baby. I was with the baby's father for 13 years and the moment I became pregnant he coincidentally didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He is in the baby's life however and now I am faced with being newly single for the first time in a long time... and being an age where, if I want another baby (and I do), I will likely have to get a sperm donor. So I've researched the same things you have. And, like you... I don't want to wait until I'm in a risky age category or older, where my children will grow up and I will miss possibly knowing my grandkids.

So here's what I've learned...

#1 - Buy the book Single Mother's Complete Guide (I think is the name). It's the only book I've seen that has a whole chapter on being single and still being a great parent, including talking about using a sperm donor and still having a happy kid despite an anonymous daddy.

#2 - Most sperm banks now offer some form of voluntary list where donors can indicate they would be willing to meet the child some day. You can usually see baby photos and sometimes audio files online. And, you CAN home inseminate... which means you get your doctor to sign off that the sperm is coming to your home (not some clinical office) and you can insert the sperm yourself. This is more comfortable for a lot of reasons and has a strong success rate for women with no fertility issues. Maybe because you can be more relaxed is my guess.

#3 - There are some Yahoo groups that I was put in touch with recently where you can become a member and express some of your concerns, as well as meet sperm donors who donate live sperm for free... usually to lesbian parents-to-be, because they believe in the "cause" of helping loving lesbian couples become parents. But about 1/3 of the people on there seem to also be single straight moms like you and I, who through whatever circumstance just need a donor so they can have a baby... And the notion of it being free is that the men donating will not be doing this as a "hobby" for financial gain.

I don't know. This is a controversial issue for a lot of women. Maybe more for women then men, I think actually. But... I notice this tends to be controversial usually for MARRIED women, not those who are single like me (or you) in similar circumstances. Yes, I think every child needs two parents. But then again I also think every child needs a set of grandparents! There are specific roles these people fill in our lives to give us realistic role models to follow, support as we get older, etc. But we have just one life and it doesn't always follow a timeline that allows for all these things to enter and align at the perfect moments. So... my opinion? If you want to have a baby... just DO IT already! Stop waiting for perfection and just aim to be the best parent you can at every given moment.

Good luck and feel free to contact me if you want to chat.

*ali

[mrs_whitney@rocketmail.com]

I think if you can support the child, and have thought it out (which is clear you have), then it is a great idea. Sure a father would be great, but maybe you'll find the "dad" after the baby. Who says it has to be one way or another? Just keep possitive!

I'm sure there are boards and mothers groups that you can find somewhere near you that could help with support. Even if their situations are not exactly the same, I'm sure they can relate in one way or another.

I don't know that I could do a totally anonymous donor. I would worry too much about family health history and things like that. Whatever you do, GOOD LUCK!

[vcv61]

I made the same decision over thirteen years ago... I had no "Mr. Right" in the picture and didn't feel I wanted to take chances with Mr. Wrong. So after all the research and thinking I proceeded with a donor insemination. I now have an almost 12 year old daughter who is the joy of my life. I would not change a thing. I have to admit it is certainly a lot of work, and my married friends are unsure how I cope by myself... my response is always the same. I have been by myself the whole time, I don't know any different. I do think that sometimes it has to be easier when only one person is making discipline decisions and choices for the family instead of having two different people involved. The flip side is after working all day, I am sometimes short on energy and my daughter knows that Mom may be easier to manipulate. Oh well, I choose which battles are important enough and let her "win" the others!
As for the naysayers who believe that a single parent is somehow shortchanging a child, I say there are plenty of 2 parent households that are dysfunctional at best and abusive at worst. Surround yourself with loving and supportive family and friends and this child will grow and flourish just as well as any child in a traditional setting!
I hope this is encouragement to you and I wish you well in your journey!

[lhunt8]

Seavee,

Some children have both parents, but one, or both, do not love them or raise them properly. I grew up with two great parents, luckily, but most of my friends/relatives maybe had one decent parent. I think society today believes that if you are a single mother, you have failed. You are going against the norm, but who cares? You must be a loving person if you want to have a child by yourself, you are really wanting to share your life and love with someone... why does it have to be a man? I am a young mother myself, and although my daughter has her father in her life (as he is in mine as well), I have a lot of young, single-mother friends who the fathers are not in the child's life, and they are fun, wonderful children. Being a parent is tough, and it is very hard to find a balance between all the elements that go into being a parent, but don't let that stop you from having a child. Obviously you know you will love them to no end, and just because you are going against the norm, doesn't mean you will automatically be an awful parent. I read what someone said in one of the first posts, about statistics...

let me tell you a little bit about me. As I said before, I had two awesome, loving parents... both were there for me 24/7, nothing bad happened to me out of the normal teenage things. I was into drugs, and I made some other bad decisions... but that doesn't have to always base off of the parents. You will do a great job!

Sincerely,
Lauren

[dgrant]

Hi - I was in the same boat - just a bit older. Finding Mr Right had eluded me for 34 years and I just couldn't wait anymore. After a year of research and considerations I went forward and found out I was pregnant near my 35th birthday! I was lucky enough to get pregnant on the first try. I used a unknown donor and did back to back IUI's. I am now celebrating my 36 birthday and am the proud parent of a 4 month old daughter. The experience has been unbelieveably awesome. I always felt as though i was born to be a mom - something was always lacking in my life - now it is filled.
I would recommend being a single mom by choice to anyone who is emotionally and financially able.
Good luck to all of you who are considering it.

[mom2dcb]

I DID do exactly what you're contemplating. I was 36 and had no "Mr. Right" in my life but had always wanted a family. I started fertility treatments and had twins at 37. I don't regret a single moment. This was the best decision I have ever made in my life. My mother was the biggest part of my support system. I have a brother, uncles and male cousins who have been excellent male role models for my family.

If you are aware of the costs and the emotional roller coaster tide you undoubtably have, then go for it! If you want to talk more, let me know. I'll gladly share my story.

[richhardan]

My wife just recently went through one of the hardest pregnancies ever. I guess i can't say to much i have never had to go through that kind of pain and so i really do feel for you ladies. My wife is the kind of person that likes to do everything herself, kinda weird cause i would do anything for her. anyways she even went as far as paying all the doctor bills. I figured i would share this because i feel that it would be something that could definitely benefit single mom's out there. She went and met with a financial expert specific for women, and together they drew up a plan to get through the pregnancy financially. They made it seem easy, I was very impressed. Anyways like i said i figured i would put this out there because i am sure that it could help out any single pregnant mom's that maybe need a little help financially!

[charltac]

Seavee, I am 35 and just had twin boys through a donor. It was the best decision I ever made. I wouldn't worry too much about what other people say, they are not in your shoes. I personally just never found anyone and did not see finding anyone in the near future fast enough to get involved, get engaged, get married then try to concieve to happen in a reasonable amount of time, so it's not that I didn't want my children to have a father, I didn't want to risk not having children because I couldn't find someone to father them.

There are several forums out there that you really just need to do a search on, you'll likely find that most "trying to concieve forums" have a singles group.

If you have not picked your donor yet, I would really consider and open identity, meaning your child/children have the option to meet them at least once when they are 18. My journey was long enough that I went through two different donors. I chose closed with my first, but as the journey went on, when it came to picking my second donor, open identity was a high priority.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

[tgibson33]

YOU GO GIRL!!! I am a single mother of a special needs child. Her father and I divorced when she was 2. He is not around very much, and we are doing great! You can do whatever you put your mind to. I praise you for taking the leap to motherhood. While it's not always pleasant, I would not never give it up in a million years. I myself hope to get pregnant again in a few years and will probably use donor sperm. You know what is best for you!
God bless!

[northwoods60]

you feel no pressure..to get a man and do it the fun way...sex!
I had a cup of coffee with each of my girls...we had fun making our babies...get the little buggers a boost while swimming to meet the egg. this is not a class room, where you can close the door if the kids are screaming.
My god..your way is yech!! very cold! clinical..get a man!