Major Marriage Problems

[marlalovesmaury]

Hey all. I know that I don't have children yet but this post pertains to my future children, or lack thereof. My husband and I have recently been having huge massive blowout fights about children. I'm ready right now. I'm 22, he's 27, we're financially stable enough to have children now (even if we had twins, which run in my family), we have a 4 bedroom 3 bath house that's filled with just the two of us and our dogs. I feel so empty. I want a family so badly. He says that he won't let us until I lose more weight and get a bit healthier. What does he know? He's not a doctor! My OB says that I'm fine to have children now. If she says so why doesn't he believe her? We're at the point where we have such violent fights that it seems we might divorce over it. It seems stupid to divorce because my husband won't let us have children now. I feel like there are other reasons besides my weight that's keeping him from wanting children now. He has a genetic disease that could possibly be carried to our child(ren). He also has no siblings or neices/nephews and has never even held an infant. He knows nothing about children and shows no interest when we see children around town or at events. It pains me to see that he's not paternal at all. I love him so much but he's making me so sad. We just has an enormous fight and I'm sleeping on the couch instead of in our bed. I want children now. He doesn't. What do I do? I'm not willing to wait an indefinite period of time for him to be ready. What do I do??? I'm truly considering divorce so I could inseminate artificially and be a single mother. Is that crazy? How long do I wait for him to "come around"?

[*Babylon*]

For some time me and my husband had the same arguments. I felt that the time was right and by postponing having children I'd find myself in a situation when I'm about 40, and unable to get pregnant(this was a couple of years ago, when I was about 24-25). My husband felt it wasn't the right time, that we needed to get the house first. So we got the house. And then, a couple of weeks later, I got pregnant My husband feels awkward around children, especially babies, he's always afraid he might hurt them, but at work one of the ladies began taking his 4 yrs old son to the office, and the kid for some reason really enjoyed talking to my husband, so eventually he began feeling more comfortable around children in general. Of course he still needs to deal with the fear of hurting a baby, but once our daughter will be with us, I'm sure he'll be fine.
I think in your case there are two different problems, if health is one of them, then the wisest thing is indeed to get checked in case he's carrier of some serious decease. Also, loosing weight in a healthy way before pregnancy is definitely the right way to go, because later you'll find yourself in a situation when you do need to gain some, but you want it to be as efficient as possible for you and your child, and if as a result of weight loss both you and your husband begin to eat better, it's a win-win situation. If your husband is not the daddy kind of guy, think that if he's never been exposed to be around children, the whole concept can be a little strange for him, but it doesn't mean he may never want children… means that NOW he's not ready. Also keep in mind you're both pretty young, and if you're willing to divorce over this, then there are some serious issues you HAVE to work out before even thinking about having children, because the stress of pregnancy with all the hormones and changes you go through, can be too much to deal with for a couple that's not strong enough, later a baby crying non stop will not make things better.

[jolee.marie]

hey marla, i can tell you that you shouldnt choose divorce. my fiance and i had a ton of arguements when we found out i was pregnant. neither of us were really ready to be parents but i was going to get ready and he was still being a baby about it. he said it was my fault and that we werent stable enough for a baby right now, (mind you that we own our house, he makes well over what we need to survive, we are never late on bills) other than the fact that yes we are young it was a great time for a baby. well when he started going to the doc with me and feeling sophie move thats when the daddy part of him kicked in. and now that she is here he is a great daddy.

my advice, is try to start eating healthier but suggest he do the same, tell him it is to keep you going so you dont feel alone in the healthy eating and he gets to eat junk. take him to the doc with you so he can hear for himself that you can have a baby as you are. work out a financial table with you income(s) then subtract monthly bills have the remainding total and then figure up the cost of the baby and show him that you can financially do it. (this one worked for me) but whatever you do, and no matter how many times it comes up into your head, dont settle for divorce (unless he is physically hurting you, or cheating).

[H.Starr]

I really don't have any advice here aside from the same old "communication, communication, communication" thing.
However, I would like to attempt to lighten the mood a little and dissuede you from rushing to divorce by reminding you of my dear friend Brad Pitt. He divorced Jennifer Aniston because he wanted kids and she wasn't ready. And look what he got for it. Nutjob Angelina and her 86 kids.
Definitely try to work things out first!

[RLTMommy]

If one of the two of you doesn't want children, then the answer is no. It would be crazy to intentionally be a single mother. Single motherhood is TOUGH. I am the child of one. Money was super tight and my mom had little time to spend with me because she was stuggling to keep me fed, clothed, sheltered, etc. She is a great mom, but she has always said she wished she was in a stable relationship and bit older when she had me. Did you and your husband discuss children before marriage? It sounds like you married him even though you weren't on the same page about the kids.

[KayLady]

This is exactly why I said the marriage should always come first in the Cabo thread. If you put the children first and just go ahead and have them when he doesn't want to, most likely you'll end up putting all your efforts into them (because he won't want to help out anyway, feeling trapped and all) he'll pull away further, and you're just going to have children from a broken home. Better to get counseling and wait until you are both ready, or break up first and have children with someone who is ready to make that commitment now. I know this sounds very opinionated, but both people need to be on the same page when it comes to children, having them or how to raise them. Especially when you have the opportunity to plan for this and aren't caught off guard with a lovely surprise as some people are. Just ask all the mothers on here who complain that their husbands don't help out with the kids. It will only be worse if he's already said he doesn't want them now.

[KayLady]

I would like to add that I'm with jolee.marie; don't just settle for divorce when you have plenty of fertile years left to work things out.

[MNmomOf2]

Hello

I do not post very much but I would like to add my 2cents in. First thing I noticed is that your husband is an only child and has the center of attention his whole life, he did not have to share affection from his parents with anyone else, who is not to say he will not have issues with you showering a new precious baby with attention, who will take almost every waking minute if your time. Esp. if he is not active in helping you with anything around the house and the baby. Making your time ever more stretched out.

You are young, you have plenty of time, it is a PIA fighting your clock that is ticking so loud it drives you crazy!

I would also go in for meeting with a Dr. about the possibilty of your husbands (family sides) genetic disease. Get him tested and find out what the possibility of it being passed on to your future children would be.

Weight loss will actually make becoming preggers easier and make your pregnancy easy plus you will benefit both you and your baby

If you step back and take a look at your situation and see that your dh is obvioulsy not ready to become a daddy, then maybe the baby talk should just lay low for while. You do not want to froce something on someone, who can end up resenting you for it.

There would be notihng worse that you getting pregnant, your dh resenting you for it, blaming you for getting pregnant and then end up getting divorced.

If youhave friends who have babies or infants offer to babysit for them when they go out, so your dh can see what it is like to hold a baby and be around a baby.

And last but no least, talk to your spiritual advisor, go for some couples therapy to help has this out, that way the 3rd patry can help you both see each others point of view and hopefully come to a happy medium.

[APEMBERTON]

I am sorry he is not into the kid thing yet! Can I ask when does he want kids?? Is he unwilling to give you a date or year ball-park??? Also like another poster asked did you discuss kids before getting married????
We have been TTC for 17 months now, & while we both want kids VERY badly, TTC has put a MAJOR strain on our relationship! I can't imagine how hard it must be for him to not want kids, but you, like me, are still VERY young! Believe me, I know how bad it sucks when you want to have kids & it doesn't happen... I am fighting mother nature on this issue...you are fighting your hubby!! However like someone else said you definetly don't want to guilt him into it because it will only make things a million times worse once you are pregnant & after the baby is born & hormonnes are running high & sleep is running low!

If that is the only thing wrong in your marriage I would hold off on divorce. I would also sit him down (on a good day) & tell him this is the last time you will discuss this for a while, but the you do deserve an idea on when he might be ready...tell him you love him so much & know he will make such an awesome dad & that if he would give you a time frame it would help you out alot & stop the arguing. Then you need to make a real effort leave the issue alone for a while! If you stop the discussions the fighting will stop!
Good luck & I hope he gets on board soon!!

[marlalovesmaury]

Thank you all for your insightful responses. To answer some of your questions:
1. My husband and I discussed at length before we got married that we both definitely wanted children, either 1 or 2, no more than that...we never discussed when we would start trying because we weren't ready before we got married and we didn't think we'd need to discuss that then.
2. I don't think he would feel like he weren't the center of attention anymore, I think that he would get used to it like any other man. By marrying me he had to get used to not being the center of attention, LOL. I'm very demanding.
3. He would be a fantastic father...I know this for sure! He's very caring, sweet, and selfless.
4. Him passing the genetic disorder (it's a form of Schizophrenia, to all who want to know, he has a mild form of it) is 50/50 i believe. So any child that I bear will have a 50/50 chance of having the disease.
5. I don't know why my biological clock is ticking 2x fast for me right now but it is...I can't stop thinking about being pregnant, being a mother, having a complete family...I'm so maternal. I cry when I see all of the mothers with carriages in the mall (or anywhere for that matter)
6. Health. Okay this is a weird situation but I'll let tell you all since I feel very comfortable with you. When I was 17 years old, I ballooned to 425 lbs. so I had gastric bypass and lost about 185 lbs., getting down to 240 pounds. I recently gained like 30 lbs due to back problems but I've begun to lose it already. I promised my husband and my doctor that I'd get down to my low of 240 again and my doctor said it would be okay for me to get pregnant at 240 or 250, that I could carry a healthy pregnancy at that weight. My husband just won't believe me!!!! He's been to my doctor with me and heard it from the horse's mouth!
7. Knowing all of this, is he just afraid? I don't want to divorce my husband I love him so much. I just want him to let me get pregnant so he can realize that he will be a good father. There would be no other way to get him to understand other than having one of my own, right?