No sex for almost a year after birth?

[Button Square Pants]

To the original poster, I know exactly how you are feeling...

I too was once the recipient of a spouse who didn't have the desire to have sex after our baby was born, in fact, it didn't happen until our marriage ended in a divorce almost 2 years after the baby was born.

I don't understand what was going through her mind at that time, she wouldn't talk to me about anything and she kept everything to herself. She refused to do any counseling and she even told me that she just didn't have the desire to ever have sex again and that she would be perfectly fine with it. I thought of it as an extremely selfish thing for her to do, even if she didn't feel the desire for whatever the reason was, she didn't even have the desire to fix it through outside methods (counseling, doctor, etc...) or even think of how it might affect me. She had no thought of what I wanted or needed, she just saw it as something she was fine with and expected me to just live with it. If she wanted to be that way, then that is fine, but I refused to live with someone who wouldn't want to help things improve.

It got to the point where things didn't seem right anymore, the last resort was to leave her and move on with my life. I couldn't stand being married to someone who was so distant and didn't even care to fix any problems that we had. I was tired of living alone in a house with someone who just mentally and physically seperated herself from me, so I filed for divorce and ended up moving on.

Today I'm married again (6 years later) to a woman who has 5 other children, someone who absolutely loves me to death and has fully accepted me and my daughter into her life. The marriage I have with her is 100% different from my first 10 year marriage. My wife makes every effort to keep things alive, we both put in the same amount of work in equal parts to make sure we don't fall victim to our past. I still don't know what happened to the last marriage, there were never any real answers to the problems that became of it. I realized that sometimes women do things that just don't seem right, their brain and chemistry is much different than the men. Sometimes we get paired up with the wrong person and when new things come into the middle of it, it just ends up being different somehow after.

I love my current wife now, we are so happy and look forward to many many more years together.

[HappyTim]

I have to admit, I found reading this thread a little depressing. I feel fortunate that my pregnant wife views sexual intimacy as highly important to the strength of our marriage. I think some women don't realize that most men need sex in order to feel loved and valued. I know a lot of men don't help out as much as they could and this can create a cycle of resentment on both ends. However, a stable home is an important part of providing for a child, and for most of us guys a healthy sex life is an important part of a strong marriage.

I feel like in a strong relationship both partners should be willing to say "I love my partner and their needs are important to me. I may not always feel like taking care of them, but because I love my partner, I want to do what I can to make them happy."

With regards to sex I'm not saying women need to give their husbands access 24/7, but I hope most of us can agree that four or six months with no shared sexual activity is a recipe for marriage disaster and not good for anyone, including the children.

[NateInPhenix]

We have the same problem....times 2. After our first son, my wife and I did not have sex for 6 months (yes, months, not weeks) after his birth. She had a C-section with him and had some internal scarring that resulted in pain for quite a while after we finally resumed sex. Even so, we were only able to make sex happen about once a month. Call me a jerk if you like, but that just isn't enough for me. Though it was enough to get pregnant as second time (intentionally).

We had our second son this year (2011), another C=Section, and still have not had sex 8 months later. My wife doesn't feel like having sex in general and is very, very dry so the one time that we tried to have sex, penetration was so painful (for both of us) that we just couldn't continue, even with half a bottle of KY (which helped me but not her). She doesn't like doing any "other" activities to be intimate with me and I don't think it would be very loving to ask her to do something she doesn't like for my own enjoyment (nor do I think she would accommodate) since she has been adamant that she doesn't want to do any of those things. She also thinks masturbation is wrong so I'm in a really difficult place because I either have to have no sexual gratification or masturbate in secrecy so that she doesn't get angry with me. The former makes me grouchier than a grizzly with hemorrhoids and the latter makes me feel...well, unloved and guilty for having a sex drive. There have been two other instances in the past 8 months since our second son was born that we tried to have sex and during one, the baby woke up and screamed at the top of his lungs which in turn, activated the lactation sequence which "doused the fire" ....and was a mood killer for both of us so it never happened, and the second time, after I had packed the kids off to a friend's house (our family lives across the country so it is really difficult to get away from the kids), taken my wife to a beautiful resort, and spent the weekend just enjoying each others' company, on the last night there things finally were looking optimistic but before foreplay could commence, we became tense with each other about a discussion regarding our families that went south, leaving neither of us feeling very "friendly" toward one another at the moment. We were respectful in the course of the disagreement with one another, we always disagree respectfully, but the desire at the moment still disappeared as it was an emotional issue and though we knew it would work itself out, it wasn't an instantaneous fix....and then we had to come back to our real, hectic, sexless life.


I work from a home office so I contribute the daily upkeep of the home considerably. I do all of the laundry, I cook dinner, I do the dishes and clean about half of the time. I bathe the boys, put them to bed at night and participate in discipline. I take care of the yard and the cars. We need my wife's income but we can't afford daycare as it would consume her entire paycheck each week (making it stupid for her to work....but we need the money) so she works evenings four nights a week and I work days. That way she cares for them during the day and I do during those four evenings. Being so far from family, we don't really have anyone to leave the kids with. So we only have three days together as it is. On those three days we are so exhausted and something always seems to come up. And I am equally to blame there....the few times that she has tried to initiate sex in the past month or so, I've been too tired from caring for the kids and the house while she was at work that I fell into a veritable coma before she got home, or before the launch sequence could be initiated (I'm trying to maintain a sense of humor)!

I realize that it is unrealistic for my wife to be a tigress, waiting to pounce every night of the week. And I understand and have always respected her boundaries regarding what sexual activities she is willing to participate in and enjoy. I also acknowledge that her body, emotions, hormones, etc have been turned on end with each pregnancy and I don't deny the loving self sacrifice it was for her to go through that so that we can have a family. But I also think that sex is an essential part of a successful marriage and that eight months is more than patient. But what can I do? We've talked about it. We know we want and need to have sex. Life gets in the way....hormones get in the way....unaligned desire gets in the way. Is this just normal and no one ever told me? Was I spoiled by unrealistic expectations and this is the true normal? Months...maybe years of waiting after childbirth and even then, once a month if lucky? It is extremely depressing and I don't know what else to do.

[aporthetalk]

Ya Josh, I have to agree with latina45 and Amelia09 you should be having sex by now. even if she would just have mercy on you. I have three children, and I don't think I went more than a month, my wife and I really enjoy each other and neither one of us are that fhysically fit or anything but we are attracted to each other. That is a long time and sex is an important part of a marriage. If sex were not that important we wouldn't have all of the commercials for Lavitra and cialis and all of the other sex medications LOL. You mentioned that your sexual interactions were limited, was that before she was pregnant as well? You may need to see a counselor, it can't hurt, I realize a marriage isn't totally based on sex but I think it's vital. I'm sure your wife is beautiful in your eyes and when you would like to have sex with her and she is not responsive to your advances, that can be very discouraging, and can lead to other frustrations in the marriage. Seek the counseling and as much guidance as you both can. Good Luck!

[ugggggg]

i know this is an old post, but the subject is not.


I have been having the same issue since our son was born 16 months ago. we have only had sex a handful of times and i am starting to think if i should look elsewhere. taking care of myself isnt cutting it anymore

I have tried everything and she just doesnt care. the most recent time she did it out of pity but it got her in the mood and she enjoyed it. massages, compliments, dates, etc.......the only things that had any success was to practically beg. once she gets started she is in the mood, so why not try more?

Why must men jump through hoops to have sex?

[huttsez]

I'm a father, blogger, and author. Men like sex. So do women, just not as much after the children arrive. So how do men get the sex they want? Well, they can start by cooking dinner and doing the dishes afterwards. It's just that simple. Let the tired mothers put their feet up, and have someone take care of THEM for a bit. Be a good husband, and show your appreciation for all her hard work. No tired wives or girlfriends want to have sex with a lazy, demanding man. Loads of less tired wives or girlfriends will want to have sex with Thoughtful Sweet Mega Dad. Right? Oh, and let her have a nice long sleep in on the weekend by getting up with the kid/kids. "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" ringing any bells? Check out my blog at: http://www.huttsez.com/

[huttsez]

I'm a father, blogger, and author. Men like sex. So do women, just not as much after the children arrive. So how do men get the sex they want? Well, they can start by cooking dinner and doing the dishes afterwards. It's just that simple. Let the tired mothers put their feet up, and have someone take care of THEM for a bit. Be a good husband, and show your appreciation for all her hard work. No tired wives or girlfriends want to have sex with a lazy, demanding man. Loads of less tired wives or girlfriends will want to have sex with Thoughtful Sweet Mega Dad. Right? Oh, and let her have a nice long sleep in on the weekend by getting up with the kid/kids. "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" ringing any bells? Check out my blog at: http://www.huttsez.com/

[halfpint1092]

deffinately very true. i had my son 4 1/2 months ago, and it fustrates my husband beyond belife