So this is the fist time I have posted anything on this forum, and it's not a post about our beautiful daughter, as you can guess from the thread title. My wife gave birth to our daughter about 10 months ago. We have not had intercourse since before the birth, and our other sexual interactions have been extremely limited. She seems to have no interest in any type of sex. Thinking back on our visits to her OBGYN before and just after the birth, I think I remember him saying that we couldn't have sex for 8 weeks or so -- or at least as long as it took for the stitches and so forth to heal. I was certainly expecting that, but I didn't expect to find myself almost a year later in this situation.
I feel embarassed about asking my friends about this, so, oddly, I thought I'd ask on here. Has anyone else had this experience? Is it normal for her interest in sex to be disappear for so long? I'm really struggling and thinking about suggesting that we talk to a counselor.
Hi Josh. I am a mom, so I can't tell you I've been in your position, but I can help to explain it from your wife's end.
I can't tell you anything 100% since I don't know either of you, but I can generalize.
Most women are not very interested in sex after having a baby. For just about everyone, frequency drops dramatically.
We're tired. We're sore. We have more "important" things to think about. I know it all sounds like weak excuses, but I assure you, they're very real.
My husband and I used to have sex more than rabbits before our son was born. Now, its when we "get around to it." He of course is willing 99% of the time, wheras I am willing about 15% of the time.
Reason? I just flat out don't feel like it.
There's a good chance your wife doesn't feel attractive anymore. She might still be carrying some baby weight, she might be a little squishier in some places than she once was, certain parts of hers might be sitting lower than they used to, she might have stretch marks. (again, I can't SAY, I don't know her) If any or all of those is true (in HER eyes, not necessarily YOURS) she might just feel sexy anymore. She just feels like a mom. And while some men think the "MILF" thing is hot, most women who are mothers take a while to start to feel sexy again.
My son is 9 months old. I feel like a fat old cow. I'll be blunt with you. My boobs...not as perky as they used to be. My butt, hanging a little lower these days. My stomach, much softer than ever before. Abs? What are those?
My husband SWEARS he doesn't notice and that I'm still attractive, but I don't FEEL it. Why would I want to get naked when I feel like all he'll think is "Whoa! Look at that gut!"
Quite possibly your wife feels the same.
Also, is she breastfeeding? I never did, but some women I know who did, said they felt like during that, their body was for their baby ONLY. I can't explain that one since it never happened to me, but its a thought.
Anyway, my point is, chances are, YOU aren't the problem. Its not that she doesn't love you, isn't attracted to you, doesn't enjoy your sex. Most likely, SHE'S the problem. She doesn't feel attractive, she has no energy, she's constantly thinking/worried about the baby and doesn't want to think about sex.
Try talking to her. When the baby is taking a nap and there are no distractions. Sit down with her and explain to her gently that you think she's beautiful and you love her very much and that you don't want to sound like an a**, but you really miss sex. Tell her how good she is at it and how much you love it WITH HER, and tell her that by her not having sex, it makes you feel like she isn't attracted to you anymore or doesn't care about you like she once did.
Chances are she'll be able to explain to you exactly what her reasons are for not, and hopefully you guys can work through it.
If you're anything like my husband, you try to convince her often. You have to be careful how you do that though, or you'll just sound like an inconsiderate self centered jerk. You need to make sure you explain that you understand her situation. You know the baby is exhausting, you know she has a lot to worry about. But let her know that she is hurting your feelings and making you worried about where your marriage is heading. She might not have ever thought of it from your angle before. And you can never tell her too much that you think she's beautiful and still sexy, and you still love to see her naked.
Anyway, I hope this helps....
Proud to be an Army Wife
& Mommy to Roman and Keira
A forum for mothers, as well as those expecting and trying!
i have to agree with H.STARR
even though i am starting to feel sexy again, there is just those days when you go out in see, your old body on someone else. lol
try to make her feel sexy again, tell her she is sexy, talk nasty sometimes when you see her body when she get out the shower. you might get denied sometimes, but when you make her feel, just like she felt before the baby. the i Guarantee she will be willing.
I am at a year and counting, no feeling = no sex, no exceptions. I see nothing wrong with it to be honest. All is about feeling, I'm sure the girls above pointed you in the right direction
Father of Idea, the good idea
I think marital counseling could help just because some people don't realize how important sex is to a marriage. On the breastfeeding thing, it can also suppress those hormones that get women "in the mood". It is normal, different women do take a different amount of time to feel sexy again. Encourage her to exercise, that helps the libido, regardless of her body image. Also, what always works for me is a good old fashioned date and lots of affection.
Mother of two best friends - who could ask for anything more?
I definitely agree with everything the other women have said, but I want to add an addition to what they have said. Our baby is 7 mo. old and we still haven't since before birth. There are many circumstances that can keep you from this. A lot to do with not feeling sexy, being tired, and then there is just the day to day mundane chores etc.. If your wife is a stay at home mom like I am, I can honestly say that a change of scenery is nice. Not to mention that I think Romance went out the window awhile ago. I don't think Men realize that not only do women need to feel sexy, but even if we don't we still want to be wooed. Try a Romantic evening with your wife, get a babysitter or family member to watch the baby and go out for a nice dinner and maybe even go to a nice hotel for an evening. I just had this conversation with my husband the other night, about how our relationship was lacking Romance. You'd be surprised how a little of that can go a long ways with women.. Just a suggestion.
I definitely disagree with all of you. If it is not a medical reason to have sex with your man, it is wrong. I was a first time mom at 44 and after having her by a C-section I didn't wait too long just 4 weeks to be with my husband and if we don't do it in seven day max I will have a say. My husband is so romantic, he is always telling me how good I look (even though I am not at that moment) he is always given me compliments. You just need to remind her the times you two had before the baby. I don't believe that you can be soooooo tired to be with your husband. I can understand a few days but 10 months! Please ladies then don't ask why your husbands look somewhere else what they don't have at home if not ask John and Kate plus 8.
Just my opinion.
aside from not feeling sexy, most women just don't feel like having sex after the birth of a child. i hear that's actually quite the norm. from what i've gathered, you have to just do it, even when you don't want to. it's part of the bond you have with each other. and the less often you initiate sex, the more she'll feel less attractive. so just go for it!
WOW! a year? I feel for you Josh... It has GOT to be hard for both of you. I can definately see both sides, but may tend to side with you in this area.... it's one thing from the woman to feel fat and unsexy and do it less frequently, but not even to TRY it??? After my son was born I had a 4th degree tear - the WORST one you could possibly have. I am small and my baby, although average size, did quite a number on me! So, I went to get my check up at the 6th week mark and got the go ahead from the doc... It took me a couple days to muster up the strength, but I tried and my husband was patient - after a few weeks of the uncomfortable start, it got better. Those times he was more in the mood than I was, I went with it, and then I got in the mood...
I agree that you that you should be compassionate and sensitive of the way she feels... but I really think she needs to at least TRY it even if she doesn't feel like it... it is an important part of the relationship.
There are OTHER things you can do, I am not sure why she isn't willing to do that. Having a baby is exhausting - but you make time....
ok havent reaD what everyone else said so this might be repeat sorry if so but i know i was scared of not pleasing my husband and then just having baby i mean i have three and even with one thats the last thing on my mind somedays well here are some suggestions to help her get her groove abck yall have a day with no kids/baby and make her feel beautiful and like she is number one again or just gett a movie and put the baby to bed and cuddle and last but not least have u asled her y she is not ready i mean yes we might not always get out our feelings in a way u can understand but we really like it when u talk to us bout ur feelings on how u feel and i dont mean say something like why the hell wont u sleep with me lol try something like can we talk bout starting slow well i hope u get something i know my husband complains after three days so im sorry that u have had ot wait this long