Who Has It Better: Single or Married?

[j-love]

I think that as long as a child has the love and support they need, along with positive role models, it doesn't matter if a parent is single or married. I am married, but I know that if i was single with a child, my baby would have lots of family to help out.

[eniese]

The better question is "How can both single and married mothers learn from and support each other?"

Many of your polls and blogs on this site are designed to pit one group of mothers against another. SAHM vs. working, breast vs. bottle-feeding, young vs. old, etc. While this might make a nice poll or talking point, it does nothing to better the lives of any of the mothers frequenting your site. Instead of trying to further divide us into factions, lets have some discussions of how we can come together as mothers and support each other even when we have differing parenting styles, lifestyles, needs, wants, etc.

I'm a married mom, the daughter of a single mom, and I think either can be the "best" option depending on a wide and nuanced variety of issues. To say one is "better" than the other is a gross oversimplification and does justice to no one.

[lou]

eniese- I completely agree with you, but I don't think it was about which is better, but who's better off.
that said, I think the poll should reflect the children more so than which type of mother has it better. there are many statistics out there about children who are raised without their fathers in the picture and I'm certain the door swings both ways with mothers as well.

1. Father’s who reside with their children, on average, are more likely to have close, loving, respectful and enduring relationship with their children as opposed to those who do not.
2. Approximately 40% of the children who do not live with their fathers have not seen their father at all during the past year.
3. Children who do not live with their fathers are, on average, at least 2 - 3 times more likely to be poor and use drugs.
4. Children who do not live with their fathers are, on average, at least 2 - 3 times more likely to experience educational problems in addition to health and emotional problems.
5. Children who do not live with their fathers are, on average, at least 2 - 3 times more likely to be victims of child abuse and to engage in criminal behavior.
6. Children who do have their involved and loving fathers in their lives are more likely to achieve success in school, have positive self - esteem and exhibit normal and healthy social behavior.
7. Children who have uninvolved fathers are more likely to engage in high - risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy and criminal activity.

that said I think there are advantages and disadvantages to both. however I think it's ultimately better for the child to have both parents in there lives whether they're married or just living together in a commited relationship. furhter, to those women out there that think it would be easier to be single at times as you don't have to compromise your parenting style etc.. don't you think that's something that should have been worked out pre-marriage? I mean if your parenting styles or goals/dreams are that different why are you married. a marraige is a partnership. I support my husbands dreams and vise versa. neither of us holds the other back. our parenting styles are virtually identical. of course there are still things that we need to compromise on ( like don't give the baby chocolate at four months!) but that goes for any relationship.
kudos to single mother's. I don't know what I'd do without my husband by my side to help me out. We have an equal partnership. he helps with house work (laundry, dishes, cooking), finances ( a full time job and a musician on hte side), childcare (he always makes sure I get a break when needed, keeps the baby so I can go out, and everyday stuff ,feeding, changing etc.
I don't envy single moms one bit. I have it made. I still can follow my dreams. I think if I was single I wouldn't have that kind of freedom as every waking moment would be devoted to raising my child.
For the record technically my husband and I aren't legally married, but we consider ourselves married already in our hearts, and we're making it legal this june (three weeks away!). we're just having a courthouse wedding. in our eyes the rest of the stuff (dress, tux, cake, etc) is kind of pretentious. it doesn't make the marriage and really is a party for everyone else. we'd rather save the money that would be spent on feeding hundreds of people and go on vacation.

[H.Starr]

My husband is in the Army, so him being around is not always guaranteed. In the first four months of our son's life, my husband was gone for two and a half of them. (from 6 weeks until 4 months) For those two and a half months I was basically a single parent. It was just me and my son, on our own together. We survived just fine. There were times it was hard and I would have given anything to get a break (or full-on vacation!), but for the most part, we had no problems. In all honesty I think it helped me learn more about being a mother (this is my first child) and bond closer with him since we were alone together 24/7.
Our son is now 9 months old, and my husband has been with us ever since the 4 month mark. And between the two, I would definitely rather have my husband here. Aside from the obvious reasons of not wanting him gone, aside from the getting a break once in a while, I know my son loves having his daddy home. Daddy plays funner than Mommy. Daddy makes Roman laugh more than Mommy. Granted, when its time for sleep or sadness, Mommy is where we go, but Daddy has a very important role too.
My husband and I have learned from eachother a lot in the last nine months. At the beginning he did a lot of watching - how to change diapers, how to give baths, how to change clothes, how to juggle three things and a baby without hurting him or dropping anything, etc. I still catch him mimicking things I do. He doesn't have maternal instincts, but he does have paternal ones, and they are different, but still just as valuable. I watch those, and catch myself mimicking them as well. He knows the best ways to make our son laugh, he knows the best games, he makes up the best silly songs. When my husband is at work during the day and I'm home with our son, I have to use some of his good ideas, as much as he has to use my knowledge when I'm not here.
So. While I know that I COULD be a single parent if I had to - I'd manage, my son would be well taken care of, lacking nothing - I wouldn't want to. The time is going to come when Roman wants to go make mud pies, and build forts, and play sports, and while I COULD do those things, they're not my forte. My husband, on the other hand, is DYING for those days to come. And when Roman falls and scrapes his knee, or bumps his head, it won't be his daddy that he goes running to. Comfort is Mommy's thing. I'm sure my husband COULD do it if he needed to, but its not his forte.
We (our son included) are all better off together. Daddy has certain strong points, Mommy has certain strong points, and Roman needs both, not just one. Dad will help him build the super cool ramp to jump his bike off of, and Mom will cure his pain when he lands on his face because of it.
And my husband and I will both be here to continue helping and teaching eachother for the rest of Roman's (and future kids') life. We will learn as we go, from eachother. I wouldn't give that up for anything.

[3mama]

I seem to think these stats are unfair. It's like saying that being a single parent is a choice we make. It can make someone worried that their kids are gonna suffer if the other parent has died, or is in prison, or is overseas much of the time.
These statistics are bogus most of the time. Whoever does these stats are not looking at separate situations. It's not always black and white, Life is made up of gray areas that that these stupid statistical reports don't see!!
And sometimes being a single parent is a choice, is a correct choice as a matter of fact. Where is the report that compares children of abusive homes and children of parents who leave those homes, making them single parents?!
I don't believe one is better, but I do believe that for the kids and me, being single, we have it better now than when I was with someone.

[lou]

obviously stats are a generalization, but I still think they're worthy of consideration and that we all can agree that the best thing for a child is to have both a loving mother and father.

[giraffes_buddy]

My opinion - the grass is always greener on the other side. It's kind of like the SAHM vs. WM argument - both situations suck, both have rewards, and very few moms on either side are going to see past their own situations without a lot of cajoling to acknowledge that the other side has it just as bad/good.