I can honestly say I was were you a year ago. I got pregnant within 7 months of being with my now husband, only difference was that he came iwth 3 little ones (we have custody and mom is gone). I will tell you my husband never got up with the baby for the first year. He worked out of town alot so I was left alone with 4 new kids. I was depressed, stressed, and ready to call it quits. But I had my mom. I vented to her when I needed to and she helped ALOT. I dont think you need a counsler, I think you need your Mother. As for him just start ignoring him and staying quiet around him, he'll eventually decide he has had enough and wanted to fix things between you two, thats what happened with us.
mamma j, (and all others) I am not having to put up with any type of alcohol or drug use with my husband..neither one of us drink, do drugs or even smoke cigarettes so thank God for that and it's not like I am having to fight another woman for him it seems worse than that actually because at least if it were alcohol, drugs or another woman at least I would have something or someone to blame. It just seems like we grew apart somehow. I am a great mom and my kids always come first (before myself or anyone!) so I am always with them, I don't go hang out with friends like he does, I just stay home with the kids or take them where I go. I have my mom (thank you Jesus!) that I can confide in and she doesn't take sides (she loves my husband like he was her own son) she stays neutral and I can tell her anything! My mom said that she thinks that we just got caught up in the day to day life and we lost our way to each other and he started doing things without me. Keep in mind we have been together for 15 years, that is a long time so yeah that does make since, maybe we did kinda go seperate ways without really realizing but... I don't think it is fair for him to treat me that way he does... 1. I feel like he takes me for granted because he knows that I will always be home waiting for him. 2.He jumps at the chance to help out a friend (for ex. he is at our neighbors right now watching their kids so the neighbor guy can go rescue his stranded wife at her job) but he won't lift a finger to help me around the house or with our children even though he is laid off. 3. even though I maybe having a stressed out moment he nevers offers to help or even give me a hug (which at times would be more welcomed than a helping hand) 4. he just expects me to do everything including getting him his clothes and putting his socks on his feet. 5. My older children 17 & 13 help me more in one week than he does in 3 months!! sometimes I ask him to help because I want him to help not the kids, yes sometimes to me it matters! I thank God that I have been blessed with great kids who offer to help or hug me when I need one (that shows me that I am a good parent because they are showing me love like I have always given them) but sometimes I want my husband to help and to make me feel more than just a mom, to make me feel like a woman.... wah -wah! am I a big baby or what... right now I feel like I am just throwing myself a pitty party!! Sorry for rambling on!!
thirtysomething - you say you've always put your children first ahead of yourself and your marriage, well then what did you expect to happen to your marriage? If you really want help from your husband, you have to ask for it. Men can't read minds, and it's just not their nature (most of them, not all) to think "Gee, my wife seems to be handling it all so well, but maybe I should pitch in, just for fun." I had to get over my desire for my husband to want to help out all on his own a long time ago; and I've been a lot happier since then.
If you want him to 'make you feel like a woman' again, then you need to take matters into your own hands. If you want to be thought of as something other than a mother for a while, then stop acting like one for a while! You need to arrange date nights and get all dressed up, and make time for him. I am not trying to be rude, but I bet he would say a lot of the same things about you not making him feel like a man anymore. You can't wait around for things to get better, you have to make things happen. Everyone always says, oh the kids should always come first. But I believe the husband and wife should come first. Don't you think the kids would be better off growing up in a house where they know mommy and daddy love each other and are communicating and affectionate? Kids need to be taken care of, but they also need to learn about healthy relationships, and the only way to teach them is to show them one.
Oh yeah, I forgot, why don't you hang out with any friends? It's very important for women to have friends, they provide support and fulfill some companionship needs that husbands can't. Men having male friends and women having female friends can help prevent the desire to stray. Your mom may be great, but she's not in the same station of life as you are.
Wow, a lot has been going on. I've been reading to catch up and I've got so much swimming through my head. I've started asking little questions when we're both calm and just hanging out. Usually after the baby is in bed. The other night, I asked him if he thinks we have anything in common. He told me the next day it frightened him. Maybe if I keep asking questions like this I can shake him up enough to get him thinking. Ha! I've found a useful tool! Thanks to all the ladies keeping up with us. I used to be Christian, my beliefs now are a little more flexible. But I in no way am saying that one belief is better than another. I think we all need to search out what helps us and gives us strength. One thing is for sure, we are not alone in this life. And there IS that higher power that we can out our faith in. I pray over my daughter every night when I put her to sleep. Maybe I need to pray for my husband and me too. The whole issue with drinking is so deeply embedded in him that he honestly sees no problem and in fact defends himself saying its ok, because he doesn't drink every day like he used to. I'm grateful he doesn't drink like that anymore, and I pointed out that its not the drinking but the goal to get drunk. As Ive said before if he had a beer or two a day, I could care less. I haven't had a proper appetite for a month now. I get hungry in the morning and that's it. I'm sure that's not good, stress related. But great for weight loss....sorry my poor sense of humor. Besides having no sexual interest either, I've not been able to have the big O in awhile either. I'm sure all stress related. Sorry that was random, but that's the kind of stuff I cant share with my Mom, she'd be overly concerned about my appetite and probably unsure what to say about sex. She's very conservative. Anyways, that's my two cents for the day.
I totally agree with you KayLady. Men can't read minds. Sometimes they are being so irresponsible because they know whenever they drop the balls, someone will come and catch it. That someone is US.
I also find hanging out with friends is very useful too. I set up a lot of playdates with other families that I like and are positive. Whose husbands are very helpful, caring etc. During their casual conversations, somehow they mention how their husbands wake up at nights for the babies and stuffs. It won't change our husbands in a second, but over time I believe it will give positive influence. Or at least keep him out of his bad friends.
What has helped my marriage stay great is the fact that we have God as the foundation of our marriage. I can only encourage you to pray and ask God for guidance and peace. He can restore the relationship and make it even better than before. I have friends who's marriage was similiar to your situation and now they are love birds. I pray everything works out for you.
Thank you for the advice, I talked with my husband and explained how I have been feeling and he told me that he will try to help more. So, we'll see what happens. I have told him before how I was feeling and that I wanted us to be together not just as parents but as husband and wife - friends - lovers- ect. and he said he wanted that too but things never changed, I tried but it didn't seem as though he was trying. He noticed today that I had colored my hair and he commented on that so I thanked him (for noticing). So I guess that is a start! Normally he doesn't notice things like that. He also said that if I wanted to he would start a fire in the pit tonight and we could roast marshmellows with the kids, hey sounds good to me! I just hope that there is hope for us and that we haven't drifted too far apart. It's kinda scary you know, my oldest graduates in just a couple weeks I know that I still have little ones (youngest is 4 months) but when the kids are grown and move away will we still be together? I can picture myself rocking alone in the rocking chair with my dog at my feet on the front porch waiting for the kids to stop by... that's scary to me! When I married him I ment for better or worse and forever. Hopefully things will start getting better soon. I do love him but I just wish things were better between us. I don't want a divorce I want my husband, I want a better marriage!
So, I have been exactly where you are right now. Got pregnant after 3 months married after 6, wow and what a mistake I made. Now I'm telling you this because everyone will try to tell you the positive, but lets be real ladies, after 3 months you can barely get to know a dog much less a person! My advice to you, since their is a child involved, do the best you can to make it work. Telling him out and out how you really feel is a good start, counseling is also a good idea. Mainly I would tell you to leave for at least a week. Calm down, have some time to yourself and gain some perspective. Sometimes when the anger and resentment keeps building and you can't even see straight. Things that normally wouldn't really bother you have you fuming mad. Calm down, your kid can feel your tension.
I hope this helps, but I also want to tell you, if it doesn't work it will be ok. My husband and I got divorced and I found a wonderful man who adores my kids. Also, since I did it before I hated my ex we have a great relationship now and our kids are thriving. Good luck.
i feel exactly the same as you do about everything, my husband drinks waayyy too much every night and admits he has a problem but does nothing about it. dont you feel like a nag even though you know you're right? my husband doesnt spend three minutes with my son in any given day. i'll ask him to help and hold our son while i do something and i'll come back and my son's playing on the floor alone. we argue about this stuff all the time and he never sees he's wrong! he wants to have sex all the time but i dont because he doesnt pay me any attention either until he wants some and gets mad when i'm not into it after i had to do everything in the house and for our son and work full time while he sits on his butt reading a magazine and drinking whiskey all night. i try to explain that if he made me feel sexy and loved and i got a little break it might help but it turns me off when he's drunk. I really want to talk to you more about this, i need someone who understands how i feel.