Is this the end?

[Mama.Jalapeno]

I'm sure I'm not the only woman who has been at the end of rope with her husband. And when I say end, I mean I'm hanging by a thread. I'm tired of him never seeing how he is wrong. I'm tired of him not listening. I'm tired of being the only one who seems to give a darn about our baby and how things are going with her. I'm tired of feeling like more of a f*ck doll than a woman who is sexual, sensual and beautiful. I'm tired of being the only adult, the only active one, the only one who who enjoys trying new activities, foods, etc. I'm tired of the whining and negativity. I can't raise a child around this much less keep my sanity for much longer. We were together only 3months before I got pregnant. I don't think the relationship would have lasted otherwise. I decided to give him a chance to prove himself, we moved from FL to NV and eventually got married in June 08. I always want to believe the best in people but he's maxed me out on that. I dont want to end up hating him, but I'm finding myself dangerously teetering on the edge. I need help, advice, a shrink, and a maid/baby sitter. Any ladies out there want to take this on?

[tierrajo1]

Personally I would recommend seeing a marriage counselor, they should be able to help you both sort through your feelings towards each other and your relationship. Maybe once you have someone helping you sort through all of your issues with your husband you will be able to make a decision about whether you want to try and work your marriage out or that you want to end it. FYI, I was with my hubby for only three months before I got pregnant with our first, I know how difficult it can be, he drives me crazy too sometimes. I hope everything works out for you one way or the other, it sounds like you have a lot of anger and resentment towards him and the way he treats you and I think counseling would also help you deal with those feelings, and if you stay together it will make you stronger if you decide not too maybe it can help you end it amicably especially for your child's sake.

[cay8099]

Have you talked to him about how you feel? Let me say the main thing to remember when keeping a relationship healthy is comunication, comunication, comunication. Get yourself a subscription to cosmo; they have the neatest little bedroom moves and techniques in there. It has def. helped put a little something back in my bed. Just sit there reading it and hand the mag to your hubby and say isn't this interesting.........read this, or better yet read it to him.

[Mama.Jalapeno]

Ah, anger and resentment yes. But rather than start an argument I try and lighten things up so he probably ignores what I have to say because I joke about it which doesnt help at all. But I've been trying to bring things up in a calm manner, such as his drinking. He mentioned it so I thought perfect chance to tell him how I feel. I told him "I wouldn't care if you wanted to come home from work and have like two or three beers. But what gets me upset is when your goal is to get drunk." His response? "Well I drink because I like beer, but when I want to get drunk I take shots of rum." Did he hear anything I just said??? How to get him to a counselor with me secretly...ha! set up a lunch date with a friend? I don't know, I'm willing to work on things but I need to see him work too. As for sex, I have literally NO sexual attraction to him right now. He doesn't even make an effort for sex. I was feeling generous last night and said yes, do you have a condom? He whined and said never mind, rolled over and went to sleep. He didn't want to get out of bed to get a condom. I have never met a lazier man...

[Mikey_BKK]

Maybe you got to get hard on him, sometimes that’s the only thing that works. I tried turning my back most of the time waiting for good timing and then politely request open discussion. Total failure... I found that good times to discuss got fewer, I stepped up attempts to discuss and the DW (Dear Wife) stepped up her opinion that no discussion was needed. I started to push that we must have communication and my wife stopped listening after 5 seconds anyway…
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Is he the kind of person who answers questions that you never asked? And stops listening after 5 seconds? I know that feeling…
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The problems with my family was there also before we got a child but at an acceptable level, once we got a child, the problems escalated. To be honest, I must also say that I love kids and my wife doesn’t. It got to the level where it worked because I turned my back and that worked until our daughter dictated that I couldn’t turn my back any longer. Ouups, what do we do then? I chose to become hard. I had the best teacher in the world teaching me how to, my wife, so I thought - Don’t like what you created? maybe you shouldn’t have taught me…
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But the good thing in my story is that is seems to have worked a bit anyway. It’s going in the right direction so I am not prepared to give up because I know that my wife is genuinely a good person, really.
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Would becoming very hard help you think?
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Americans often recommend counsellors, I don’t know, beware, or at least prepare very carefully before you involve one. Get clear evidence that he doesn’t care about the baby and how things are going with her, that he doesn’t know and is not interested in learning what parents need to know when raising a baby. Make sure that you have evidence that you do everything when it comes to the baby. Make sure you have evidence of his drinking habits. It is good to have 2 things to come with – Before we even start talking about saving the marriage part, let’s start with the totally unacceptable attitude toward being a father…
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Stay positive, think about solutions, not problems, stay calm, especially in front of your child. Take a time-out if you have to but Never Ever scream or lose your temper in front of your child! Ignore your feelings as much as you can, diversion and redirection works on babies and it works on adults too actually. When you feel like you can’t take any more, look at that lovely little face, concentrate on the baby, make him laugh, and you will feel better. I did that, I concentrated on Idea, my daughter, looked her in her eyes and tried to make her laugh and when she laughed, it became so much easier. Bad feeling not gone, but replaced with happy feeling. It works
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Is this the end? Only you can answer that question, it sounds like it's probably the beginning of the end. Good Luck
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Michael
Father of Idea, the good idea

[Mikey_BKK]

"But rather than start an argument I try and lighten things up "
I tried that too, it doesn't work. Problem is to get them to take it seriously

[Mama.Jalapeno]

Mikey, thanks for sharing from the heart. And the other ladies, thank you. Mikey, I want you to know everything you said really touched my heart, its interesting to know that this situation goes both ways. And just maybe you saved my viewpoint on men in general. Counselors do scare me, I almost feel like I need to be examined solo before I involve anyone else. I am ballsy with anyone else, save the person who can hurt me the most. I've always been that way and eventually I get tired and break things off. But I think whats holding me back is the marriage vows. I keep thinking " I made these vows and I'm going to try harder than I did before marriage." The only thing that ever works with him is to take a drastic measure. So I'm going to practice some tough love here...I hope I've got what it takes to stand up to him. Hell, if I try and he gets loud and verbally abusive that might just seal the deal for me. We had a HUGE argument once already and he refused to let me take the baby and leave. I just needed to go out for a drive. If he pulls that again, well I resort to drastic measures. Mikey, you make so much sense, thank you. And I wish the best for you and your family. Idea, what a creative name!

[tierrajo1]

I think you do need to sit down and share how you feel with your husband. He needs to know how you are feeling and how much of what he does bothers you, you will either find out that he wants to save your marriage or he doesn't, either way you will have your answer and can start moving on.

[Mikey_BKK]

I can't take credit for the name Idea unfortunately, my wife came up with it
I absolutely love the name, Thanks Dear Wife
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The key word is communication of course and the biggest problem is to get your partner to take the problems seriously and accept to sit down and talk about them openly. Tierrajo1 is right, you need to tell him your exact feelings. Don’t hold anything back except the tears but be calm when you say it. If you can nail him down long enough to do that... If you can't then I think you should try counselling actually, you have a child together so there are bound to be problems. Having (already) been to a counsellor is the right path to go, I think.
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Before going to a counsellor, it’s good to know that counsellors are generally good at 2 things, reading your mind and walking around problems :-) Your child is your main priority so if you go, make sure that you spell out very clearly to the counsellor that there is a child in the family and that what you now see in your husband that is unacceptable for a father to be will have to Disappear, bettering himself is not enough. Counsellors always talk about things getting better, define where getting better is a good start and where it is not even an option to consider
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“The only thing that ever works with him is to take a drastic measure. So I'm going to practice some tough love here...I hope I've got what it takes to stand up to him”
Mama.Jalapeno - Stay Calm when you do it, Stay Calm and Level-Headed. But be hard. Pick your timing, you seem pretty sure that he will not get physically abusive, good, but don’t chose times when he’s affected by alcohol anyway, you want to clear problems, having alcohol in the system is not a good start.
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“he refused to let me take the baby and leave, I just needed to go out for a drive” That’s against the law, very calmly shovel that down his throat
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Good Luck
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Michael
Idea’s Daddy
Little pic of Idea attached

[Mama.Jalapeno]

What a doll she is! Here's a link to my little one.
http://shuttercal.com/calendar/mama_jalapeno/2009/5/2/

I'll post if anything of interest happens...but I feel like my course is more set now. Thanks!!