When I was younger, I thought I would abort if I got pregnant. Fortunately I did not. When my husband and I decided to have a child, I began bleeding at 5 weeks and had an ultrasound. At 5 weeks, you could see his heart beating. Having my son made me realize that regardless of his size/age, he was a little human boy at day one. It is ultimately your decision, but if it were mine, I would opt for adoption. I breaks my heart to think you would, literally, throw your child in the trash because he/she is inconvenient for you. I wonder if your husband's reaction was an immediate one. Sometimes it's easy to over-react when you are surprised---after some consideration the curveballs you are thrown in life can seem managable. You should also consider some permanent birth control if you aren't interested in more children. Please have mercy on the little child inside you.
I think if you had an abortion you would have trouble living with it. You would wonder about that baby forever and feel guilt or even regret it later. After having my children, even if right now we got preggo with a third (which would be bad bc of finances as we are just getting by now) I would be stressed, hubby would be very stressed but there is no way we'd abort. The way my husband says is God gave us that child for a reason and that child belongs on this earth for as long as God wills it. That child's life probably even has a purpose we are not aware of. And my husband puts it so simply, looking at our other two children there is just no way he could just "get rid of it" that way. Those smiles and giggles and laughs...cute faces...he said he'd feel guilt staring back at him every time he looked at our other two...its not the baby's fault you got preggo...why take it out on him/her?
Personally, I tend to lean towards what craftyashley's sentiments. There's not a whole lot of difference between having a baby now, and having a baby in 2-3 years. Yes, it will be harder to get your Master's with two kids. But it's going to be hard with 1 child too. My grandma used to always say "Where there's a will there's a way." In other words, if you want to make it work you will.
That being said, no one on this board can tell you what is right for you. No one knows that but you and your husband. Let things settle a little bit so you both have time to get your emotions figured out. Then sit down and have a conversation. Make sure both of you are open and honest about your feelings. If you hubby really wants you to have an abortion, make sure he tells you why. If he's just scared about finances, maybe you can work something out where he isn't so freaked out. (2nd job, temporaray loan from one of your parents, etc.) In the end, you'll make the right decision for both of you. I know that because you've already make a step in the right direction by "talking" about it with us. Good luck to you. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
While I'm not saying you should put the child up for adoption, I do want to addess a previous posters concern about adoption and "what if the kid comes back years later and is screwed up"... As a sister to an adoptee and an aunt to three adoptees (with more on the way), I can honestly say a huge THANK YOU to the women who made the difficult decision to place their children up for adoption... Our family has been SO blessed. Yes, there have been issues (some health issues, some emotional issues), but there are no guarantees a biological child won't have the same issues... I would be saddened to hear that a woman decided against adoption only because she was afraid of the child confronting her in the future... There are so many other fabulous benefits of adoption to the family fortunate to finally get a long awaited for baby, not to mention an opportunity for a full and happy life for the child! FYI: For 1 of the adoptions referenced, the mother was married and, for various reasons, could not handle another child at that time...
I too agree w/ craftyashley.....I know it is VERY scary right now.. & your hubby is obvioulsy(sp?) not feeling okay w/ it right now, but take some time & let it settle in!! You are married & already have another child...I honestly feel like it wouldn't be that much more!! I know alot of people who finished their master's in a variety of programs while pregnant!! Even if you couldn't all you would have to do is put it off a year...or less!! From your writing it seems like YOU don't want to do this!!You also said you were both overwhelmed w/ your first baby & you made it through that , so I would definetly think you could make it through this!! You already have all of the stuff!! You know the routine!! Like someone else said no one can tell you what to do b/c we are not you...but I can tell you from having gone through it..(at 15)... I will NEVER forgive myself..even though I feel it was best for everybody!!! Good luck w/ your decision!!!
*TTC CYCLE #40*
It doesn't sound to me like you really want the abortion. Is adoption an option you would consider? Two of my very best friends and my cousin and his wife are all unable to have their own children and are trying so hard to find a baby to adopt. That's three people that I am close to; I cannot imagine how many other people are in their shoes. If you don't want the financial responsibility of a child, that is fine, but please consider adoption. There are really great mothers and fathers out there who are looking for someone just like you.
Okay... that's a tough one but let me weigh in on this.
Just before I met my husband I had an abortion, my boyfriend had dumped me then I found out I was pregnant. No insurance, crappy job, he was emotionally about 16 still (sure he was 26, but not emotionally)... I don't think he would have helped me in any way. It was a tough decision and I regretted it... but at the same time didn't regret it. I wasn't ready for children.
Fast forward 11 years and I have a beautiful son. There are times though when he's asleep in my arms looking all angelic that I regret what I did 11 years ago.
If you have any reservations about aborting... don't do it. Don't let anyone talk you into it... even your husband. YOU have to live with the emotions. YOU are the one who will look at a baby later on and ask yourself 'what if...'
However... as far as adoption... consider that. If your husband really doesn't feel ready for a baby, adoption is a wonderful way to go.
I was adopted... I'm glad my birth mother made that choice. My adoptive parents are the most wonderful people in the world. (I have trouble calling them adoptive parents because I can't think of them... never could... as anything but my parents). Also adoption gives you the opportunity to change your mind before the birth. Who knows... in 6 months your husband could change his mind and want the baby? If you abort there's no going back.
As far as the kid coming back a few years later 'screwed up'... that doesn't really happen in my experience. The kid has to be screwed up in the first place. Adopted children are usually not screwed up by their adoptive parents.
My brother was adopted too. He had fetal alcohol syndrome though. He spent his teenage years through 30 something messed up. But it wasn't my (adoptive) parents that did it to him, it was his birth mother. We were raised the same way, I am emotionally stable, was a good kid, not screwed up at all. My brother was the complete opposite. Potential adoptive parents are always screened (they should screen anyone thinking of becoming parents as well as they screen people thinking of adopting) so the chances of the kid being screwed up by the adoptive parents is far less likely.
I don't want to sound preachy, I'm very much a pro choice person, but in the end I'm pro CHOICE, abortion, in my opinion, should be the VERY LAST resort.
Do what's best for you emotionally. In the end you have options... be thankful for that.
Last edited by Bec caV; 03-27-2009 at 01:07 PM.
John-Gabriel Richard~ Born 12-14-2008
Lucas Michael- Born 07-16-2010
wow... i know how you feel... my boyfriend already had a daughter with someone who shall remain nameless... and he hardly sees her(she lives 8 hours away) hardly spends time with her or does anything for her... (and i'm the only one to blame apparently) so when i found out i was pregnant with our first i was scared to peices because i thought i'd be stuck with this kid forever and he wasn't going to change and he'd be out with his friend all the time and what not... so i wasn't sure if i could have our baby but i am totally not ok with having an abortion... i however have a few exceptions... one the baby is a product of rape.. or there is something wrong with the baby and it would reduce the childs quality of life... but thats just me.. i feel that both parties knew the possible consequences of their actions and need to deal with it as adults.. so i think that your husband is just scared that he is going to lose himself... here he is with one child and a wife and he lost all this the young crazy bachelor that he probably (like most men)was before hand... you need to make him realize that yeah while you don't do all the crazy single man things you used to look at what you have now... a wonderful wife and a beautiful daughter who love him and love to spend time with him and make him happy... but ultimately it is all your decision... if you can't handle an abortion(i know that i wouldn't be able to either) he shouldn't be selfish and force you to... you both did what you did and knew that there was some small possibility that #2 would decide to make an appearance... in these times no one can afford another child but our family is what keeps us going and makes everyday worth it.... we see that hard work pay off in our families... that penny pinching and coupon clipping shows and is suddenly all worth it when you see the gratitude in the smile on your childs face... technically you it won't be another mouth to feed for a while... well if you breastfeed... if your religious try talking to some one from that area of your life..
hope all goes well
When I first found out I was pregnant with our second child, my husband freaked out and told me he wanted me to 'get rid of it'. He was unemployed, depressed, and didn't want another child (his big reasons were money). He didn't speak to me for two weeks, because I told him no, that was not an option for us. We now have a beautiful child that he loves very much. At the time, I very much felt like he was making me choose between him and the 2nd child. I feel like if I had chosen to abort, our marriage would have crumbled and I would be left with regret and anger and I didn't want that for myself or my family. The stakes are different when you are married, because you should be able to rely on your partner when things unexpectedly happen. It doesn't sound like you really want an abortion and that you are only considering it because he wants you to. My opinion is don't do it, because honestly, if he's really committed to you and the family, he will still be there when this beautiful baby that you both created is born Hugs to you mama, it's not and easy choice to make, and ultimately it is your choice.
My mom had two healthy pregnancies with my brothers. She went through a WHOLE bunch of problems with her pregnancy with me. I know it can't be proved, but I'm set on the fact that it was cuz she had an abortion before me. She just couldn't have a third child with this "man" who abused her mentally and physically in front of her boys. She also had a miscarriage when trying for me with MY dad... not to be confused with my brother's dad...
She started bleeding 4 months into her pregnancy. Then the doctor's told her I wasn't going to be a mentally healthy baby. That I might have down syndrome and gave her the oppurtunity to abort me, but my dad wouldn't have it. I was his first baby, and screw those doctors, lol. I was born healthy and just fine, but she still had a lotta problems with me.
I also read somewhere that you have a higher risk of breast cancer after aborting. Cuz the second you get pregnant, your breasts start developing and readying for feeding a young infant. So then when you terminate the pregnancy, there's all these extra cells in your body, and some of them have the chance to become cancerous.
My aunt is a great example of that. She got pregnant and then at six months, she aborted it. Twenty years later, she got breast cancer. We have NO history of it in our family. Everyone was so freaked and surprised, 'til my mom confided about the abortion to me. Then I pulled out my anti-abortion pamphlet and read the article about breast cancer lol.
I would, obviously, never get an abortion. I do feel it is something the mother must decide... but I don't personally agree with it.
Ruby Ilene born May 27th, 2009.
7lbs 11oz and 20in long.