My 7-year-old wants me to dress her

[boyboygirl]

I have a lovely daughter. She is smart, she is talented, she is very coordinated, she is often independent, she can be bossy. Our current crisis has me feeling guilty and her in hysterics.

We are having a bit of trauma because though she likes to pick out her clothes the night before (good girl), she wants me to dress her, especially on school mornings. And she wants me to dress her in bed while she is lying down, often with her eyes closed, like some big plastic doll. To be honest - it's often convenient for me to dress her because then it is done and I don't have to wait and wait for to get her act together, or stand around and nag her to get herself going. But though she likes and insists I dress her - she isn't very nice about it.

Things came to head last week when I was trying to pull up her jeans while she was lying on her stomach. That is not easy - especially since I have struggle so - and she got made that I was hurting her and kicked at me. Enough!

Now bedtime is a nightmare and she cries and pleads with me to dress her in the morning, and morning is a nightmare as she cries and wails and moans like an abandoned kitten.

I have at least one pet peeve and that is I do not like to be "used". I am fine with being firm. I've been spending most nights having long conversations, being sympathetic with her, asking her how we should resolve the problem. But she is adamant. She wants me to dress her. Her compromise - she picks the clothes - I dress her and carry her to the bathroom (not touching the floor) - then she will wash-up and do her own hair. That is the old arangement (alas, yes).

I know a good part of this is that she still wants to be my baby and that this is (one) of her chosen avenues. But I hate it. And I tell her that it would make me happy to treat her like a 7 year-old and we can pick a more 7 year-old way to be close. Calm logic is not getting through. I don't scream at her and I don't feel a need to. But she acts like I am abandoning/rejecting her, and she is almost traumatized. That is what has me at wit's end.

What do I do?

[wright1212]

OK I have some suggestions, but first, this is CRAZY. I dont let my 4-year-old act that way.
OK now I think all children need choices, all children have a reason for doing certain behaviors, and eventually there is a solution.
First you have to find why she is doing this. You hinted that you believe she may want to be babied, you taking care of her, and without saying so it seems she is searching for power. Many children will protest so they have power, especially since they usally have little control in their day.
Second which goes with the first, she may need choices. Since you already have conversations with her you should try to find why. Ask her if she likes you taking care of her or maybe she likes making you do it (im sure she wont say that). Maybe finding other alternatives that are appropriate that show you taking care of her, and tell her to choose those. Make sure they are really great choices so she will want to choose those over you dressing her. Here are some choice ideas: special long cuddle time at night with a story, helping her do her hair really pretty, painting her toes (my dd loves that), special movie night, game night, playing dolls.
Another approach all together: This week I have started a chore chart for my 4yo. I am going to pay her .25 for each chore she does each week. I used a website called handipoints to create it. I put in normal and special chores. They also have games for kids to play online. You could sit down and create it with her and tell her that is one of her chores "to get self dressed". If she is resistant at first you could make that one worth more. After 2 days of doing the chore chart I am going to add an extra line myself for behavior, so if my dd makes several bad choices in day it will show. I sat down and made the chart with her and talked about rewards. She decided she wants to buy the new thumbalina movie. So tomorrow I am going to print a picture of the movie, the price, and how many quarters it will take to get there. (just to show her value, money, math)

GOOD LUCK

[playLce]

I think that she can bring the girls hair accessories. It's very beautiful. And that is very well.