Husband Making TTC Sex Difficult

[Anne-Girl]

I feel like I know the answer to this question, but "to get out of my head," I feel like I have to post it.

We're in Cycle 2, officially. We've been lazily TTC since about November--and by lazy, just going off forms of birth control, etc.

This Cycle 2 of temping, charting, vitamins, etc. As a result, I know when my most fertile days are. I have let my husband know when those best days are and have made it a point to ask/initiate sex. The problem is that, we just are not seeming to have all that much, if at all, sex on those days.

I feel like he's trying to tell me something without coming out and saying it, i.e. I don't want to have a baby.

I've explained to him the process the best I can--ovulation, fertile days, etc. I've explained to him that there's a window where its best to try--we can "try" other days (and do!) too, but that it's important to try to aim for the window at least somewhat consistently.

And yet, here we are second month, and he is still coming up with reasons why we can't try consistently during those days.

My red flags are up, and obviously I'm emotional and irritated, and just plain not feeling good about this situation.

He mentioned this morning that when he agreed to TTC that he thought we'd just have a lot of unprotected sex and "see what happened." What I explained to him is that I want both--I want to have a lot of unprotected sex "to see what happens," but I also want to have sex during the days where I'm most fertile.

I'm wondering if this is a sign that he doesn't really want to have a baby yet, or if he's just really misinformed about the process and I should just give him time?

I've got my big girl panties on, so please, give it to me straight.

[APEMBERTON]

LMAO!!!! You crack me up w/your "big girl panties"!! Ok so I will be honest w/ you!! I really feel like it could just be him, not wanting to put too much emphasis on it!! If you read the thread Dec/Jan TTC you will see that most of our husbands are wanting it to be a fun process & no "science experiment" type stuff can be involved!! My fiance & I have been TTC since February 2008, but I didn't start charting etc until October 2008!! I am starting to use the Ovualtion Predictor Kits this cycle, but I waited until now( officially 1 year) to use them!!! He is being very supportive about it & is totally okay w/ everything , but it has been a 1 year now & I don't really bring the stuff to his attention alot!! He doesn't really know my fertile days or my temps. or now using the testing kits.. I test when I wake up ..when he is already gone to work or is busy getting ready!!! I think it is the inner-planner in us women that make it okay for us, but scares them!! I also think it may be the fear that something may be wrong with them...(harder to take than us) .. or they don't want us to have sex w/ them just to get a baby..not for the actual act!! Basically I really think it is jsut a man thing from my experience & from what I have heard,but I would have a serious talk w/ him to make sure it is just that he wants to take it slow & easy, not he is being pressured/guilted into having a baby!!!

[excited4mommyhood]

I agree with Apemberton...your man needs to be sat down and talked to, so that you can both be on the same page and have an understanding of where each other is coming from in this process -- you both have to be committed to parenthood.
I had been ready to TTC since we got married (Nov of 2006), then we decided to wait until our first anniversary, then my hubby kept pushing it off because he hated his job, we don't own a home, blah blah blah. Finally, just before our SECOND anniversary, I took him out to lunch one weekend and I basically said this: look honey, no more BS, what's the deal? what EXACTLY are we waiting for? I told him I didn't want to pressure him, but we HAD made plans and they are continuously pushed back for one reason or another, and I wanted to know a BALLPARK of when he'd be ready to roll...
To be 100% honest with you, my husband was a little resistant to the conversation and didn't really want to discuss it, but he finally relented and told me that he just wanted to provide for his family, and didn't think that we were financially stable enough...I told him that we would never have ENOUGH money to be READY, but we lead a fairly comfortable lifestyle and we are THIS CLOSE to being able to buy a house (his ultimate goal). Finally, one night in the car a few weeks afterward, coming home from some dinner at my parent's house, he turned to me and said, I think it's time we start making a family...probably the BEST car ride of my life Ironically, that was right before my ovulation time that cycle (December) so we jumped right on the band wagon. We have not yet conceived, but we are trying, having fun and looking forward to our future....
So that was my very LONG story. You two just have to be on the same page. Try to talk to him and find out how he's feeling. It took me SEVERAL conversations to figure out what was up with my husband. It worked for me, I hope that something like it works for you! Best of luck to you

[Anne-Girl]

Thanks to the both of you! I needed to hear these perspectives. We are on the same page, I'm guessing my frustration lies in the fact that I feel like something's off because he won't have sex with me during the most fertile time. And it isn't an outright--I'm not having sex with you b/c I don't want to get you PG, it's more of a, Now? But I'm doing this. . . . or, do we have to do it again?

And that stings my feelings. I mean, I feel like I'm nagging him for sex (and I am to some degree) but if this is how it's got to get done, why doesn't he just accept that and be a team player? That's more of a rhetorical question, I guess, none of you really know my husband, etc.

I know there are more than 1 way to have a baby, I just don't understand why it can't be partly my way too.

[APEMBERTON]

I know when I feel like he doesn't care as much or when he doesn't seem excited it really scares me & hurts my feelings!! Just know you are not alone at all & he will get better & more apart of it as time goes along. At 6 -9 months my fiance would have NEVER wanted me to get the OPK's , but now after a year he was totally for it & ALOT more supportive than ever!! I feel like it is alot like pregnancy .....the baby is real to us(women) from the day we see a positive/2 lines on the HPT ...for the men I think it takes your belly expanding a few months & him to feel kicks for it to become REAL to them!! We(men & women) are just polar opposites about alot of stuff!! Try your hardest to just give him so space & some more months to be more involved & don't tell him EVERY little detail!!! I didn't get as obsessive until about 6-8 months into trying & it took me about a month to realize he is not obsessing like me & that it is OKAY!!! It doesn't mean he wants a baby anyless!!!

[craftyashley]

The TTC sex carries so much more weight that just regular love-ya sex! It's different trying to "actively" get pregnant. It may not be that he doesn't want a baby per se, but the active part of having a baby is making him a bit gunshy. Perhaps keep him out of the planning loop a bit and make the days you are most fertile special, sexy days for the both of you without all the pressure to make a baby!
We're in stage 1 of TTC and I'm the gun-shy one. I've got twin toddlers at home, and it's hard to have meaningful makin' a baby sex right now. I'm scared!
I do want a baby (so much) but I'm scared of the change the baby will bring to my life.
Good luck!