Time out

[christina.chen]

When did "time out" stop working for you? My SIL uses it on her 4 year old all.the.time. I'm trying to tell her that if she overdoes it, it won't work any more -and it's starting to show - but I was just curious about what everyone else thinks?

[TrubearJ]

I guess it depends on the child. Some children thrives on timeout and others don't. My son is almost 4 and he still has timeouts but I have branched out from that. He gets an "allowance" every other week. This is determined by the smiley stickers on his chore/responsibility chart. He is sad when he gets less of an allowance. He also can lose a favorite toy for a day. All I have to say is that every kid is different and each kid needs a different approach. If one discipline works better than another, than lean towards it. But who knows, timeout can be effective.

[KelEMcE]

depends on the kid, on the infraction. the consequence should be appropriate for what they did wrong. if you fight over a toy, the toy goes away. if you said something unkind to your sister, then you must think of three compliments to give her.

my oldest is 6 and still gets the occasional time out for any type of disrespectful behavior. more often, i send her to her room to distance her from the rest of the family. she can come out when she's ready to discuss her behavior. my youngest is 3 1/2, completely carefree, sits on her time out chair singing cheerfully. so for her, i have to be more creative. the threat of losing certain toys or privileges is more effective for her.

i completely and totally disagree with taking allowance away. my kids get allowance so that they learn how to manage money and save for a desired item, not as a reward for good behavior or for doing chores. they do chores because they live here and they need to contribute to our home.

if you are using time out every day, it seems that it is not very effective. my dad had a VERY effective punishment for us as kids - the job jar. break a rule, take a job from the jar. they were always very unpleasant ones - clean the shower door tracks with a toothbrush, wash the windows, vaccuum his car, organize the garage, sweep the patio, skim the pool while everyone else is swimming...you get the point. maybe your SIL could start that!

[mpschimmel]

So at what age do you suggest moving to another form of discipline. My daughter is 2 and the timeout thing is becomeing a like a joke to her. But I dont think she will understand the allowence or taking something away thing just yet.

[KelEMcE]

I think that it totally depends on the child and the misbehavior. I agree, a two year old is probably too young to understand allowance. I don't advocate taking allowance away, anyway; behavior and allowance and chores are not linked in our home. (Allowance is given so that kids learn to manage money and to delay gratification, saving for what they want instead of asking us. Behavioral standards are enforced as practice for living in a civilized society and functioning in the world at large. Chores are done because when one lives in a home, one must contribute to the home environment and help out around the house.)

But I do think two is old enough to understand withdrawal of privileges and loss of favorite toys. I always try to make the punishment fit the crime. So if my kids colored on the wall, they clean it up and then lose their crayons. If she refuses to clean up her toys (our big battle right now), I set the timer for a reasonable amount of time, then tell her that whatever is still out when the timer goes off is now mine for a week. I offer instruction ("Put all the dollhouse furniture IN the dollhouse" or whatever) or even help if I feel she really needs it, but she has the ultimate responsibility. I have cancelled playdates and not allowed my kids to attend birthday parties. Yesterday, my 3 year old cried when we had to come inside after playing in the snow. I told her that if she continued to have a fit, she wouldn't go again today. From previous experience, she knew that I would follow through, so she stopped. I had to make sure to take them out again today, but it worked.

My niece is 2 1/2 and recently very defiant. She says NO to everything! My sister has to hold her down to brush her teeth, pull the clothes on her, wrestle her into the car seat. Finally, she told her that if she has a cooperative day, she can watch a Little Einsteins video while Mommy cooks dinner. Bribery worked, and now she says, "I cooperate and I watch my show!" so proudly!

[nursegina]

My son is 2 1/2 and I actually think that time out was a joke until recently because he was too young until now to understand what was going on and why he had to stay in one spot and so on. Now it's pretty effective and I also take away toys when he misbehaves, especially if the behavior involves the toy (ex. driving his trucks up and down the walls) I don't spank him or ground him to his room (it's full of toys anyway). I also hate when my parents watch him and say "Be good or you'll have to take a nap" because nap isn't a punishment, it's a routine he should do everyday anyway!

[MommaC]

I tend to bow to Supernanny. She even has a book out that's super helpful. It has ALL KINDS of information about development, different ways to play, and different ways to discipline various age groups. I actually gave the book to a friend who needed to get a clue.

[Lucy Bamford]

I have a 21 month old boy who has started throwing tantrums.. Have no idea what kind of discipline methods to use - is he too young? Please help!

[MommaC]

Nope--he's not too young. The general guideline I've heard is once they're mobile, they're needing discipline. Obviously appropriate discipline is directly defined by the child's age. Again, I highly recommend Supernanny's book because she addresses discipline for the various age groups.

With that age, I've seen some parents just ignore the tantrum. I've seen others speak calmly to the child and wait it out or move him to his room to become reasonable. Personally, with that age, I try to prevent the tantrum (NOT by giving the kid whatever he wants, however)--can be kind of tricky in the beginning, but you can get oh so good at it.

That can be a difficult age when they don't always understand what you're explaining to them and they're wanting to have control. Always try to break it down in a way he can understand--words he knows, short sentences. Give him choices whenever you can. Like if he has to get dressed, he can choose the red shirt or the blue shirt, OR he can choose to get dressed in his room or in mom's room, etc. If he has to eat vegetables, he can choose carrots or peas, OR he can choose big bites or small bites, etc.

I'm hoping some of this is helpful--sorry if I'm totally missing the mark.

[momx3]

I am very pregnant and my 4 year old has quickly learned that I can no longer pick her up or chase her. All previous disciplinary methods have quit working. Time outs really dont work anymore because she wont stay then runs and hides in places I can't get to her. When her dad gets home from work she is good as gold. I am losing controll of her and its making me crazy!! Any ideas?