Help! How to deal with a bratty child

[dcroberts]

I was recently married and a month later my 8 yr old stepdaughter came to live with us. I agreed to this because I knew my husband had a very close relationship with his only daughter and really wanted her to be with us full time.

(btw - the agreement was only for a year) Agreeing to this was MY FIRST mistake.

I replied to this out of anger the last time and I confess, it still makes me mad. Just looking at these statements makes me wonder what vibes the child is picking up from her stepmom.
First, her mom ships her off. Second, her Dad only has her because he has PERMISSION from this new woman.
I can't help but feel that if this child felt genuinely loved and wanted by the adults in her life that much of these issues would resolve. But no, discipline is first and foremost on Stepmom's mind.
We LOVE our children first, then we discipline them because of that love. Not the other way around.
This child has issues with feeling secure in a parent's love. In my opinion, the father should never have had to seek permission, (especially for a limited amount of time!) to have his daughter live with him. Stepmom knew there was a child before she married him.

[lou]

I too am a step mom of two boys 7 & 9. I do discipline them on rare occasions that they act up and my husband happens to not be there or know what happened. However, my husband and I agree on what disciplinary action to take and what actions deserve discipline. when they argue we have a job jar, they must complete the job together without fighting or they do another, if one hits the other that one goes to their room (we have a strict no physical contact rule), if they lie they go to their room, other than that they've yet to do anything that really warrants disciplinary action. Now we only have to threaten the job jar when they argue, they will work it out on their own or come to us. If they argue over a toy we take it away.

You just have to first sit with your husband when the child is not around and lay down the rules for her together and the consequences for breaking the rules. as it has previously been said, the child is in your house and you and your husband are in a partnership, therefore your house your rules. Your husband wouldn't take his child to a friend’s house and allow her to be disrespectful or break the rules of their house their right? (I.e. taking shoes off at the entrance) so it makes sense that she should respect you and your house rules as well. The child will learn the rules just like my stepsons did. At their moms house she allows them to hit, or that's what the boys have said, but in our house we allow absolutely no violent physical contact and they know this. Children have different rules when they’re at school, library, playgrounds, friends houses, etc, she'll learn your rules as well, but you and dad have to be on the same page. Don’t just take things into your hands.

Now as for the living with you thing, I have to agree with dcroberts on this. You married her father, therefore where ever her father is that is HER HOME. I've repeatedly told the boys that their father’s and my house is their home and always will be. They are always welcome there no matter what and should they decide to live with us that's fine. That child will come to resent you if you do not let her feel at home. That child and my stepsons and any other stepchildren need to feel loved and wanted, even if deep down you don't feel that way yet. I know that I've always cared for my stepsons and gotten along with them very well, but loving them as my own, that's hard to do especially if you don't yet have your own yet. Loving your own children is easy. It’s unconditional and comes naturally. You get to experience them developing their own personalities and to an extent help mold them. Loving stepchildren and having a good relationship with them is hard, much harder than having your own. That relationship requires a lot of work on both parts, you have to build trust, you have to get to know their personalities and work with it. That sort of love doesn’t come naturally. I’ll tell you what though, after having my own child our relationship has changed. It’s become a lot easier. Before my child I was hesitant to show them any physical affection, like hugs, because they weren’t mine. I didn’t want to cross any boundaries. But having your own child I think helps to transcend any boundaries that once existed.

[momofthehouse]

[I am so glad that I am not the only one! My 11 yr old step daughter used to only come on the weekends. I agreed to let her come live with us. She was being bullied in her school, her mom is bi polar and sometimes suicidal. My step daughter is such a manipulator and her mom agrees with me on this. Dont think you cant change things. It has taken me 3 yrs of fighting with my husband over her(before she moved in), and now that she lives here he sees what a brat she can be. It has taken several months but she is starting to come around. He is also. Unfortunately it took me threatening divorce to wake him up but now that his eyes are open, things are better. She is 11 and was argueing throwing small tempers, sneaking things, lies, you name it. Well in my house PARENTS are in control and she has tried to push her boundaries and found out that she is not getting very far. She has lost many privileges and have threatened to leave her behind when we go on vacations and so forth. For a while I became a real monster mom, always watching her and she hated it. But just for you love comes first moms, Just because I discipline her doesnot mean I dont love her and show her alot of love. I give her hugs every day and tell her how proud I am of her when she does good things . I also tuck her in at night with hugs. Finally after alot of talking to get her to understand that if she would just do as she is supposed to , then things would be better for her and all of us, things are improving. it took 3 months of hell, but we are finally getting there. My husband is finally backing me up. He sits down with me and talks to her and backs my decision on discipline. and I can see she is starting to come around. You have to have a strong backbone and stick to your guns. Children need to feel loved, safe, and yes they DO NEED BOUNDARIES. You do need love and understanding too, but dont let the brat run your household you are the parent!!!