Help! How to deal with a bratty child

[Confused StepMom]

I was recently married and a month later my 8 yr old stepdaughter came to live with us. I agreed to this because I knew my husband had a very close relationship with his only daughter and really wanted her to be with us full time. He and his family often told me our situation would be better for her for a few reasons but the main one was because her mom treats her like her friend and allows her to be too grown. Mind you, in no way was she in a harmful environment. In most people’s eyes she's the sweetest thing. She got good grades in school, her mom is a decent woman - she never had her around different men or anything of the sort..... In hindsight this should have been a sign of "other" issues because Mom really isn’t all that bad, they were most likely mad because she always got what she wanted because of the daughter (they see her as manipulator). Well, wanting to be supportive of my husband and thinking it may be best to expose her to our way of thinking etc., it may be best to do this now just in case we end up pregnant in the next few months. (btw - the agreement was only for a year) Agreeing to this was MY FIRST mistake. This relationship is the most bizarre relationship that I have ever seen!!!! Since she has come to live with us she has shown how clingy she is to him and all the manipulative ways to get him to do what she wants has come out. Regardless to how big or small her request is, because of his passive attitude he just talks to her and everything is ok. He says yes to almost everything she asks (except for buying her things) regardless to our rules. In his words "why not - is there any harm?” That being said I'm the one to discipline most of the time so I look like the mean one or, the one that always has something to say. He allows her to have an opinion about everything and he appeases or negotiates just about everything with her. Daddy is her best friend and her playmate. I went out and found her a few friends in the subdivision because all she wants to do is spend time playing with the big kid - DADDY! Sad to say - that didn’t work well. Bottom line is I feel she's taking over my house. Everything revolves around her. I'm miserable by the sight of her now because I see how she plays him but yet he doesn't. What can I do? I just want him to step up and be a parent and stop letting her get away with everything. And last but not least I want him to give her space to be a child and not under him every second that she's at home. HELP!

[Tropical Escape]

You're the step parent, and as rude as this sounds it's not really much of your business how the father disciplines his child even though they are in your house. I have a feeling the daughter is being extra clingy as you say it's probably because she is scared of the fact that he is married to someone other than his mother. i highly doubt an 8 yhear old is being purposely manipulative. Sadly you're just going to either have to deal, or talk to your husband and say you regret all of this, which i don't see ending very well.

You posted this subject in two different areas, i don't think doing that is necessary.

[Pa_ool]

this sounds familiar. i was very close to my father who was very passive and my mother was the diciplinarian and there for not the favorite parent (now I see all she did for me and love her to death for putting up with me). To be honest the only time I heard my parents fighting was over my father's inability to punish his sweet little girl. he just couldn't see what wrong doing my mother saw. That being said, my mother had to constantly sit down with him and discuss how to "parent" me. Perhaps a sit down (first with just the two of you and than one with all three of you) to discuss the rules and punishments and that YOU are an athority figure. Make sure he knows you are feeling neglected and suffocated at the same time. I hope this helps. good luck!

[Pa_ool]

You're the step parent, and as rude as this sounds it's not really much of your business how the father disciplines his child even though they are in your house. I have a feeling the daughter is being extra clingy as you say it's probably because she is scared of the fact that he is married to someone other than his mother. i highly doubt an 8 yhear old is being purposely manipulative. Sadly you're just going to either have to deal, or talk to your husband and say you regret all of this, which i don't see ending very well.

You posted this subject in two different areas, i don't think doing that is necessary.

I disagree in so many ways. As a guest or a permanant fixture, that little girl needs to learn some respect. She is not an adult and needs to back off. Oh , yes an eight year old can be perposfully manipulative.... Your nieve if you think other wise.

[Confused StepMom]

In response to Tropical Escape....... sorry that you feel I posted this twice but this is my first time entering this site and I was not familiar with how to edit and delete. it was not done intentionally. You for sure have come across as rude. If you are ask skilled as you say i would think that you would probe a bit more... Isn't this site to CHAT. Are you experienced with dealing with an 8 yr old? Then please dont be the judge. I'll be sure to look out for posting from you and move right past them. Im here for help, good dialogue, and sound advice. Not to be attacked.

[Confused StepMom]

Parenting pro.... thank you for responding. I ask you when you were young what were those feelings like when you heard your mom and dad discussing him not disciplining you as she felt he should? How did that make you feel? Did you talk to your dad?

[APEMBERTON]

I totally agree w/ Pa_ool! I know alot of 8 year old & younger who are very manipulative!! Also step-parent or not it is your life & your house..you should be equally involved in every decision. I would have a heart-to-heart with hubby to discuss rules on everything including when she gets to negotaite w/ both of you not just him!! Make sure to not knock his parenting skills & give him plenty of praise for her too so he doesn't get defensive or feel attacked on her part either!!! Good Luck!!
ps/ Don't worry .. this is the first web-site I have ever posted on & I still mess up 10 months later.lol. Oh & welcome by the way!!

[Pa_ool]

At the time it made me feel guilty and empowerd at the same time. Guilty, because They were fighting about ME.. but empowerd because I knew I could get what I wanted with my dad. I think I would have benefited from them keeping their fights a little more quiet. Kids are way more intelligent than alot of people give them credit. I'm sure that little girl knows she is having an effect. It may very well be that she is acting in this way for attention from her daddy because she is hurt, or it just may be the difference in your parenting styles. I think your husband should have a talk with her without you so she doesn't feel threatened. The biggest problem is that you can't make her like you or be ok with the situation, but that doesn't mean she gets to be a brat. I may not have liked the dicipline my mother laid upon me, but I didn't have a choice, those were the rules. Being a mother (step or not) isn't a popularity contest. The relationship is mainly with your husband and its said that this is effecting that.

[Confused StepMom]

Thank you!!!!! i think you're right we may need to sit down and discuss each aspect ... this to include what can be negotiated. thanks for taking time to offer your advice.

[Confused StepMom]

it's interesting that you would say this because to everyone we actually have a good relationship. When its just the two of us - you'd never know there were any issues. If you were to see us - she's always hugging all on me and kissing me, we share the love. However when daddy's around she talks to me through him almost never directly to me. But when he give me attention by him kissing or playing with ME..... then she switches it and tries to get the attention from me to her by asking me all kinds of involving questions... trying to kiss up to me. this is why i say she's so manipulative and she knows how to do it very well. I mena i understand kids are kids and they will try to get their way but the way she goes about it is odd coming from an 8 yr old. I think me and my hubby should seek counseling before this goes to far. and the sad thing is..... i feel so sorry for him because he tries so hard to appease both of us so i try to give THEM time and he wont let me because he wants the 3 of us to do everything but then it drives me crazy because i have to be around watching her act out.