Keeping Friendships after Kids

[Jessica at Parenting.com]

In the December issue of Babytalk, one reader asks, "Now that I'm a mom, I'm drifting away from my best friend, who doesn't have kids. What can I do to maintain our friendship?"

Our advice: limit the baby talk, stay connected via the phone or IM or Facebook, and go out with her and the baby (preferably while he's napping in his stroller).

Have you had problems keeping a friendship going after the birth of your baby? How did you deal with it? Are you still friends? Reply to this message to share your story.

[eniese]

I've found that at every major life transition (marriage, kids, etc), there are going to be "friends" that just don't handle your new status well. What I've learned through a number of years and several kids is that I need to do my part to keep up my friendships (calling, emailing, writing, finding time to hang out w/o kids, etc) but that some of my friends will never choose to accept the changes in my life and I have to be ok with letting those friends go their own way. Sometimes it's jealousy, sometimes it's ignorance, but I can't live my life as though I'm single when I have kids just so my single friends feel more comfortable. They have to be willing to meet me in the middle somewhere.

Friends also need to cut new moms some slack as we try to find some balance in our lives. Most moms want to maintain their friendships, but the first couple months with a new baby are exhausting, a time of constant change, and we don't often have the physical or emotional reserves to spend lots of time out and about with our friends during this time. Once the baby is older and our family has reestablished routines, it becomes much easier to bring friends into the mix.

[jayzfan]

ive actually been dealing with this problem lately. most of my good friends are all single or attached but still go out on weekends. they've pretty much stopped calling to see if i want to join them. its pretty hard to deal with. i mean just cause im married and had a baby does not mean i cant go out and enjoy myself, right??

[kissah]

I am a 20 year old Mommy of two, so it is obvious friendship is still a major factor at this point in my life. I thought I'd be more upset on not being able to decide for myself how I use my freetime, but I'm not. i don't mind spending the day with my kids. I still call my friends regularly and make sure that our whole conversation is not about my kids. Let them know that you can still relate to other parts of social life besides the family. Also those who are true best friends will not drift away. They will enjoy time spent with you just as much as when you had no kids.

[brandie1127]

Right after highschool my friend had a baby and I couldn't deal - my problems ALWAYS paled in comparison to her, I couldn't call her up and complain about Joe Shmoe not calling when she couldn't afford diapers, had a sick crying baby and her father was not only denying up and down that she wasn't his but also claiming she was "mixed". ( My friend is white and so is her daughter and her father) So eventually I stopped calling. I'm so thankful that we are older now and her and her daughter have become a big part of my life. I just needed to go through a few stages of life on my own. I was drinking and partying and she ... was a mom now. Sometimes you have to accept that those husbandless/childless friends just cannot relate to your new big life change and need to seperate from you for a bit. If that friendship was strong to begin with - you'll be friends again, you just have to wait for her life to catch up to yours. My friend and I became good friends again after I got engaged, bought a house and settled down alittle bit. On the flip side - I too have lost friends because of my relationship/new mommy status, and ... its ok. Maybe they'll be back once their life makes them settle down in some way - they'll be able to relate to me again.