Abusive Grown Child

[Stephie50]

I'm new here, and sorry to start out with a rant, but I've been crying for two days and I just don't know what else to do.

I just broke off all communication with my oldest son, who is in his 30's. I readily admit I wasn't always there for him when he was young, but he will not let up on me. He's so passive-aggressive in how he tortures me. He says he's forgiven me, but no matter what I do, he just keeps pushing me away and trying to hurt me. He is constantly reminding me that he doesn't think of me as his mother, it's too late to act like his mother, and says he wants to be "friends." Just when I think that we are doing well, he'll start this passive-aggressive stealth attack and he has me in tears for days, then he just acts like I'm overly sensitive and need to "not take things so personally." How do you not take it personally when someone does something like that?

He's in his late 30's and still unmarried, although he's engaged, but seriously, I doubt she will marry him either. He's no prize, believe me. This woman is supporting him because he refuses to get a real job (and he could, he's been offered good jobs, but chooses to play at what he "loves"). He won't even let me talk to his fiance. I've never met her because he lives very far away and I am not in a financial position to be flying up to see him. He came to see me a few years ago and couldn't even stay for a couple of days without starting a huge fight. I should have walked away from him then, but he's my son, so I finally gave in.

This time, I'm really done. I don't want to be his friend, I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him for fear I will say or do the wrong thing. Nothing I do is right. I've spent over 20 years trying to make up for a bad decision I made when he was 14, and I feel like I"ve done my time and have been punished enough.

I feel guilty for walking away from my own son, but how much are we supposed to take? I'm just so exhausted and devastated by all of this.

[saliisis]

Steph50,

Cut the cord. He is in his 30s you are not abandonning him. If he wants that kind of relationship then let him have it. What else should you do?
You mentioned that you did something at the age of 14 that he will never forget. Well you have to live with that. You made that decision then, and apparently whatever it was, was more important to you than he was. How can he just forgive?
I would let him have his "space". Cut the cord, give him what he wants. He will eventually need you! HIs fiance might be the one to bring you guys back together. He will probably have children, and I am sure she will want them to see their grandmom. Have faith, and cut the cord.

[Swati88]

Let him as he is,he is aged now.you can not bound him!!