In-laws crazy , Or is it just me?

[krc]

Just to get you acquainted with my situation, I am engaged to a woman with a 4 and a half year-old little girl who I claim as my own flesh and blood. Everything in the relationship is great but we are having some issues with the child misbehaving. She is still living at her grandparents house at the time being and we are planning to move within a few weeks.
For starters, the child is still using a pacifier, not one but two. She sucks one and rubs the second on her nose. We had her down to one at night only but now she is using two all day long every chance she gets. She has a horrible diet of junk food and will scream and cry if she doesn't receive what she wants. She cannot sleep by herself, cannot go to the restroom by herself, cannot feed herself... all because the in-laws have made her accustomed to having everything done for her every day. She misbehaves regularly and is never punished because the family doesn't believe in punishing a child other than a time out with an ice cream after 3 minutes of it. Here recently she has been abusive to animals and this is the last straw. I am so close to sitting down the in-laws with my fiance and letting them know how ridiculous this has become. We both are on the same page with what the child needs but the family is not letting her be a mother, nor me be a father. They think they know what is best yet it seems the child is doomed for psychological issues in the future. No matter what the child can scream and cry and the grandmother and great grandmother will go running to her to make sure she knows she's loved and give her whatever she's screaming for. They look down upon us for wanting the child to sleep in her own bed and stop using pacifiers.
With all of that being said am I just being paranoid or is there some serious issues going on here? How should I go about correcting these problems?

It should also be known that I do not have these issues with the child during the day when she's alone with me, she takes no for an answer and is well behaved (mostly). It seems the devil comes out in her when she's around them.

[M.J.O.]

This sounds like a bad situation for sure! Wow! Definitely get out of the house asap. Its ok for grandparents to dote and cater to their grandkids but not when they are around enough to be in a parenting role. 1st - this is your wife to be's discussion with your parents, it should be easier for her to talk to her parents. 2nd- get structure and routines in place. 3rd - I'd toss the #2 binki asap - cold turkey (don't be a meanie about it, just casually explain that its "expired" and needs to be tossed), then for the #1 binki ween her off half way... then have a "big girl party", give her something and/or a responsibility while removing the infant things the step up to big girl status needs to mean something. Finally be PATIENT and do not react in anger or in a way that punishes her. She will need to deal with the change on her own - maybe crying and tantrumming even. I think its important to show her these actions don't get a response/reaction from you or anyone.

I wish you luck on this, its a tough road to start from.

[William Douglas]

Yes I agree - get out of the house fast!

[mkellee]

I too am living with my husbands parents and they have overstepped boundaries with our son. We have to remember WE are the parents. God chose us as the parents and the grandparents as grandparents. Remind them of that. Stand up for your family, in a nice way of course... thank them for all they have done then move on. it will be hard on everyone but as long as you have the childs best interests at heart, God will give you grace. good luck

[MattDNJ]

I know from experience that you can't change the in-laws. However, you can limit the child's exposure to them. And even if they won't follow your rules, you should at least make them known.

[1stTimeParent]

Two families aren't meant to be under one roof, no matter how civil things are, it is written in the Bible that man and woman should leave and cleave and not be under the same home with their in-laws.

The problems you have are more common than you think, parents being older will often times think that they're right since they've been there and done that even when the things they are doing are wrong. I've seen that with my two older brothers when they got married, both times my mom began interfering with how they do things to a point that they left the house.

Before I got married, me and my fiance (back then) decided that it'll be better off to get a house of our own even if it'll be a financial burden for a few years but I thought it was the best decision that we've made because a few times when my mother visited she would comment that we should do this or that to our son.

So I agree with the others here that you have to get a place of your own.