Desperate! Dealing with clingy 17m twin

[dcbpinball]

Hi,

We are at our wits end. Our daughter is really challenging us at every turn. I work M-F, mom is home with the twins, nanny joins us M, W, Th, Sa from 11-5. When mom's alone with the twins, our daughter gets really clingy. Changing brother is difficult, mom stepping out to pee is impossible. Now she is scaling her crib, the pack & play (timeout), and her tantrums are nuts. We've tried to remain united and consistent in our handling, but we have experimented with different techniques... distracting, talking (e.g., "I'll be right here changing brother"), and ignoring. All to no avail. We've never spanked.

Grouchy wake-up, teething, no nap, constipation just exacerbates.

I'd say we're doing a bad job, and maybe so, except that our son exhibits none of these behaviors, and we've raised them exactly the same. So I won't put all the blame on us.

Any ideas? Full-time nanny? Preschool?

Thanks in advance,

Darren

[Dadthebaker]

Your story just made me think of a good friend I had. She was a twin, married and with a kid of her own. She was inseperable from her sister...

Her parents said it was always like that.

I wonder if some twins have a "clingy' gene?

Just talking out loud, cause twins fascinate me.

Dont blame yourself, they dont come with manuals...we just do the best we can with what we got... When my boys do something that always drives me crazy, I try and think that is thier own little personality and no where does it say I have to like it- they arent doing it to personally irritate me. Took me years to learn that one.

[tadamsmar]

The kid is probably reacting to the reduction of attention that comes with a new baby. Getting full time nanny or another adult to cover the gaps would be a quick fix.

Assuming you don't do that, I think its best to work on the problem when there is more than one caregiver there. Give the kid lots of attention when she is not misbehaving. Praise her specifically for her self control, playing quietly, anything that specifically describes her good behavior. If she starts tantruming then pretend to ignore. When the tantrum abates, come back and give her praise for regaining self control, lots of attention and face time. Ignoring and time out works well only if it is combined with lots of time in (praise, attention, face time) for good behavior.

As you are finding out, time out is a difficult procedure because it's easy for kids to defie it. You actually need to use another punishment to keep a kid in time out, like taking away a favorite toy. But only take a toy away for a short time. Longer punishments don't work any better and they have bad side effects.

Another thing to do is come up with a positive way to try to get the daugher to give Mommy some time. Like "Mommy will come back and play with you after baby is changed." So, you are not telling the kid to just leave mommy alone, you are giving a series of events with a reward at the end.

"Kazdin Method" is good book to read. It's based on scientfic research unlike almost all other parenting books that are available

[dcbpinball]

Thanks for the advice!

Our Nanny came back from vacation and that has helped tremendously. Also, we have employed a couple of techniques that seem to be working very well… "Choices" and ignoring. With choices, we ask her which of something she would prefer, which seems to distract very well. When she does throw a tantrum, we totally ignore it, and she seems to get over them much faster.