I just read that article that MommaC posted about abortion. I didn't realize that so many of you are rape survivors. I have to tell you, it made me feel really connected to you guys. I have to tell you that I kind of feel like a liar when I say that I am a rape survivor. I was raped when I was barely 16, but I really don't feel like I survived anything. I still have nightmares, I still freak when my someone takes me off guard, I still wake up having panic attacks, almost two years later. This isn't a constant thing, but it still happens. Once every two or three months I would say. So, I just wanted to know if you guys wanted to let anything off of your chests or just talk? You absolutely do not have to. I don't expect you guys to. But, incase you do. This is mine.
I was friends with this guy from school, really good friends actually. We had liked eachother for a long time, but I got over the crush and moved on with someone else. He came over to my house one night, my parent's were gone...and he brought a friend. I had only met his friend once or twice. They kept trying to get my to do things with them, oral..sex..anal..and I refused. Before I even knew what was going on, I was being held down by one, raped by the other..It was the worst night of my life. When they left, I called my then friend, now husband and didn't even tell him at first, but he knew something was wrong. I told him and he rushed over, called 911 for me and I went to the hospital. My mom was being a huge ***** about everything. I really do not think that she believed me, even to this day. I still hold it against her, I cannot believe the way she acted about it. Especially now that I am a mother, it just baffles me. I pressed charges, and still nothing has been done. "I'm sorry Jennifer, there just isn't enough evidence." So, six months later I get a message on my voicemail. Private number. It was them, they said that they were going to take me out to the middle of no where and "have their way with me." I just found out a month ago, more than A YEAR LATER, that it came from one of their friend's phones. And still, nothing has been done.
PS--this thread is definately not for sympathy, I just want you guys to know that I have been right where you were...and are. Anything you guys want to talk about, I am here.
I am sorry that happened to you jenn. I am glad you felt safe enough to share your story with us.
For me, I was molested for a long time by an uncle who lived with us and my parents thought he was "safe" to leave me with as it was my dad's brother. We all lived at my grandma's (Dad's mom) as they didn't have much money. Anyways, I was sexually abused for a long time and as time went on it got more serious, rape. I had problems for a long time, overactive startle response, nightmares, flashbacks, depression, even fought with an eating disorder all through my teenage years.
I am now 24 and I am doing MUCH better, but am still in therapy and still doing a lot of work on healing. It is a long road. But I have been able to marry, have children, and can happily say I haven't had a nightmare in awhile. And my startle response and PTSD are a lot better; I am no longer depressed. So, there is hope. There are still really bad days but I work hard to allow myself to feel my feelings for they are valid and necessary to feel the pain in order to heal but at the same time to LIVE. All these years I went on SURVIVING, now I am actually THRIVING. There's a big difference and it took my awhile to see that. If therapy is getting me too down my therapist and I give me a break and we talk about other happier things for awhile......she said if you keep thinking about it over and over like a broken record your brain will fire memories, flashbacks, etc. and she has been right from what I've experienced. So, yes, think about it, process it, but try to also move forward with each day and live as much as you can in the present. Trust me I lived so long in the past and didn't really live in the present until I met my hubby and he showed me how to trust again. Its still a learning, healing process but I know I'll get there one day.
Wow what a deep thread. Ok here goes my story.
I was 19 living alone when a girl I barely new invited me to a party at a hotel. She picked me up and off we went. On the way she asked me if I wanted to smoke some pot. I said ok. Having been "new" to the world of drugs I had no clue that what I was smoking was pot soked with embolming fluid called wet. We got to the party and it was all guys. She soon left me there and I quickly found out that I was the party. The "wet" sort of paralyzed me. I couldn't scream or anything, I just laid there while multiple guys had their way with me. They actually handed me money as I got into my cab in a stupor over what had just happened. I guess they figured if I pressed charges the charge of "hiring" a prostitute vs raping a young girl would be completely different. I went back to my appt. and showered, then I called my mom who missunderstood me and thought that I had prostituted myself and started yelling at me about "whoring". I went to a neighbors appt. and barely got out what had happened before PTSD kicked in. I spent 3 days in a Catatonic state. I just read books, but I wouldn't speak to anyone. In the hospital they did a rape kit and I started to scream when it was a male doctor. I tried to press charges but it was just too hard. The SVU wanted these guys too. They did try really hard - but I just didn't want to talk about it. Especially the part about the money. During my 3 day catatonic trance my neighbor stayed by myside the entire time and took such good care of me I can never thank her enough for that.
I am married with a baby on the way and I think I'm ok. I have moments still and I do have a fear of older men. I don't like to be hugged or really even spoken to by men including relatives. Thats been going on for years.
Brandie totally in love mommy of Ava Michelle 2/5/09
Everyone is a genius but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid ~ Einstein
Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent ~ Eleanor Rooselvelt
Well behaved children aren't born they're grown and happiness is a choice ~ me!