Hi... I don't mean to be on here whining because I put myself in this situation, but I could really use some advice right now. With my first daughter (who is now 16 months old) I made a horrible & unexcusable mistake and when she was born she had methamphetamine in her system (I had been using since age 16; I am now 26) and CPS took her immediately. I've been fighting to get her back ever since but at some point I got very discouraged, let my emotions get the best of me...becoming a mother was the only thing that ever gave me enough of a reason to get clean, which I have now been for 9 months. I couldn't stand the thought of losing my child; of not being a mommy... I decided to have another baby (mine is living with my aunt & uncle for the time being). I've been on the right track since then, and my parents are helping me fight for custody (they are trying to get her to live here with all of us)...
The problem I'm having right now is with my baby(ies) father. We used to do drugs together; he's extremely bipolar and it was an emotionally & physically abusive relationship. Up til now he's made an effort to be clean and somewhat participate with CPS services, but I feel that he isn't really in it for our daughter and only in where he thinks he can get with me through her. I hate him for this! The reason I'm all upset right now is I just found out that he's started doing heroin again behind my back. He's also on probation right now and I am so hurt that it's taking everything within me not to just call his PO and screw him over, you know? I've had such a problem being codependent in the past...Since my life really has nothing else going on right now, I think he takes advantage of the fact that I have no one else to talk to, be with, spend time with, get any kind of support from, etc. But I'm worried about the future of both our babies. A huge part of me (probably the logical part) wants to leave him, but I have been reluctant to do this as I'm 20 weeks pregnant with his child. Though if he keeps on the path he's going he'll never be any good to me or our children. Should I just leave him now, or should I give him another chance (which he is, of course and as usual, begging for)...? How will I cope with the prospect of being a single mother, of knowing all my hopes of having a "real family" will be dashed forever? How do I get away without letting him pull me down too?
Any advice would be much appreciated...(and thanks for listening, ppl, cuz i needed to vent bad!)
a few things to say...
first of all, as a recovering addict myself congrats on the 9 months of sobriety.
secondly, its easy enough to say that he deserves another chance and all that good stuff, but the reality of it, is that if you guys stay together and he continues to use, theres no doubt that this new baby will end up taken away. since you have had contact with cps in the past, they will probably come to see you after you deliver, and drug test you, and him if he is there or if he is going to be in the picture. if either of you drop dirty theres a risk that the baby will be taken instantly. its sad.. but if he is using, the only way that you can guarantee taking your baby home is if he is out of the picture. and all addicts (current and recovering) know that you can only change your life and stop using when youre ready to. no matter how much he begs for another chance and promises that things will be different, theres no guarantee. personally, if i was in your situation, i would play it safe and go about it on your own for now. if he wants the life that you want, then make him prove it to you, and go from there. im not saying that he doesnt deserve to be a part of the babys life, or that he should be punnished for being a drug addict, but the only way that you can keep from losing everything is by taking small steps. because in a situation like this, if he messes up, it will affect you first hand. it doesnt seem that he has tried to show you that he is ready to change if he is still using, especially behind your back. my advice to you is to be strong and hold your ground. if you want a family with him, lay down the guidelines and let him know that no matter what, nothing is going to stand in your way of being the best mom you can be, and if he wants the same thing then he should be able to see where youre coming from and understand your concerns. theres no shame in taking some time apart to focus on what is important in your lives. you sound like a strong woman that has been through a lot, and how do you cope with the prospect of being a single mother? well, you just have to decide what you want more.. the chance to turn your life around and be a real mother to your children, or stay with your man as is, and risk losing another child to the state, which will ruin your hopes of getting your first baby back for sure. if you can get clean and learn how to live life sober again, then so can he. he just has to want it bad enough.
good luck, youre in a really tough situation but if you sit and think about whats really important, you'll know what decision is the right one to make. if you love him and you two want to be together and raise a family, you deserve to know if he is serious about getting & staying clean.