Full-Time Stepmom

[Disco Lemonade]

I am a part time mom; we have her every other weekend. My step daughter is 8, I met her when she had just turned 6. I wish I could of met her at 2 years old, I honestly don’t feel anything for her, not love nothing like that, she’s just a strangers daughter to me. Don’t get me wrong, I care about her, and I worry for her, but I don’t see her as my own. Things do get hard especially with her that she lives with her mom on a daily basis, so she see’s me as a stranger that married her dad. It sucks, and I had tried to fix that but to me it was just awkward, especially after I had my daughter. I’ve gone through so much trouble disciplining her, in many of my past threads you could tell that I was going through a rough time with her. I was trying to show her manners and lady like etiquette that her mother never showed her. Step mothers get no recognition, were for some reason most of the time viewed as the wicked step mothers. So sad

[dangerlucy]

I've been a full-time stepmom for over 6 years, but I've been in my stepkids life for 11 years. They are now 16 and 19. My husband has been custodial parent since their divorce. We shared custody for many years with their mom, but in their early teen years, the kids fought her to stay with us more. My stepson (16 yr old) only goes to his mom's house every other weekend now. My stepdaughter, who's now in college, has pretty much been living with us full-time since she was 16. Her mother and she do not have a very good relationship.

I have never tried to replace their mother, and never tried to damage their relationship, but I have certainly acted like their mother - doctor and school visits, shopping, paying for their expenses, and even more on the emotional side when they didn't feel they could speak to their mom, especially my stepdaughter.

My philosophy has always been to be their mother when they need it, but not to try to take her place if they don't want it. Someone once told me I should just be their friend, but I don't agree with that. I'm still a parent to them and we all know you can't just be friends with your kids - they need discipline and rules and guidance.

Continue doing what you're doing by being another parent in her life. It is a thankless job (especially the time that I couldn't seek urgent medical care for my stepson when he got a busted lip from a basketball game!) I know my stepkids respect me like a mother because I've respected their relationship with their mom.

[flutterbye71105]

My husband and I have joint custody of his 11 year old daughter with his ex. I have been in her life since she was seven. I think the hardest thing about being a stepmom is when you stepchilds biological mother HATES you. My husband was never married to her and they split when their daughter was 2 but she still secretly wants to be with him and has always gotten angry whenever he dated anyone. We actually got along good for quite a while. She would only deal with me, she and my husband have an extremely volitile relationship. But once we got married suddenly she hated me. She didn't want me signing any school paperwork, contacting the school, attending any conferences, open houses, answering the door when she dropped our daughter off, or answering the phone when she called. Suddenly I was this evil horrendous women who did nothing but make my stepdaughter's life miserable. Especially when we went back to court to get the custody arrangement changed. Her mom told the court that I was telling her lies about her mom, leaving her home alone, and all around being mean to her. I have never told my stepdaughter that she needs to call me mom, that is her decision. I have tried to be there for her no matter what and she understands that if there is anything that she feels uncomfortable talking to her mom or dad about then she can always come to me. No matter what goes on with her mom or how difficult she makes my life, it will never change the way I feel about my stepdaughter. I love her as much as I love my son. Being adopted myself I know that you don't need to give birth to a child to be a parent and to love that child more than life.

[Newmom09]

I am also a full time step mom to my husbands 3 1/2 year old. We were given residential custody after the child had suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns from the mom's boyfreind. I was there to halp her through this time and we thought that her mother wasn't comig back because she never called or tried to contact the child so we had just left it at that. That she most likely coming back so to make life normal for my step daughter we allowed her to call me mom. Since then her mother has come in and out and never really been a reliable person for her. I am now currently expecting my own child and where as one would say that maybe one would simpathize with her mother. I just see that as laziness on a biological mothers behalf. I agree that step moms need more recognition seeming as though that the court system just see's us as a free babysitter or maybe an invisible foce. We are step parents hold a very big part in those children's lives. I know that everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect, but as a step mom and a mom to my own child soon it open's up my world to the fact that I have done a great job in someone else's life previously and I know that I will be able to make a difference in my own child's life.

I can completely indentify with you that recognition is a very importatnt thing and even though I love my stepdaughter and have done everything I possibly can for her and changing my life just for her I know that one day she will appreciate me. Even though her mother tries to turn her against me anytime she feels like playing mommy, but when she grows up and she remembers who was there for her and who helped her my name will still be on her lips. I know that it hurts to see her go with her mom and hear her say mom when you feel that hey I am the one who's been here, just know that even if she doesn't call you mom. You are the mother of her heart even if someone elses blood run's through her veins.

I hope this helps.

[Sweetemandi1]

I am a step mom to 4 children i have one of my own and we are having another. The only one i ever have a problem with is the youngest, she's 8 thats daddys little girl and she dose not like to see us together but my real problem is she wants to get an attitude when ever he is around and i dont like disaplining them because they are not mine but he has told me to disipline them so i dont know how do i get her to listen to me and not have an attitude.

[lou]

I for the most part leave the discipline to my husband, but I go by the our house our rules modo. if they are doing something they know better than to do that I don't like, such as hitting each other then I will step in if my husband isn't there or if for what ever reason he doesn't step in. we have the same concepts of what actions require discipline and how to discipline so it hasn't been a problem with us. the only difference is that he will sometimes threaten a spanking if they do something again. (I've never seen him actually give one out though). whereas I would never dream of spanking his kids, I don't think I'd ever spank my own it have to be something pretty drastic to warrent me spanking my child. I think there are much better forms of discipline, timeouts, taking privilages, or chores. I made a job jar for the boys. I put little slips of paper each with a different job, such as raking leaves, picking up sticks, sweeping, or dad's/mom's choice into a jar. when they fight they have to pick a slip from the jar and do that job together satisfactorily without fighting or else they pick another after that one's complete. I don't put clean their room or pick up their toys in the jar as that's just expected of them. their fighting is typically the only thing that we discipline them for. they are really good kids and well behaved so that's really the only thing they ever do that warrents any discipline. though once the youngest lied about something and was disciplined. I would still do this though as timeouts for kids this age (7 &9) are really not very effective, they just get bored which makes them more apt to misbehave in my opinion, and taking privilages just makes them angry and more apt to smart off or argue with you. I would make a job jar up and be sure to let her know what behaviors will lead to you implementing it and follow through. I rarely have to use mine as when they begin to argue I ask if I need to get the job jar and they very quickly will straighten up and get along/share/take turns whatever. it only takes a couplpe of times of following through before they get it. You are a parental figure in your stepchildrens lives whether or not they like it and you should be respected especially since it's your house. you and your husband just need to be on the same page about what warrents disciple and how to do it or they will never respect you. don't do the wait till your dad gets home thing, it's counter productive to what you're trying to do. let them know you're not here to replace their mom, but you are an important figure in their lives and as such will be treated with respect.

[YuJuan29]

Oh...I am so glad to find out there are so many other step-mom's out there who go through the same thing as me. I have been a step-mom to my 6 yr old step-daughter since she was 3. I recently had my first child this past August and we have been trying to get her used to not being the only child anymore. To those of you out there that have younger children who don't call you "mom", I know exactly how you feel. My child's mom never did anything for her and considered her "too much to handle" so I ended up being the one who cooked dinner, potty trained her (not potty trained at 3 yrs!), read her books, etc. I felt like a glorified nanny without the pay..:-) She never called me Mom until she started going to school, then it became hard for her to explain to other children who I was and why she called me by my first name. Now she's in 1st grade and she calls me Mom at school, but at home I am still Wendee. I go out of my way to promote her relationship to with her biological mother so that neither of them will ever feel like I interrupted their relationship. We are a military family so we live overseas and her mother lives in the states. I help my daughter send emails and letters to her Mom and set up times for them to talk on Skype, webcam is a wonderful thing. I think that since I show interest in helping her stay connected with her Mom she doesn't feel like I try to take her place. I have yet to hear th phrase "You are not my Mom!" so hopefully I am doing something right. :-) Also, for those who have to deal with the real-mom's getting jealous and trying to take custody....helping to keep them connected really helped us out. We won custody and I immediately stepped in and started sending a ton of pictures and drawings to her and had her daughter call her on the phone any time he wanted too (sometimes I had to talk her into it). Her mom doesn't feel "threatened" anymore so we don't have to worry about her trying to fight for custody anytime my husband deploys.

Also I read some posts of step-moms who have rough relationships with your step-children. I have been through those too...sometimes she drives me crazy to the point that I don't even want to show affection to her anymore and I don't want to be around her. I feel the worst, most evil step mom in history cause I don't want to be around her. However, since I have had my own child and I feel the unconditional love that I have for my son, it reminds me that the relationship that I have with my step-daughter is far more precious. We don't have to love each other or get along, so its pretty amazing that we do....sometimes ;-)

[lou]

yujuan-I just had my first child, a son in august, and you're absolutely right that the love you feel for your own child makes you reflect on and changes your relationship with your stepchildren. I think that since having my own child i've bonded so much more with them. before it was really hard to love them as they simply put weren't mine. don't get me wrong here, we've gotten along very well from day one and I have always at least liked them and vise versa, but it was just so different then than it is now. it was really hard to love them and form a strong bond with them. I think having my own child, their brother, has just crossed all the bounderies that were once there. Before I was hesitant to give out hugs and smooches. any physical affection I showed them consisted of head rubs and tickle time or bedtime stories and the like. I felt that hugging them was just sort of crossing the line. Now that I've had my child it's as though I've taken on a new role in the house. I used to be just dad's girlfriend/fiance/wife or their friend. well friend isn't really the right word for it but step mom or motherly figure isn't quite right either. Now though I'm definately the mother of the house. their veiw of me and my role in the family has definately changed. I'm no longer just dad's wife, they now reffer to me as their step mom. they don't call me mom, they use my first name, but when telling their friends about me or refering to me they now say my stepmom.... instead of my dad's wife. the relationship between step parents and stepchildren is precious and amazing, almost more so than the love you have for your own children. you will always love your children unconditionally, but the relationship between step parents and step children is far more fragile, delicate, and it requires a lot of work. loving your own requires nothing at all, you just do.

[BlessedX5]

I need help as a new step-mom and I am not yet married to their dad!

My boyfriend and I have 5 combined children. Their ages are 8, 7, 6, 5, and 4. He shares 50% custody with mom, making the 8, 6 and 4 year old's lives difficult. While we understand that consistency is best, we are not getting that from mom. Mom's discipline is to let it go. The 8 year old is quickly turning into a bully. Some common phrases are "I hate you", "I'm going to hurt you" and "I don't want to be around you, you're stupid." At Dad's house, when this occurs- it is stopped and priviliges (sp?) are taken away. This then leads to a temper tantrum. HELP!!!

Dad has tried to sit down with mom but she thinks that the 8 year old boy needs medication. We both agree that he needs consistent discipline instead. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!

p.s. He has been tested for ADHD, ADD and other behavioral issues but was not diagnosed. The doctor tends to agree that consistency in discipline would solve the issue, not medication.

[cajuncat743]

the relationship between step parents and stepchildren is precious and amazing, almost more so than the love you have for your own children. you will always love your children unconditionally, but the relationship between step parents and step children is far more fragile, delicate, and it requires a lot of work. loving your own requires nothing at all, you just do.

That is the perfect way of putting it! You are so right! I also have experienced the deeping of my feelings for my stepdaughter since I gave birth to my first child. Before I had her, I cared about my stepdaughter, but I didn't have those maternal feelings for her. I didn't know how to love her like my own daughter because I didn't have one! I didn't know what those feelings were like. But now it has helped me bond with her and be more affectionate.