divorce? how do you know if you should?

[misstf]

everything seems good, but i just don't know if i love him anymore. there's a lot at stake as we have a lot together...kids, house, financial stability....so i don't want to make the wrong decision. but should i settle for a life with someone that i can just tolerate, or leave it all for the chance that there might be something better. i just don't know if i love him anymore. how do you know if it's time to walk away?

[IrishMom27]

before you make any harsh or rash decisions - seek out professional help - speak with a marriage counselor. the professional will be able to help you sort your feelings and help your husband understand why you feel the way you do. if either or both of you are not willing to work on the marriage, maybe it is time to walk away before feelings become negative.

[misstf]

yes i agree that i/we should seek out professional help, but it's just so expensive. we were actually seeing a marriage counselor about 2 years ago, and it's about $140/session, and at the end of it i really felt like i was checked out of the marriage. i don't know; my mom is also a counselor, but i don't know if she would be the right person to talk to as she might have her biases. and i'm scared to talk to my husband about it; just scared of saying something i can't take back. :-\

[IrishMom27]

there is a reason why doctors can't treat their own family members - they are too emotionally involved, so based on that, i would not involve your mother

$140 for a 45-60 minute session is quite reasonable (based on my working experience in the mental health field) - but if you don't have insurance that covers it - i can understand that financial burden.

talk to your husband - feelings are not wrong, but he can't understand where you are coming from if you don't open up. also, it sounds like you have already made a decision about divorce - you can always suggest a trial separation while still trying to go to as many counseling sessions as you can. just be sure to tell your therapist about the separation.

[joycelorelle]

The thing is, yes -- everything you say you can't take back. But he is the only person that can help you. He is the only other person invested in your marriage like you are...nobody else understands or knows the love that is/was between you. If you do decide to call it quits, don't you want to know that at the end of the day you did everything you could? Wouldn't it be worse to just spring that on him? Maybe he is feeling distant from you, too, and you just don't know it. It's hard and it's scary and it's the least fun thing in the world, but you have to talk to him. Cause it's either one of 2 things -- either it's worth doing the hard stuff for, or you will talk it out and figure that's not where you want to be. But you can't go up or down or stay the same without him. So talk to him! And good luck! Hard conversations are not easy to have...and at least every married couple I know myself included, didn't get resolution on the issue the day we had the conversation. My husband and I will talk, and when we walk away from it I feel like "well, that was completely pointless" but a couple days later, we have both had a chance to process what has been said and can return to it with a clear head. So....good luck!

[diaperdad]

You can't take back years of resentment and divorce. Your words might be difficult to say, and for him to hear, but they are heartfelt truth and you owe it to yourself to be honest.

Be honest, be sincere, be kind, be humble, be vulnerable. You are asking your partner for help.

[Caren Smith]

Boy, that is probably one of the toughest decisions to make as a parent as it isn't just about you and him anymore. The house, property, etc., while can be challenging, can be sorted out - it's just STUFF. Breaking up the family is a HUGE decision.

I absolutely agree with those above who felt you should seek a marriage counselor/therapist. As you mentioned, it can be very expensive and unfortunately, you don't get things resolved overnight.

I don't know if you belong to a church but you might be able to seek counsel from a minister/reverend/pastor/etc.. If you felt comfortable with the therapist you saw previously, perhaps contact him/her and ask if there was a sliding scale. Alot of towns have "Community Counseling" where you can get assistance with the fee based on your income.

Honestly, I think marriage is alot of work. Falling out of lust/love is easy - especially once children come along. Movies like the Twilight series make people re-evaluate their marriages because they don't feel that way any longer toward their spouse. We'd all like that "madly in love" with someone feeling all the time. The reality is that it just isn't that way.

There are self help books you can buy (look on Amazon) or go to a local library. Believe it or not, talking to your husband may surprise you. He might be feeling the same thing and with that knowledge, you might be able to figure out a way to reconnect together.

I feel for you and wish you the best of luck.

~ Hugs, Caren
www.SewDarnFabulous.com and www.MyScrapbookStudio.net

[pennyroyal]

theres never an easy solution to a situation like this, especially when kids are involved. honestly though, it isnt fair to anyone if you stay and just tolerate him through the relationship.. you deserve to be happy, and that happiness might very well be outside of your marriage. regardless, if regret is something that you worry about.. i suggest really weighing out the pros and cons of your relationship together. of course you dont want to break up the family and you dont want to put the kids through a bunch of heartache, but staying together in a loveless marriage is sometimes worse on the children. eventually they will start to pick up on the little things, and that can be very damaging to their idea of a healthy relationship, negatively affecting their own future relationships.
if you arent up for professional help, (you can get low to no income counseling if you cant afford it on your own..) then i would suggest sitting your husband down and explaining to him what you are feeling. that can show you a lot, about whether to stay or go, too. if you two care about eachother and are able to "get it back.." then he will be more than willing to want to fix whatever is making you feel the way that you are. based on how he reacts, you can find out if there is still something there to save or if it is time to move on and go your seperate ways. one thing that you have to always remember, however, is that settling is not an option if you want to be happy. its also not fair to you or your children. you have to talk about this situation with your husband and come to some type of agreement or solution. keeping it all in and letting time pass is only going to make things harder and more difficult, not to mention continue eating you up inside and turning you more and more resentful and bitter about your relationship. personally i think that this is a situation that you should address ASAP!!