baby staying with dad at strange house

[italksalot2u]

hello fellow single moms,

I have questions for my sister. she is 26 and has a 2yr old. Her and her soon to be x husband have a very thorough parenting agreement, fully agreed upon and then approved by court. She has full legal and physical custody and agreed he can have her whenever his time off of work allows. Sometimes recently he has been getting her 3 full days a week or more, our family thinks this is awesome. He is also carrying baby on insurance and after some hesitation has finally started to pay child support reluctantly.

In the past few months, his newest girlfriend has surfaced and my sister just finally got to meet her in person one day while she sat in car. She seems like a nice girl but, then she found out that he has not been living at his own house but, has been taking the baby to his girlfriends house and sleeping over while he has the baby.

She'd like to have grown up conversation with him about her issues with baby staying in a strange house BUT his argument is she's never questioned his parenting before, so why is she not trusting him now. He thinks it's way too soon to get to know the new girlfriend and doesn't want the women to meet each other, nor wants my sister to see his girlfriends house/apt. or meet the roommate with 5yr old and 7yr old?? that the baby bunks with when she sleeps over.

MY advice to her is..in a nice way explain to him it's not mis-trust but she's concerned about where the baby is spending her time and would like to get to know this girlfriend a little, maybe get to know the other kids. I also told her to remind him that she's going to need to incorporate both of them into her 2yr olds life and everyone will need to be on same schedules with her.

It's sounding to me like he doesn't want to cooperate with her at all. So i mentioned that she can throw in there, since she has full custody she does have the right to tell him he's not allowed to take her there but this will cause a major battle and she's trying not to be the bad guy.

They've tried so hard to be civil and I am proud for both of them for making great attempts at communication but, on this one I am agreeing with her. I am not a mother, but if it were my baby...I would always want to KNOW where my child is at all times. Please let us know if you are the same situation and/or can offer advice.

[aporthetalk]

You are absolutely right. Your sister needs to know where her child is at all times and what will be influenceing her. Be it, what she might see on TV or who she might be coming in contact with (child or adult), or situations she might see unfolding in front of her. She is very fortunate to have some sort of real cooperation in there relationship. She should absolutely continue to seek to know what's going on with her daughter. Call her a helicopter mom or a witch, she must know. Good Luck!

[diaperdad]

Does your sister let her child's father know where the baby is at all times and what is influencing her when she has the child? If not, then you are setting a double standard.

I would explain it as wanting the daughter to have both parents as involved as possible in the child's life. (That means she will have to bring dad up to speed if she hasn't been doing that). Maybe she could suggest a day at the park or something where everyone (mom,dad, daughter, gf, roommate, kids) could get together and play together.

I wouldn't mention the custody agreement, it is a last resort. Bringing it up will destroy any trust and good will. Dad is probably feeling like mom is second guessing his parenting (which she is). He is probably on the defensive already and that needs to be defused.