guess I need some help

[speedlgt]

Hello to all the dads

I just joined mainly cause I needed a place to talk to other dads. Most all of my friends are non dads and I really cant feel they relate to what I have been dealing with as a father. I have 2 children 3yrs and 2yrs old and I love them but honestly sometimes I just cant stand to be around them. Before I had kids I really felt I was a pretty good human being but nowadays I kinda hate Myself. There are really great moments that we have as a family but then those moments pass and its just screaming crying and roller coaster of emotions and stuff that I have a hard time dealing with. I get fustrated to the point where I just crack. I dont hit anyone or cuss I just feel totally defeated. It makes me want to drink but that just makes me more depressed.

I get mad at my wife but I hold it all inside i never tell her anything. I cant help but feel that she should be the primary caregiver and I am basically support. But it feels like I do more or at the least am the equal caregiver. I wanna do less, I want more rest I am totally stressed I am in therpy but all he does is nod and say yes. I hate myself for feeling this way. When my children were babies I felt like the best dad in the world I did everything! and enjoyed it! I remember how much I loved feeding ym daughter at 430 in the morning but now I feel like a crap father and I hate being me.
any advice would help alot
Thanks to all and God bless!

[Flyingsky]

isn’t it ironic ? we ignore who adore us, adore who ignore us, and hurt who love us.


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[HappyTim]

Hi speedlgt,

As men, we tend to assume that strength involves bottling up our emotions. Let's face it, it's often easier to say nothing and hide it when we are upset rather than being forced to have an hour long conversation about our feelings with our partner. But bottling things up all the time can be dangerous, especially if we don't even admit how we feel to ourselves.

I'm glad to hear that you are in therapy for your depression, but you may need to find a different therapist who is a better fit for you. It sounds like you have more of an analyst, which is fine for some people, but I might seek out someone with more of a background in family therapy. I also think it is important for you to share some of your feelings with your partner in a constructive way. When you get mad at your wife take a moment to calm yourself and think about your feelings. Are you mad because of what she actually did, or are you feeling stressed out about work, or something else like money troubles? When talking to her it is helpful to phrase your statements like this "I feel angry when you ____ because it makes me feel ____". Try to talk to her about your negative feelings in a way that makes it clear that you love her and your family but are struggling. Avoid accusing her of things, merely talk about your feelings and discuss calmly what you two feel like the best way to fix things is.

Division of labor in a household is always tricky. If you both work outside the home it's probably best if you are equal caregivers, but if you are the only one who works it is reasonable to expect her to carry more of the load at home. However, you may be underestimating just how much she does in a day. I think it's important for you two to talk about what you expect your roles to be and figure out a plan you both think is fair.

You mention that none of your friends are dads, but it might be good for you to plan a time each week you can spend with your non-dad friends and get away from the house for a little while (it's good if your partner has the same thing with her friends). Having an evening where you don't have to be a dad and can just be a guy hanging out with his friends can do wonders for the soul and make your appreciate your family all the more.

[aporthetalk]

Hey speedlgt, let me first start out by saying CONGRADULATIONS for stepping up to the plate and being a dad! God Bless You! You have entered in to a a whole new world that yes your single friends really can't relate to. Now to give you any real advice without knowing your whole story is difficult but I'll try. I hope you and your wife have a good relationship, are on the same page as far as disciplining your children. And when I say discipline I don't nescesarily mean punishment, but do your children respond to you when you tell them what to do. Your kids can have fun but they need to know your authoriity, that you are in charge and when you tell them something that they listen and obey. You shouldn't be on that emotional rollercoaster, as long as you and your wife are in control of your kids. It will be far easier for you to make your authority known now while they are young, be consistent with that, and by the time it comes where they are going to high school and begining to drive, you could ease up a little if they are still good kids. This is a new part of life that you have entered, you are a parent now. You're right, drinking will absolutely not help you or any situation you get into, and those days of hanging out with your single friends will be few and far between if you want to be a good father, dad, parent, and I think that's what you want. There is so much to try and tell you, don't give up! Continue seeing your therapist, continue checking out the forums, you could contact me directly if you like. Good luck!