Discipline Help!

[Byuiso]

I need help on 2 fronts, one with the children and one with the mother.

I love my children but sometimes they just act downright bad an spoiled.

My 2 year old son being the worst of the 2. He likes to hit people, yell at people, bite people, throw stuff, or cry all day for not having a sox on his foot that he took off...

Despite everything he does, my wife does not believe in discipline, I grew up in a rough neighborhood of Florida.
I was disciplined, if I disrespected an adult, I got the belt.
If I spoke when other adults were spoken and interrupted them rudely I got the belt.
If I did not clean up after my messes, I got the belt.
If I hit another sibling I got the belt an had to have corner time.
If I was greedy with the few toys I had, I had them taken from me for a day.
If I cried for no reason, I was given a reason to cry.
So on and so forth.

Now I try and instill some of if not all of these parenting methods on my children.
I do not use the belt, but I have no problem with using my hand.
My fiance on the other hand does not believe in discipline, she is fine with our children being downright bad. She does not believe in hitting, time-outs, taking toys, or even talking to our children about how they shouldn't be doing bad things.
So our children do bad things which irritate me beyond belief. Our son will cry for no reason I will take something away from him, or put him in the room and when he is done he can come out. Or I will smack him when I believe he did something bad.
People do not believe in hitting children, and see it as abuse, I do not. I believe it works and will continue, I was hit as a child, I was abused beyond belief, so I know where abuse is and it isn't.
I was verbally and physically abused as a child, sometimes told the only reason I was living was for government checks...:P

My wife on the other hand thinks it is ok to blame someone else for something our son does, no matter what it is, she WILL NOT even try to talk to hm about what he did wrong. She will blame someone else or herself, to avoid telling our son what he did was wrong.
She won't even tell him to stop doing something wrong, like when he cried for her for no reason at all. She won't say anything to him about how he doesn't need to be crying about that kind of stuff. The only time she will is when I tell her to.

We have been arguing alot and she thinks I need to stop disciplining the children, I tell her hell no. I believe all children need to be disciplined and mine are no different.
She grew up rich, got everything she wanted, never was punished.
I grew up poor, never got anything, was punished when I did something wrong. I am proud I grew up like that because I believe I was taught the right way.

I feel like... I do not know, calling a Family Psychiatrist to talk to my wife about how it is ok to take toys away from the children, or put them in a room.
How do I make my wife see that discipline isn't bad... without her yelling about how she thinks a child should be allowed to do whatever they please...

I need advice because I am nearing my limits...

[cavilez]

I agree with you on most points. I have 3 boys in my household right now. 2 of them are my stepsons and 1 is my son from my first marriage. My stepson's mother also does not believe in having the boys take responsibility for their actions (she seeks to blame other people for their actions). This is because she would prefer to be a friend to them and not a mother. My oldest stepson (is now 11 years old), was in trouble for numerous things at school (when they lived with their mother) such as bringing a blade to school and stealing another child's Ipod! Let her know that she is not doing him any favors becasue in the future there will be situations in which bad behavior will not be tolerated (school for one). It is better for the children to learn what is and is not acceptable behavior when they are younger because when they get older, and act out in public situations, it will be very difficult for them to cope. It is better to learn these things that are vital to be able to function in society at a young age. If your children do not learn self control and that there are negative consequences for bad behavior, they could end up in prison one day! Also, as far as the type of discipline, I believe that other avenues should be approached before resorting to spanking. Some kids only learn from spanking and others respond to approaches that do not require being physical (time out, grounding, being punished in room, etc). Find what method that your child will respond to. If your fiancee is still resistant to disciplining your son, go to family counseling. Maybe if you sit down, with a neutral mediator, she will be more receptive to your concerns.

[Byuiso]

Well the thing that gets me, if I try to punish our son for doing something bad, she goes out of her way to disrespect me, and yells at me for taking action in our sons behavior.

She will let him play with toys I take from him, she will let him get out of time-out I set for him.
It's like she tries to undermine my authority with our children by not at all trying to instill any sort of discipline. I am worried that she is leading our son down the wrong path...
You know the path where he believes adults are jokes, and he can do whatever he wants when he wants.

She admits she is fine with our children being disrespectful and does not care, which I think is not the right way to parent our children. Then when it is obviously something they did wrong, she would rather blame me or his sister, or herself, or an object. I yell at her saying she can not continue with this but it does not get through to her...

It is trying my patience...

[Byuiso]

She says I need anger management because I storm out of the room, or whereever the deed is being done.
She says it is not mature, but I think the opposite, if she is going to allow our kids to be extremely disrespecting to adults, and flat out not care what they say, I do not want to see it. It is also hard because I work a lot, 16-18 hours a day, so her parents watch the kids and they also allow for this behavior.

She comes at me with excuses like location.
I was raised in the "ghetto" of Florida, where it is strict and what not.
She says she was raised in the "rich" parts of Saint Louis. It is not as strict where she is from.

Though I challenge her that what if I get a Family Counselor, to come over here and hear the story what is she going to do when and if they point out she is not raising the kids right? She says she will ignore everything they say because she doesn't care.

So I need anger management because she is refusing to take action in our childrens behavior.
She doesn't need Parenting classes about what she is doing is wrong, and even if someone does tell her what she is doing is wrong, she won't listen to them...

I have no idea what to do in this situation. She is not respecting me or her children, being a friend over a mother is not a good thing to me... She should be teaching them what is right and wrong, not do whatever they want and she just blames the world for our children acting up...

[Byuiso]

So as of late the problem has been progressing in a unfavorable way...

The son has gotten more mean with his sister, more disrespectful with his mother, and is trying to figure out how far he can get with me. The mother is of no help in the situation, she is showing clear signs of favoritism toward the son over the daughter.

For Christmas he is getting at least 7 more gifts than the daughter valuing at over 170$ on what we spent for our daughter. So as make up for that I will be taking my daughter to Disney World, just me and her.
My wife doesn't agree with it, but, I do not care what she says now. All she says is something to defend out son or give justification to why she treat him better than her.

He is not my biological son, but he doesn't know that. He is 2, I have been in his life since he was 6 months.
He is coming from a father who has a history of beating my wife when they were together, abusing her and what not..

Now on a daily basis, he looks for chances to hit his 5 year-old as much as he can, and his excuses are the same excuses my wife gives. So now he has found justification for his behavior and thinks it is ok, because my wife has 50 excuses for him on the spot.
I believe his abusive side could come inherently from his father who beat my wife.

So as backlash I have told our daughter, if he hits you, you hit him back wherever he hit you. So he has been hitting her so much, and finally she snapped and punched him in the arm.
He cried to my wife, and she went in giving our daughter the full Q&A, when our daughter has a big scratch on her cheek. I quickly went in for defense of our daughter and easily asked my wife, " Do you not see the big scratch bleeding from her cheek?".
My wife responds "So what?".

SERIOUSLY? So when he hits her or hurts her it is a so what? But when she defends herself you attempt to punish her? Clearly she does not like her daughter.

He now yells at my wife, and attempts to yell at me, but he will yell at me and then stare at me knowing he made a mistake.
He will yell at my wife or daughter saying "Shut up!", or "No! Leave me alone!" or "No I will hit you".

When he yells at me the furthest he goes is yelling No at me. Then he knows he made a mistake.

He lies on a consistent basis, daily, several times, or as much as he can. He will lie about taking stuff, hitting, yelling, needing to use the bathroom.

When he lies this obviously with no regard to what is right or wrong, or attempts to bull his mom and sister. I sit him in time out.

5 minutes staring at the wall, my wife does not agree with him being punished.

This is so stressful...