SAD SAM: Stressed, Angry and Depressed

[sunshine588]

Okay, I am at a loss of what to do, although I know the choices I have to make, its very hard to make them... and I am really just looking for some support!

A little background:
I am a young mom of 2, the catch...
I moved out of a awful situation between my parents and myself when I was 16. I got preg. at 17, married the guy I was with (the baby's father, 6 years older than me) because I thought it was the right thing.
I had my beautiful son, and I remember htinking when I got pregnant that it was just the best thing to ever happen to me, because finally somebody would love me unconditionally... thats what kids do right?! Pathetic I know, but that is there place I was in at the time...
Anyways, when my son was 4 months old, and i was working 2 full time jobs, to make ends meet, while my then-husband got to stay with my son for most of the day and worked evenings. I was burnt out, and tired of my MIL being the mom in my sons life. I had major post partum and was just done with it all, but I put on my happy face and my big girl panties, and did what a good wife and mom should. Until, about 3 months later, I was so depressed and stressed, and I was looking for somebody to talk to, I went to my parents, who we had reconnected with, and they said to stick with it, and continue doing what "I should", I had no friends, because the controlling jerk (then-husband) had pushed everyone out of my life. He had full control.
A month later he got fired from his job, so now while i worked endlessly never getting to enjoy time with my son, he sat home all day playing video games with my son on his lap. I had full resentment for him at this point, and had made up my mind it was time to leave, I had one friend to go to, and so I did...
I left my husband, and at that time, the best thing for my son was to be with him, because he had all the family support of daycare etc.

Since then, it has been a constant struggle for custody, the judge sided with him, and gave him sole custody, and flat out told me, he doesnt "have" to let me see him at all... so I should be happy with whatever I get. I have lost all faith in the justice system. There are mothers in jail who have one the right to have their child with them, custody granted to drug addicts, etc... but that is besides the point.

5 years later and I am in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years, and we have a beautiful little girl who is 18months. The problem is, that my ex-husband still has control... he has the court on his side for whatever reason, and has issued a non-contact order for my boyfriend with my son, causing a riff in my family. On top of that he has limited my visitation from what used to be every weekend, to every other Sunday at my parents house (because he is not allowed at mine) and 1 hour 1 evening a week. He has also required that it be supervised so that he knows my boyfriend was not present or had no contact.
It has been hell, on top of the perameters being unjustified, my parents, the judgemental opinionated beings they are have made it so uncomfortable to be around them, that I can barely talk to them without feeling my blood pressure rise.
I love my son dearly but he has taken on his father's characteristics of being rude liar with attitude, and controlling. It is hard to deal with him, especially with the limited time, he doesnt respect me as his mom, so doesnt even listen, and at the end of the visit is just as happy to leave as he was to come there, like it doesnt even matter. And most recently has treated my daughter, who I take to the visits, rudely as well.

The stress of this situation has wrecked me over the last 6 months. It has put up major walls in my relationship with my parents, it has caused fights often with my boyfriend, created resentment towards my son... and has made me physically ill. I am literally worried that I cannot keep this up for long, or I will lose everything.

My choices are:

Deal with it, and try to stay positive, but nobody can fully understand the facts leading to the conclusion that this situation will never change. I will always have a split family, scheduling around others, causing so much stress that when it comes down to it, I hardly look forward to the visit.

-OR-

Walk away, in hopes that one day when he is older he will understand the circumstances (as I did with my real mom... whom I have a wonderful relationship with now). Dealing with the judgements of people, and realizing that it will be okay, preserving my life, and finally living for me and my happiness, instead of trying to do whatever people say I "shoud" do...

I know that alot of people will disagree and think how could she walk away from her son, but its not simply that easy.. its not choosing a child over a boyfriend... its choosing another child and a sound family over whatever this is called that has been my life the last 6 months and would be +worse for the rest of it.

I am just looking for some support, i am lost, stressed, angry and depressed.

Thanks, Sam

[farrellsstyles]

Hello Sam,
It's so hard to walk away! I'm so glad for you that you've had a little girl & a new man that is willing to be there for you!

You said that life wasn't always easy for you with your mom! But now your great friends..

That will happen with your son too! (your EX) won't win.. Don't let him..
Keep bein a great mommy to your little girl & the court will see that he's just not right.

Sometimes stoping the pain isn't stopping loving!

It's not good for your son to see fighting. And when he's older he will agree..
He's always going to need a mom & when he needs you you'll be there!

work on you cause if your not here you can't help anyone!
So sorry your going thru this..
Thank you for not just givin up, this is a bad situation!

I'm not really a church going person but I had to start praying because after I had my baby I watched my grandpa die (my best friend) by my self & then got sick & lost my job after 10years.
So now I'm tryen to figure life out all over again! Prayen gets me out of bed. And my tiny loves me as yours do unconditionally even though they don't asways show it. (mine just started having screaming fits). But If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been able to email you I wouldn't be here.
I'm not sure what to call it God a Higher Power a something that is stronger then us..
There's a plan we just DON'T SEE IT YET!
At the least that's what I'm hoping
I want to be a good mom I try everyday! Somedays are harder then others, don't give up I haven't.
What can't kill ya makes you stronger! & pls remind me the same.. Thank you for talking~

[Newmom!]

I can't imagine walking away, on the other hand I can't imagine being in such a tough situation either.

My only perspective is as a teacher of a child whose dad wasn't really involved. He was preschool age. One day he was supposed to have his dad come visit. He sat on the front step for hours waiting. His dad never showed up. That absolutely devistated him. He saw his half sibiling's dad involved and felt left out (he wan't, but he didn't have his own dad either). He now (2nd grade) has a variety of emotional and anger issues, in large part due to dad essentially just "dropping" him.

All this to say, make sure you are there for your son (as best as you can be given dad and courts). Maybe talk to your son on your next visitation. Ask him if he would like to keep seeing you a few times a month, or if he would like it to be less or more. (If he says more, not sure what you can do other than both of you talk to his dad).

What ever you decide to do, keep in regular touch at least through letters, cards, phone calls, etc. He needs to know you still care about him even if you don't see each other. And give him the option to start seeing you again if he wants to.

One other thing that might make this easier, ask for the visitations to be in a different location, other than your parent's home. Maybe the library, or a park (in the summer), etc. That might help things too, to be away from your parent's "judgement".