Daycare Child is a TERROR!

[DaycareMommy]

To give some background into me, I have worked in public daycare for over 10 years, and 2 years ago I became a SAHM. I LOVE kids!

Last year one of my husbands co-workers (college education instructor) asked me to do daycare for her (now 2 1/2 year old) boy during the school year since I was at home with my own son(now almost 2) already. I agreed, and so began a very exhausting 9 months of daycare. I also began watching an infant about 3 months into it. The older boy has always been somewhat of a "intense" child. Whenever we would transition into different activities during the day, he would have meltdowns. I am not talking about simple tantrums here, I am talking NUCLEAR screaming, crying, angry meltdowns all day long. I thought it would get better as time went by, but it really didn't. He began to physically hurt my son by hitting and kicking him regularly. I would talk to him about this (and to his mom) and put him in time outs every time he would act out, trying every method I could imagine being firm, and loving. I came to loathe watching him everyday. Simple things like watching a Mickey Mouse episode on tv would turn into chaos when the show would end and another would begin. Or, if the mailman rang the doorbell to deliver a package, or a friend stopped by to drop something off he would literally run around my livingroom screaming bloody murder until the person was gone. I was afraid of what my child would learn from his behavior.
Towards the end of the school year I told her that I had decided to stop doing daycare, so we finished out the final days of spring term and I was free!

Well, a couple weeks ago I found out that she was having a difficult time finding another daycare provider. She had a few lines up, and they decided not to watch him. I felt guilty, like it was my responsibility to help her, so I just started watching him again yesterday. I thought that MAYBE he had changed over the last 3 months. He hasn't, and the last two days have been a NIGHTMARE! What should I do!?

[Newmom!]

I think it was appropriate for you to ask her to find another place. If you were a large center, then I would feel differently because you would have some resources to support you and other role models for the children.

However, I do wonder about his behavior, and maybe he needs some interventions. I would refer the mom to your city's Birth-Three program. Every state has one. It is generally run by either Health and Welfare or the school district. Basically it is like Special Education, and behavior/social skills can be specifically targeted for interventions, even if they are academically where they need to be. The program would evalutate him using a variety of assessments in the social/behvior area. If he is found to be significantly lacking the skills he should have at his age they will (most likely, as this is how it works in my state) send a child development specialist to his house to work with him and teach him the skills he needs to cope. When he turns 3 (in most states) he will be offered to attend a preschool program (if he continues to show a need). These programs are FREE - the earlier children recieve needed intervention the less they will probably need it when they go to school.

To help turn mom onto the idea of having her son evaluated, I'd find out exactly who to call and give her that specific information (your doctor office might have the info, or call Health and Welfare and/or the school district main office to find out).

Let her know it's free, he might get free preschool (that might be an incentive right there for her ) and that it should help him, so when he becomes kindergarten age he is more likely to be able to be in the classroom with his classmates, rather than be pulled out due to behaviors (and if he still has similar lack of social skills in kindergarten, he'll be evaluated for special education anyway, may as well give him a head start now so he'll need fewer, if any, interventions when he is school age.)

If mom does not want to have him evaluated, or he doesn't show enough need for support and intervention to qualify, or simply in the meantime, I would look into courses on parenting the difficult child. I really like the overall program of Love and Logic - and there are a lot of positive methods for helping to teach a child the skills they need.

Also, instead of time outs or other punative methods, I'd try more positive approaches. Before you turn on the TV, remind him he gets to watch one show then the TV will turn off, then set a timer to correspond with the end of the program so he can see how much time is left. Give him warnings towards the end of the show that it is almost time to turn off the tv. Give him the choice to turn it off himself with the remote or on the tv itself.

Basically, prepare him for what is going to happen, how he is expected to behave, acknowledge his feelings ("I know you don't like strangers here. When a stranger comes into the house, you can go play in the other room with a toy until they leave. That way you don't have to see them" - or whatever similar will work in your situation).

When he hurts your son, pull him away so he isn't able to hurt your son, but then talk with them both, figure out the situation, then have them role play (with you telling them what to say and do) a proper way to solve the situation. Ex: "You want the car that Jimmy is playing with, ask him for the car, he might say "yes" he might say "no". Say "Car please"". Then help your son respond approrpaitey "here" or "mine". Then help the daycare child by saying "you said please and he said yes! your words help!" or "He said he is playing with it, he will give it to you when he is done. It is hard to wait, but we can do it. Let's play with X while we wait" - You might need to simplfy the langauge more. If your son says no, then, at first as the daycare child is learning, convince your son to give up his toy sooner than later. That way daycare child learns that he can wait and play with something else, and then he will get what he wants. If you make him wait too long you'll get a meltdown instead of a lesson learned. When he does get the toy he wants say "Look, you waited and now you have the toy! Great Waiting!"

I hope this gives you some ideas. I really thing the child may need some sort of intervention. He may or may not have an official disability - that doesn't matter. What he needs is someone who is trained in doing what I have posted here, and more to help him learn the skills he needs. Good luck.

PS - one other incentive of getting mom to evaluate him, let her know you will only continue to sit for him if she has him evaluated by a certain date.

[DaycareMommy]

Thank you so much for your insight! I was not aware that the programs you mentioned existed! I will get the information today. I am a little bit nervous about it, because I am afraid she will take personal offense at my suggestion.

I know for sure that this child has trouble with anxiety. His mom says that he screams every single time he is in the family car, whenever they go anywhere. Even the 4 miles it takes to get to and from my home each day. Because of this they decided not to take him ANYWHERE unless they have to. Last year at my son's 1st birthday party she informed me that it was the very first time they had taken their son to a restaurant OR even to a birthday party! (at 20 months old!) He is never around any other children because they keep him home all the time.

The ideas you have written about here are all ideas I have tried throughout the past year with him, and haven't noticed any positive changes. For example, the "time outs" are more of a "cooling off" for him. I call them "think time". He likes to be in "think time" because I think he feels safe up in the high chair. He screams if my son even starts walking towards him. I try to explain that "B just wants to say hi to you! He is so happy that you are here, and he wants to play with you!" But when I am doing this he just screams louder and yells NO! and simply cannot handle it. This happens ALL day long. I would think that after one year he would have developed somewhat of a bond with my son, but he hasn't. I have honestly tried everything I could. Even doing research, and attempting numerous ideas. For me, the hardest part will be having to tell this mother that I won't be able to care for her son any longer. The only reason I have watched him for this long is because I felt responsible to help her because she is my husbands co-worker.

Aside from all of this, she only pays me $4.00 per hour. (it was $3.50 all last year) I wasn't doing it for money, as my husband and I are financially secure, I just wanted to help her and give her child a warm loving place to be everyday. I truly thought that I could help her son with whatever it is that he is going through. It pains me everyday to see him struggle.