I don't know if I should have kids

[KatyC]

I'm 26 and my boyfriend is in his 30s. He wants to have kids in about 1 year and I don't know if I will be ready.

I'm still in school and will be for 2-3 more years. I had not thought that having kids would be an issue until I was in my 30s at the earliest. But he seems to think sooner is better. He is right in terms of fertility/health reasons, and I also have the most flexible schedule I will ever have for the next 2-3 years while still in school. After I graduate and have a job I will not have the kind of flexibility I have now.

He makes plenty of money, and we are both young and healthy, so for all logical reasons it seems like we should do this in the next 2-3 years. And he wants it so badly.

But I do not have that biological clock feeling that women talk about. I love kids and am good with them but I don't feel any kind of internal pull to have them right now. I thought when I got older maybe that would kick in.

If there is any advice from you parents out there I'd appreciate it.

[Newmom!]

I have always wanted children and lots of them - but I also really wanted to build a solid relationship with my husband, and simply wanted to feel ready for children.

After being married for 5 years, when I was 28 I realized I was finally ready to have children - not sure what changed - I was just ready. We still waited almost a year, in order to "time it" with my work schedule and other stuff.

I had my baby at 29 (1 week before my 30th birthday) and am so glad I waited to have children. My husband and I have a great relationship with wonderful communication. We talked a lot about how we wish to raise our children, what our discipline strategies would be, etc long before we had children (partly because I specialize in child development - so it just came up in conversations). After having my son, I found out I cannot function wthout a proper amount of sleep, something you don't get with an infant (and our son did not sleep through the night until over a year old). My husband also felt like he had to "drop his life" in order to care for our son with me. All of this got better and we are looking forward to our second child now (even though we know it's going to get hard again for a bit). As hard as it was to become a parent, I think it would be so much harder if we were only so-so about becoming parents - instead of eagerly planning it.

So, the long of the short of it is, make sure you feel ready. Even if you circumstances are "perfect" if you are not ready, it is not a good time.

Also, if you are taking a full load of classes, a newborn will be hard to care for. You can do it if needed, but it is a challenge (I knew new parents when going to school, lots of work). Consider evaluating your finances - if you and your boyfriend cut back on unecessary expences, you might be able to build up a good amount of savings and/or be able to live on just his income. That would give you the flexibility to stay home with your children if you want (I highly recommend it, for at least the first year if you can manage it). But to do that, waiting a few more years might make more sence.

Keep your mind open, if in a year you feel ready, then start trying to concieve, but if you still don't feel ready for kids, then don't have them yet. Be sure to let your boyfriend know how you feel so he isn't "shocked" if you don't want to start planning. Best of luck, you need to do what is best for you and your boyfriend, not just what he wants.

[HappyTim]

If finishing your education is more important to you than having children, I strongly urge you to wait until you are finishing up school before getting pregnant. I saw more than one classmate in graduate school get pregnant and end up not coming back after giving birth. The difference in terms of fertility between 26 and 28 is not that giant. If you want 4 kids you might want to start soon, but for two or even three, starting at 28 or 29 gives you plenty of time. Obviously this is something for you and your partner to decide together, but my feeling is waiting a little longer isn't going to hurt anyone.

[carolinaw]

Talk with your boyfriend that you should finish your school first or it is more stressful for you to give consideration to both your school and the baby. Although he earn much wages but you have to keep your proud of study. Every decission is based on communication wit your partner. Good luck

[Muumitroll]

I didn't feel ready to become a mom in my 20s or even 30s, as I was busy with living my own life - getting my career going, traveling the world, having fun. In the process I also got divorced and had couple of relatively short-lived but otherwise good relationships. Had I given in to the pressure by my exes and the society, I'd now be either a single mother (I honestly don't know how they manage!) or I would have stayed/gotten married for the sake of the child - and have felt miserable and trapped... My fiance and i have now been together for 11 years, we have a very solid and mature relationship/partnership - and we are expecting a son in the end of May/beginning of June. I am so glad we waited until we both felt truly ready, as I know that having more life experience and being financially stable will make us a whole lot better and smarter parents than I/ we would have been earlier. So yes, I am 41 now (SO is 35), we are both fit and healthy, had no issues with conceiving (we both also agreed that adoption is a very viable option should we have trouble with TTC), the pregnancy has been easy-peasy with no unpleasant "side effects", every prenatal test has come back completely normal - and our son will have 2 very loving and caring parents who will never feel that we had to sacrifice our own youths and opportunities. Everyone is different, of course, but making a conscious decision to wait worked out well for us.

[pennyroyal]

theres nothing wrong with wanting to wait until you finish school. however, waiting until you feel 100% ready to be a parent might become an issue. everybody says that they want to wait until the time is right, or until theyre ready. but really, is anyone ever really ready? to me, it seems like theres always going to be something that has the potential to hold you back. also, your boyfriends wants & needs are important too. you two deffinitely need to sit down and talk about the situation.. if he is anxious to establish a family with you, you dont want to leave him hanging as to the reasons you dont want to have kids right now. he might start feeling like you dont want to have kids with him at all!
just keep in mind that you might not ever feel like you're completely ready. however, when you hold your baby in your arms for the very first time, everything around you seems to stand still and any doubts or worries you may have had simply fall into place.