10 yr old son doesn't listen!

[jenneyes]

Hi Everyone! I'm new here so bare with me. I have tried other parenting forums and have yet to find one that I felt comfortable with so I hope I will find myself at home here. Ok, now I will try and shorthand my situation so I can get to the latest issues but feel free to ask questions any time.

I'm a single mom. I was married for 5 years and had my daughter who is 22 now and my son who is 17. Due to domestic violence I divorced him and left when my kids were 7 & 2. A few years later I met my youngest sons dad and we were together for 8 years but never married. He is 10 years old now. The issue I'm having is with my
youngest and how he just doesn't listen to anything I say. During the school season he would stay with his dad except on weekends. I picked him up from school everyday and when his dad got off work he picked him up. See my ex always gives him what he wants. I don't care if it's 10pm and he asks for an ice cream, his dad will go get him one! That is just one example....there are plenty of issues like that. I believe that he has to earn certain things and therefore I do not give in. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. This is a huge issue now since he is with me all summer. The other day,for instance, I had asked my son to get in the shower 5x before going in his room[ and taking the controller to his PS3 he was playing with and threw it against the wall and broke it. I know that was soooo wrong of me to do and I later explained to my son that even grown ups don't always make the best decisions. Anyway to make a long story short...I told his dad what happened and that our son understood why I got so upset and he also understood that I would not replace his controller until I could see that he is doing his chores and not giving me a hard time about it. His dad even told me that he would back me up on it. Then the other day he called me to let me know that he went and got him another controller and said that I will need to pay him back for it. How do I get this guy to see what he is doing to our son!! He is turning out to be a spoiled brat and it's only getting worse.

[single mama of 2]

Hello Jenneyes,

I know that a child having parents at 2 different locations can be tough enough, but when those two parents have 2 different ideas of parenting it is even tougher. Children need consistency. They also need rules and they need to know that when they break those rules that there are consequences. I think you have the right idea but then of course you end up looking like the villian and Dad of course looks like the hero. You need to sit down with Dad and have a serious conversation with him. You need to help him see that the way he is raising his son is not going to help him in the long run when he grows up to become an adult. He needs to learn these lessons now because believe me your son knows that he can play mom and dad against each other. Parents need to back each other up. Point blank period. You and he need to show a united front for your son's sake. But if dad still doesn't want to bend then keep enforcing your rules and be firm with your son even if that makes you look like the bad guy. Believe me your son will have more respect for you in the long run. Hope everything works out.

[pfitz123]

Wow. This sounds very familiar. My son just turned 13. He's an only child. My Ex moved far-far out of state so only sees him on school breaks. My Ex and I are not on the same page where parenting is concerned & just recently I had signed an agreement with my son that if I bought him a video game he desperately wanted, he would eat 5 fruits/week and eggs once/week. He didn't and I took the game away. My Ex and/or his mother wanted me to give it back but I held my ground. They proceeded to buy him the same game!

He knows that, in general, Dad will buy him whatever Mom won't and that makes me so angry. It undermines my authority. I know I'm a good mother, but his parenting values are all about making the child happy. I love seeing my son happy but realize that the more imporant thing is to prepare him for aduluthood in the world today.

About 5 weeks before the above scenario, my son's iPod Touch malfunctioned and he called his dad. My son found a replacement on eBay and my Ex gave him his credit card # to buy a new one, even though he knew our son wasn't doing well in school. He never consulted me.

So there's one similarity, but the other similarity is that I can't get my son to do what I want for years. It's been incredibly stressfull for me since I have my son 24/7 for weeks/months at a time without a break. For example, since my son was at least 3 or 4, he knows hat he must brush teeth before bed but at 13 he still doesn't do it!! I still have to smell his breath to prove he did it or listen for the running water!! I've had a hard time with my son studying as well. If I didn't know there was a test then my son didn't study. Everything had to be forced by me.

Long story short because I'm running out of time, I'm suspecting my son has ADHD, without the H! No teacher ever suspected because he's not hyper or "way out there", (plus he went to Catholic school) but as a parent and knowing from the mothers how the other boys in his class were more responsible with school work, I had him evaluted by a psycholgist one year ago. He said he did NOT have ADD or learning disabilty but I am now questioning his evaluation method/tests after speaking with my cousin/special ed teacher & mother of ADD college student who never took meds.

My son just completed 7th grade and by the end of the year my BF (who has lived with us for 2 years & just got his Master's in Special Education, helped my son's school work) started thinking he really does have a form of ADD. I talked to co-workers and am researching the issue.

This is getting too long & I have to sign off, but I have gotten so frustrated at working full-time & the stress in parenting my son that I had to take desperate measures. Due to my Ex not supporting me, I let him stay with his father the entire summer and am using the time to research these issues (like being on this message board) and doing big big, boring paperwork projects in the house that being a full-time mom didn't allow me to get to. I have credit card accounts (with no balance) that are unknowingly charging me annual fees because I haven't opened my junk mail due to school-year work.

I am sorry for being so long. Caroline P.S. I know about wanting to throw things against the wall! We should talk if I ever have time again! lol

[Cracker1]

Ok, the worst outcome of domestic violence is that, the people involved in it become to scared to punish their children. I would never ask my daughter 5 times to do anything. When she was young if I said it 3 times. It was enforced. Usually with a spanking. 1 swat with hand or belt. Now I ask once, she's 14. I almost never have to remind her a second time and I never get to a third. Nor do I let her finish something then do what i say. Your playing a game? Pause and do what i said. Can't pause? Don't care. My request overrides anything else.

A spanking is not a beating. In domestic violence, you and/or the child is getting brutally abused both mentally and physically, causing damage. A spanking is swats, on the butt only which stings only no matter how hard you swing, at best you might get a top of the skin bruise. Let me guess, you broke the controller, then got scared cause you got out of control like your abuser used to. If you'd have taken a second to cool down, you probably would have just shut off the game right. It's called testing the limits, the child tested you and you failed. If the child gets daddy to buy a new controller, then put the system away. Don't let him take it to daddies. If daddy bought it, tell him to keep it there. If the child says you can't it's mine. CHILDREN DON'T OWN ANYTHING.

Now as far as the dads. They are morons, trying to buy their childrens love, and you are trying to earn it. With children, they won't realize the easy way is bad till they mature enough.

I am a Dad. But I guarentee if my ex-wife was around and trying this crap. She would be having a bad, bad time. My daughter doesn't doubt for a second i love her. I stopped spanking her at 12. She has her stuff and I have mine, but doesn't think for 1 second that there is anything I can't take away from her. I've seen what happens when parents try to buy there childrens affection, my sisters and her ex are doing a similar dance. He was abusive too.

I'd have to know the whole situation to really be specific in helping, but I do know that the only way your going to get anything accomplished is by standing up for yourself and your child. You did it when you left your husband, and you can do it again.

[ChandlerBing]

I am an anti-spanking dad! Because I really don't get the picture why other parents spank their kids. This is how I discipline them: when its only minor problem I talk to them and we sort solutions to solve it, BUT if its a major problem like really in deep trouble then I send them of to community service or summer youth camp. That's how I discipline me kids. You see, its not about hurting them so that they will learn it should be showing them what will happen if your in this situation. Trust me, they will learn and they will be thankful of the blessing they are receiving from you.

[aporthetalk]

Ya, that's the only way, the only way. Your ex has got to step up, it will eventually be the same for him. There is only so long that buying the kid stuff will work, unless he is very wealthy, and then it will still only delay the inevitable of the kid rebeling out this fantasy world of getting whatever he wants when he wants. You both have to be on the same page.