Me and my woman were sexually very active up until few days before our new baby. There are a few things that I should mention before going on, I have a daughter that we are taking care of and I cheated twice with the mother of my first child when she was still living with me. We were separated and I was seeing my new lady, but we were separated for several weeks and sometimes months while my ex looked for a place to stay or decide if she is going back home to her parents.
My woman has an infection for a week or so from a birth cut and had one of those pains on the nipple from breastfeeding, we found support and took care of them together. We did not have the time or energy to think about sex and anything related. It was one day at a time, packing her stuff because she was moving to my place also took more time and energy.
I knew that sex would be out the table for weeks but weeks ended and here I am two months later. I try to talk to her about sex and how she could be there for me, I do not try to think about or feel the need for sex, but it is a topic not to be talked about. She will mention that my need for sex scares her then mentioning what I did two years ago, this forces me to hide and take care of my needs. I want her to be apart of it, I do not want and have no need to look elsewhere for physical pleasure. It would be nice if she could use other parts of her body to be involved or at least touch me, but here I am in front a PC thinking I could be with her. She knows that she is pretty and sexy, I tell her and show it to her, I make sure she feels it. Then again, shower, masturbation, sleeping is darn so lonely. She just started holding me, this is a huge step because it was gone, she would not even kiss me to enjoy it, they were just kisses to get it over with. French kissing was off, she was blocking it. She says she loves me more since the birth and shares some nice words...
But the whole point it, I am alone here and without my woman showing any form of physical interest. She once gave me a blowjob/handjob a month ago and thanked me for initiating. Then much later I tried again, she ignored me while again and I was doing the work on myself while touching her, I stopped. It was embarrassing, I tried again and with no good result. I want to share this with her because I want it with her, but she is not open to it. I hope this helps some women out here and maybe some men knowing they are not alone.
She is getting all kinds of support from me, emotional, financial, baby, cooking, cleaning, resting , etc. And I want my needs taken care of but they are not allowed to be talked about most of the time. I assure her that I do not want someone else, but then she blocks me from talking about how she can support me...
We tried to make love a few days ago when I convinced her to try, then stopped within minutes because it hurt her, no other attempts has been made. This was a big event and I am very happy that we did.
She is allowed to talk against my mother, about the time I cheated, about my town, about our food but she does not want to talk about how to support me.
This post is becoming my "get it all out trash" but it should get some attention and hopefully some helpful support, maybe make some of you understand how difficult it is to some men. My desires for her are there at full capacity, my need for sexual satisfaction is there at full capacity but she is alone getting the support and understanding. I did not give birth but I am going through this with her, what do I do? Do I try to talk again without getting her defensive and turning this around blaming me for my desires?
Small mentions, this situation has me worried that she may not be sexually attracted to me and might have thoughts of finding another man to help her, maybe I am not the man she wants to be involved with, etc. This puts me at the same stop light as an awesome and supportive roommate/friend.
Sounds to me you're making too much of a big deal about sex around her. How about turning it down a notch and just try having fun together. For starters, you said she's sexy. How about you? Are you fit and desirable to her? If so, then we got that out of the way at least. Not saying that's all there is to it but sex is more fun when you're in shape. Women of course want more than that. They want to get in the mood. You doing that for her without making it obvious you're looking for sex? Do you woo her any? Are you just sweet to her without expectations (of sex)? Do you make it nice to be around you? Look good, smell good? Tease and play around with her? Are you guys fun together, make her laugh? How about not trying so hard to have sex? Just play without any expectations. Build it and they will come you know what I mean? Maybe you're anoying her with your relentless sexual advances and that turns her off. Try not being so.
I'm skeptical that the minor surgery (episiotomy I assume) and her breast problem were enought to turn her off from being intimate with you. Something else is causing it I think. Need to try and find out what.
Most women reach orgasim with a vibrator way easier than with a penis. I suspect she has a vibrator and uses it although maybe she's not comfortable using it with you. She shouldn't be and you shouldn't hide doing it yourself. Do it with her, watching her do it to herself maybe. But sounds like the both of you are prudish, embarrassed about your own sexuality. Don't be. Express to her what you like and let her express what she likes. You mentioned B.J. How about you, her? Some men don't want to or don't do it well. You guys have that problem? Asks her what she wants. Find out. Grow comfortable together with each other's sexuality. That's part of a healthy marriage. Can she watch you watching porn getting off? Is that too embarrassing for the both of you? Try not leting it be so. Some women are offended by their guy watching porn however and so they do it privately anyway which causes a genuine problem (the secrecy). Why not then just share it together if that's what he likes as long as it doesn't become excessive? Is it embarrassing for you to watch her use a vibrator? Try letting it not be. It's healthy to be that way. Talk about it more. Laura Berman is well-known as a sex therapist. I like her. Try finding out about her. She has a movie on NetFlic, "Sexual Healing". Look it up.
However if you two can't talk about it, can't grow comfortable in each other's sexual skin, or if there are other problems in your marriage, thay maybe a counselor could help you.
Last edited by theoneman; 06-05-2011 at 08:47 AM.
I am beset by the ironies in my life.
One of the first things my OBGYN said to me at my first post-partum appointment was no sex for 6 weeks. My husband and I looked at each other and laughed because we were so far away from wanting to accidentally get pregnant at that time (from lack of sleep and all that it takes to care for a newborn). I also had an episiotomy and a pretty big tear, so I was uncomfortable down there for a long time. Sex was the last thing on my mind when I was dealing with so many other things. Breastfeeding, breast pumps, feeding schedules, no sleep, laundry, diapers, trying to decide if that tiny fever is just a little cold or something worse - add to that the regular stuff in life we had going on before our new baby came into the world....you've been through it so I'm sure you understand. If this is her first child, try and remember this is all new to her, and probably a bit overwhelming.
I would suggest when you do go for it, use a good lubricant. She may have some scarring down there that can get rubbed and irritated. Heck, she could be afraid that you won't want her as much once you've had sex. We women can be terrified at what changed down there when we gave birth. Not to mention, sometimes women can feel very un-sexy when carrying extra baby weight. Even if it is a few pounds. Also, try and remember her body is a hormonal roller coaster right now as all those pregnancy hormones are returning back to normal. This does effect things like moods and sex drive.
Bottom line, it probably has nothing to do with you. I would take the other's suggestions and start by letting her know you are ready when she is ready, tell her she can trust you and you won't repeat your past mistakes and SHOW her these things by being kind, helping out and supporting her in this new chapter of her life as much as you can. Snuggles, back rubs, hugs and kind words can spark her when you least expect it. I'm sure you'll be back in the game soon.