We have two girls 3 &1 yrs old and I am losing all my patience with my girls. I'm a stay at home mom that pretty much does nothing but that, stay home and take care of house and family. I love my family but they are starting to drive me nuts (mainly my 3yr old and man) Everytime I turn around one of them needs me for something.. I never go out with my friends or even go to the grocery store alone. Hell to be 100% honost I cant go to the bathroom in peace. Ive told my fiance over and over but he never wants to go out with me while my mom watches the girls he always has an excuse. Whenever he is home He can sit out in the geroge for hours and my girls will not even notice that he is gone, where as If I even so much as walk up to the door, both girls start crying n throwing fits. I would just tell him that I was going out and go but lately he has been stressing alot about work and how much money he is bringing home. It got pretty bad for a while, he was almost in full on depression. Ive tried telling him I need help but I never get it..I dont understand why he wont help me he knows they are driving me crazy! Ive tried talking, yelling, crying to him about it. hell, I even wrote him a letter..(that he later told me he never even botherd to read) When he finally jumps up cause I start yelling at him, he instantly gets irritated n mad then gets short with the girls. Then I start feeling bad cause I always thought I was gonna be a way better mom I thought I would have more patience.... but then again I always thought That having kids was going to be a 50/50 thing between mom AND dad.
You realize how often that 50/50 thing doesn't happen in real life? 99/100 maybe? Someone correct me if I'm wrong. And what, he's going to be a step-dad? Maybe though I read that wrong. They just don't get it, that is until they are much older. He needs help to see straight. No way he'd agree to go to (family) counceling right? I mean that's just too sissy and all for a man and stuff right? After all his friends and family might find out and think he's weak. How ironic. Poor little girls. Tell him an old guy told you he will very much regret that one day and we'll be waiting for him.
But it sounds like he doesn't want to be with you. If he does, then I believe he should learn to see straight.
Last edited by theoneman; 05-07-2011 at 10:01 AM.
no hes not gonna be a step dad, both girls are his n we are not expecting. You are right he will not go to counceling. Ive tried telling him that he is missing out on the girls bn this little. because I know when they are 15 n 16 we will be wishing/praying for the days when they were babies to come back. I know it doesnt seem like he wants to be with me I can see that but I dont know what to do I feel like if something happened and we split, He wouldnt have anything to do with the girls. So is it better to stay so they can be around there dad and get some attention every once in awhile? When he does play with them which isnt often but when he does they get so excited and i get a feeliing i dont really get for him
The smiles they get on there little faces and just how happy they get when he plays with them, It gives me a rush of emotions that I'm not exactly sure how to explain. But now its getting harder to continue trying to be the who is making all the sacrafices and staying opptimistic. When I feel so unwanted and unappreciated. I left once, I went out to my familys and was gone for week. By the second day he was calling,crying, saying he was sorry and that he wanted us to come home. He said, he would start being more active/involved with our girls. well that was 6months ago and nothing has changed. I honostly feel like he doesnt want to be here with us anymore. I can feel us slipping farther and farther apart, Its like I'm trying to hang on to something I never really had, and its starting to really get to me. He looks at me like I am the most repulsing person he has ever seen, Then talks to me like I'm the dumest person he has ever met. When I try talking to him he ignores me, now our 3yr old is starting to do the samething! Why wont he just man up and say he isnt happy?? Im getting tired of being the mature adult when he is 8 yrs my senior..I know men mature slower than women but gesh we have been together almost 5yrs now ever since I was 19 n he was 27. I'm now 25 and he is 32!! How long does it take for men to grow up???
Ok, so they're his. Yeah, takes a man about 37 years to grow mature, on average anyway. Well lemme' ask you a sensitive question: You making it so that he . . . wants you? You know that could help don't you think? I mean the physical thing. That's what men mostly want right? You would do that anyway if you left him wouldn't you? I mean looking nice to attract other men. I don't wish to know how you look. All I'm saying is that health and fittness are good for you anyway and the extra benefit is looking . . . desirable. So if that's an issue with your marriage, think about changing things not for him but for you. Get in shape, exercise, slim down, look sexy and desirable for you first. Not saying that will fix your marriage, but it could help unless he's not in shape either and he gets jeolous of your new-found sex appeal.
Anyway, a lot of marriages go off into the ditch because either partner started looking hot to get the other, got married, then slacked off, gained weight and lost their sex appeal. I realize having two children affects a woman's looks but life isn't fair. I think it would help marriages in general, their children too, if both partners worked hard to stay fit and healthy and by association not over-weight. I know marriage is more than looks, but if looks are one problem in your marriage, then you could try and correct that one just for your own benefit independent of the marriage, as well as work on the other marriage issues.
He's really missing out on those girls. I could tell him some things . . .
Last edited by theoneman; 05-09-2011 at 02:02 PM. Reason: fixed last sentence
I am beset by the ironies in my life.
What it boils down to is how long will YOU allow it? Seriously.
I would start with taking an hour when he's out in the garage and going out ALONE for a cup of coffee at a book store. Spur of the moment, go out and tell him you're going to head out for an hour or so and he's got the kids. He isn't a babysitter, you don't have to arrange time for him to take care of the kids so you can get some breathing space. And ALLLLLL parents need their alone time. Or in the evening, let him know you're heading upstairs to take a bath, take a glass of wine with you and lock the damn door.
It isn't 50/50. It's 100/100 and I totally disagree that that is unrealistic. In a solid marriage/relationship, that is NOT unrealistic. I get that he works and stresses about work, but when he's at home with you and the kids he doesn't get to just check out of life and be a single guy with no responsibilities. My husband and I had to both realize after our daughter was born that things were DRASTICALLY different. We had to work a lot harder to be individuals, loving spouses, and now parents (both a co-parent and an individual parent). It's hard freaking work, but it can absolutely work! When we get off work for the day, our day isn't over. It's far from over.
How much and how long are you willing to put up with it? IMO there is nothing worse than being a married single parent. Being alone and a single parent is a much better alternative than being a married lonely single parent. At least if you were a single parent you could likely look forward to every other weekend of alone time! Sounds selfish but it's not. And right now your children absolutely are paying a price and being exposed to behavior you really don't want them to learn. You don't want your children to learn that his behavior is acceptable and the norm, do you??
My husband takes time out in the garage to "tinker" on a regular basis. He takes time to be out with his friends pretty much whenever he wants. I have no problem with it - because he makes sure to spend time as a daddy, we both make efforts to spend time as a couple (not just as parents), and he goes out of his way to make sure I get time with my friends or to myself. We both make the effort.
You shouldn't be taking on the role as a parent by yourself and watch him get to be a single guy whenever he wants.
*Proud mommy to a 6 year old princess and 18 month old bundle of joy son*
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My husband is the sole bread winner in the house. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the hard work that he does but he also doesn't take into account what I do. Every morning at 5:30am, I am up with our son, getting his breakfast ready and playing with him. I play and entertain him all morning until lunch, which I make for him. Then I play with him until he tires for a nap (which sometimes I take with him), and I use the baby's nap time for my online college time. Then my son wakes up about the same time that my husband gets home from work. My husband gets home and wonders why there isn't food made for him or why there is a toy or two spread across the floor. Even after my husband gets home, he unwinds by playing video games or computer games until its around bath time for the baby. I understand that my husband wants to unwind but when do I get to unwind? Because I'm either taking care of my baby or taking care of my husband (another toddler at times).
Oh, it's rough, isn't it? To be a good parent, I think you've got to first take time for yourself. They come first, but without time for yourself, you'll lose it for sure!
As a dad of two - 12 and 7 now, things get a bit rough, but I take time for myself just to get away. You are not defined by your motherhood. There is more to you. Embrace it.