I Work 2 Jobs, He works 0

[Wiggnbill]

The hubby and I have been married 2 years. He has been unemployed for most of it. I am now working 2 jobs while he collects unemployment. I want kids in the very near future. He says he wants kids too, but that he needs school first, in order to get a job that will provide for a family. Is it wrong of me to be bitter and upset that he is out playing with friends at the drift races (cars) while I'm at work? I've tried talking to him about kids and him needing a job. I don't think he quite understands that he can be in school, he will only be taking 1 or two classes at a time, and working at the same time.

Am I expecting too much from him? Help!

[Newmom!]

I'd be bitter and upset even if children weren't a factor. My husband was laid off and he worked dillegently looking for leads, preparing for interviews, etc. It paid off, he found a job in a few months. He took a little time to work on the house, but felt guilty about every minute he wasn't actively job seeking. Obviously dillegence in some people still doesen't yield a job, but it does look better to others if they are actively seeking.

Your husband can still go to school now. Fill out the FAFSA, free application for Federal student aid. It can help to defray the cost so it can be afordable now without a job. You might feel better if he is being active, in some way, in your future together, even if he isn't earning income.

Personally, as hard as it may be, I wouldn't bring kids into the family until he does find a job, or is a good way through school (kids and college can be a tough combination).

In the end, you do need to look at his personality, and his current state of mind. He could be so bummed about not having a job that he is suffereing from depression at some level and is having a hard time getting out of that slump and go back to job seeking. I have a friend who was this way. It frustrated his wife, but at the same time it wasn't something he meant to feel. And if he is in this mental slump, I'm sorry but don't know how to get him out of it. Hopefully you two will be able to work something out.

Hoping for the best for you.

[Wiggnbill]

Thanks for your input! I agree with just about everything. I think he is in denial of any anxiety or depression he is feeling. He also isn't good at multitasking. He's already filled out FAFSA, but hasn't followed through to find out how much aid he was allotted. He feels that school is enough. I personally went to school full time and worked part time. I also have the mentality that I will do whatever is needed to get the job done (or just get the job). He doesn't have the same motivation.

So in the meantime, I'm frustrated because I am gone 6 days a week between the two jobs, and have no energy to do anything else. And then he goes off and plays.

I am afraid of getting too mad at him (to his face) because he has had issues with anxiety and inadequacies. I just don't know what to do short of losing my mind. I know that yelling and fighting isn't the answer, I'm just at my wits' end on what to do.

[Newmom!]

I wish I had the answer for you. Maybe simply show him your post and say "I know you have your own feeling, but these are mine" and hopefully a positive, non yelling and non-nagging conversation will ensue. I really don't know. I hope something works well for you soon.

[APEMBERTON]

Newmom had a ton of great advice.

Like she said taking future kids out of the equation I would be bitter & unhappy.
I used to go to school full time & work full time. I am pretty sure he could manage that too.

There is no other way to put it, but he needs to put his big boy underwear on & get back out there.

My husband & I BOTH got laid off in 2009. He got a job within a week & if he hadn't he would have done ANYTHING to make money for our family. To this day he has one full time job & two part time jobs. I have one full time & one part time job.

If you think he is depressed or overwhelmed he needs to see a doctor so he can get back to his old self. If he is just being lazy he needs a kick in the pants.

I hope it gets better for you!

[stepmom1]

There are many people out there that work full time and go to school, plus have kids. My sister is proof of that. She has two kids, worked 40 hours a week and went to school at night.

[lekha]

Why are you survive for this kind of person who has no values of his responsibilities? Its not fair at all. Be strict to him and realize him your value, realize him that without you he is nothing, and then see the results.Try it, it works..

[diaperdad]

It is wrong for you to be bitter and upset at him. He is making a choice to do those things, and you are making a choice to allow a person who makes choices you resent to be a part of your life. You can't change him. If you aren't happy, or have concerns about the future, you need to address those with yourself.

It sounds like you want someone to work full-time, or go to school (at the very least), and you don't have that right now. You can either change what you want in a partner, or change partners.

[Iain]

Spouses and finance can be a slippery slope, but I would be honest with him about this one. Give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him how you feel, he might surprise you.

If for some reason he refuses to change, put him on a budget and explain that if he's not going to earn he can help the family by cutting costs. Going without the luxuries that you're financing for him may be the motivation he needs to get in gear - racing puns aside.

[KOmom]

No there is nothing "wrong" with you being bitter. I totally understand your situation b/c I've been there. I got married when I was 20 & my husband was 18. He was working before we got married. The plan after we got married was for me to continue working full-time & for him to go to college & work part-time. Well with the very long school schedule he had there was no way for him to keep the job he had. So I figured "Hey I make enough for us right now" and let him quit his job & focus solely on school. It seeemed like a good idea at the time. But it blew up in my face big time. Before I knew it he had dropped out of school, we had a baby, and he did not even try (in my opinion) to get a job. I became very resentful. I wish I had some good advice at what worked for us but really the only thing that made life better was when he started working again. My whole perspective of him changed. So what I would suggest is that you try talking to him and use words like I resent the fact..... blah blah blah. He needs to know that this is not a "little" problem that this is a major deal and he has to find another job (not needs to, has to as in no option). You might have to help him get a job also, like looking up leads, filling out apps with him, things like that to get him motivated. That's what I did for my husband & it really paid off. Good luck! :-)