I was threatened for my child hitting

[tanyasoan]

My almost 2 year old is going through a phase where she hits other kids. My husband and I use the redirect method with her whenever she hits someone. We tell her it hurst and ask to say sorry (we don't believe in spanking). Every parent/caregiver we have encountered in play dates or playgrounds are very understanding about the situation every time my daughter hits other kids. I understand is hard when they hit your kid but it is equally hard when your child is the one doing the hitting. Well, the other day I had an encounter with what I believe it was a grandfather at a play group. First he approached me to tell my that his little girl was afraid of my daughter, when my daughter has not even gotten closer to his little girl. Nothing, happened! I kind of smile and said something to the effect that my daughter is very gregarious. Later on my daughter hits this little girl. I quickly apologize and ask my daughter to say sorry and ask the guy if his little girl was fine. This gentleman quickly started pointing his finger at me and started saying that I needed to do something about my daughter. He continue to say that my daughter had something against his little girl because he has not seen her hitting any other kids, which is false. I tried to explain to this gentleman that my daughter had nothing against his little girls. I said she has been going through a phase of hitting and that she does it with neighbors and other kids at the playground. He threatened me to do something about my daughter hitting otherwise he was going to talk to the administration of this play group so they wouldn't let me come again. I had never gone through something like this before. I was so shaken, heartbroken, frustrated...you name it! How do I deal with parents/caregivers like this? PLEASE, HELP!

[charliesmommy]

Really? You think he was the bad guy? Wow! Do you ever punish your child for hitting other children? I'm guessing not because your story implies that your kid hits a lot. I'm sorry but if I were in your play group, I would want you and your kid out too. It is rediculous that you allow her to continue to hit other children. Saying sorry is not a punishment. Taking her out of the situation/play is punishment. Taking her toys away is punishment.

My son went through a biting phase. He bit one kid at the sitter's. Why did it only happen once? Because we took his crayons away from him the second we got home. He was around 18 months or so when this happened.

You need to stop your kid from hitting.

[JACKEMAMA]

That is tough to have to deal with especially since you had apologized to the man right after. Has that little girl played with your daughter before? Because that was kind of weird that she would be scared of your daughter beforehand. It is good that you make your daughter apologize after she hits someone, but are you explaining (and is she understanding) why she can't do that to others? Along with apologizing, it seems that many parents sit their child down and have a talk with them on how to correct that behavior. Also, do you discipline this act? I agree with the no spanking but that is not the only way to "punish". Do you leave the park or take toys away after she hits someone - especially if it is a hard hit? As far as dealing with parents, as long as you apologize and don't stoop to their level of rudeness you should be fine. Some parents are going to be understanding and others are not going to be and do not want other children hitting theirs. But it sounds like you don't have that many confrontations anyways since the rest of the people you are around you said are understanding..

[tanyasoan]

@charliesmommie - the reason of my thread is not for people to scold me. I am looking for advice on how to handle a situation like this. No one here is the bad guy. I think he could have approached the situation in a different way since we are both adults. He was very rude and disrespectful. My daughter has been hit before by other kids and I have never threatened and treated anyone like this guy treated me. To help you understand me better I am going to answer some of your questions. We used to put my daughter in "time out" whenever she did any hitting besides telling her that hitting is wrong. We talked to our Pediatrician and a child behavior expert and they both said that this is a way some toddlers have to express their frustration. The recommended to use the redirect method vs punishing therefore we stopped punishing and doing "time out". They also said it was going to take some time for her to understand that what she is doing is wrong. I also want to make clear that I don't allow my daughter to hit other kids. There has been many times where I know she is about to hit and I stop her form doing it. I just don't seat on the sideline and observe my daugther hit other kids. I am always supervising my child.

@jackemama - It is a hard situation to deal with, especially since I am a first time mom. This was the first time for this gentleman and this little girl in this play group (is one of those places that you pay to go learn and play - I don't want to mention name). We have never seen them before and we have never had any problems with anyone at this particular place or any other place. We are constantly explaining to my daughter that hitting is wrong and that it hurst people. When we talk to her she repeats "hitting hurts" and she always says "sorry" and hugs the person but she continues to hit. Like I mentioned before, we were doing "time out" and getting her away from play/toys until our Pediatrician recommended to use the redirect method (getting her away from the situation and explaining that what she did was wrong). My Pediatrician also told me it was a phase some toddlers go through and that she was going to outgrow it. I am always supervising my daughter and making sure she plays nicely. Many people might take this like my daughter is a bully but she is very sweet. I don't think she hits any more than other kids at the playground. She has even been hit before. I understand that what she is doing is wrong but that doesn't mean she is a bad girl. Thanks for your advice and for been understanding.

[clnrc88]

my son was a bitter everyone and everything i talked to my dr about what i could do cause he was to young for soap plus he would just eat it anyways and he told me everytime he bit someone to lightly pinch his arm until he was old enough for timeout he hated it after just a few days he stoped bitting. if your dr has kids asking him or her for advice especially if he or she has kids the same age. my dr has a son thats only a month older then my oldest and they went though it at the same time.

[tanyasoan]

@ clnrc88 - Thanks for your advice. We are seeing a different doctor within the same clinic in a couple of weeks so I am definitively going to ask again for advice.

[charliesmommy]

Tanya, please reread your OP. The way you talk about your daughter's hitting, it sounds like she does it all the time and you do nothing but make her say she is sorry. Which, in turn gave me the impression that the gentleman who made it clear that he does not want your violent child in the play group had witnessed your child's violent behavior in the past. Perhaps your behavioral expert is incorrect and it's time for you to start punishing your child for hitting other kids. It is totally unfair of you to allow other children to be struck while you work through your child's 'phase'.

Now, if you would have said that this happened after your child hit for the first time, I would have to agree that the man who complained was over reacting.

[LisaGreene]

This is totally normal behavior and she will grow out of it, but that doesn't make it any easier. It is difficult to be the parent of the hitter/biter. I agree with you in not spanking. Redirection is good, but what are you redirecting her to? If she is just going to another area to play, that doesn't teach her about consequences. Natural consequences work best. If she hits, she is not allowed to play anymore, she has to leave.

I do this with my kids and it works every time. I say "If you choose x behavior, then you are choosing x consequence". For example, if you choose to hit anyone at the park, then you are choosing to leave the park. Then, if she hits, you leave and remind her that she chose to leave when she chose to hit. It puts the responsibility totally on her. This may sound silly (I thought so at first to), but it works so well. You'll only have to leave a few playdates and she will get it. Be sure to remind her ahead of time and if you see her about to hit, remind her again.

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[tanyasoan]

Hi charliesmommy! My husband and I have been trying to deal with this problem since the moment it started. We are just a little confused since first we were punishing but then they told us not to. We are seeing a different Pediatrician in a week and we are going to ask for his opinion. I know hitting is wrong and that we have to make it stop (and we are working on it). My frustration was with the way this gentleman treated me. It was his first time at this group and the first time my daughter hit this girl. I left this class crying : ( Just thinking about it stresses me out.