Absolutely desperate .. Please help!

[susanajuly]

Hi,

I am 22 years old and a mother of two boys ages 3 and 5. I am still with their father, and we live in Scottsdale, AZ. We moved here because my Mom found a job and we wanted to be close to her. For a while I was doing good, then my aunt came into town and little by little my support system has been "ignoring" me I guess.

The problem that I am having is that my boys are always fighting, whining, not listening, complaining, grabbing things they are not supposed to, trashing my house, persistently in my face whining all the time. When they need help, they don't ask, they just whine.

I do realize that I have sort of mentally checked out the last couple of months. I have not been dealing with it like I should and have been just shut off. I try to intervene and get the situation under control but eventually I just end up getting extremely anxious on the verge of tears.

My boyfriend has not been help at all. I do 80% of the work with the kids I tell him that he does need to spend time with the kids and I think deep down he does, he just doesn't know how to prioritize. He does not want to be a dead beat Dad, he is just as frustrated as me and doesn't know how to deal with it. He is in his own little world, doing his own things, on the computer, reading, doing whatever. When I ask him to help and intervene, he says very abusive things to them. When I confront him and tell him that it bothers me, he gets pissed because I am "coming at him the wrong way" and I might be, I don't know. I have no real friends to talk to, or hang out with, I am in a new city and do not have a job, I am starting school soon but how am I going to deal with this? We have been at my mom's house for the last two days and all she can do is scream and tell me to come and get them or GO HOME! I know that she doesnt have to deal with them but she is the only family I have and I don't what to do.

Please do not tell me that I wasn't ready for kids or anything stupid. Obviously I love them and they are here. This is a recent problem. I have been working on my parenting skills for years, but with no support, my coping skills are withering away. I want to just scream at everyone around me. No one knows how hard it is on me and my Mom is always giving me crap saying I'm not doing enough.. She doesn't understand what it's like to take care of kids becuase she never took care of me. she was unable to deal with it so she made other people deal with it. I do not want to repeat these types of cycles. I can be a very centered person, and I am good at finding answers to my problems and implementing new things into my life. Lately, with a huge combination of stressors, I have just been in shambles.

For example:
My kids take turn watching movies, they are constantly fighting and sometimes they won't stop. They don't want to go to bed on time. I tell them to not go into a certain part of the room, and they do it anyway. I get tired because I know I have to be consistent but I swear its like I feel that if I was to call them on everythin gthey did wrong I wouldnt be able to breathe.

Any advice would be great. Please do not reply with nonsense or judgments. THanks

[ZEPHYRVI]

Hmmm...you might want to think about finding a mom's group in your area, you can meet other mothers with you children and I think it would be good for you and your boys. As for the problems with your boyfriend, the only thing you can really do is talk to him...calmly. I know that isn't always easy either but
It's the only way you'll ever work it out. Also try talking to your Mom, tell her how you're feeling and what
You really need, I know that can also be difficult, I've been there.
P.S. you might also try taking your boys to the park or library, or even find a daycare, they might just need
a little more social interaction, I know my daughter gets fussy and whiny when she hasn't been out in awhile. Goodluck, I hope you all feel better soon.

[ZEPHYRVI]

Sorry I meant to write young children up there.

[cay8099]

I agree about samll outings to the park and whatnot. Your boys do sound like they need outside interaction, but have you considered that you may have depression? You have moved to a stragne city, lost your support system, and you don't seem to be dealing with it all that well. I would talk to your doctor. I would also suggest that you and your boyfriend sit down and have a heart to heart. Explain the wya your feeling, and tell him you need his support right now cause this is hard for you right now. You may want to consider couples counciling.

[jamiehighland]

I will throw in my lot with cay and recommend talking to a doctor about it. Anxiety and depression can play a huge role in how you handle stress, and how you handle stress affects how you handle your kids. They are likely feeding off of your stressed out energy without anyone realizing it, and they act it out by misbehaving.

Try to talk to a professional, and getting outside and letting the boys run it out whenever you can. Good exercise is a great way to make sure they go to bed at night. If they are not going to bed well or sleeping well, that may also have a lot to do with their behavior.

Let us know how you are doing!

[Newmom!]

In addition to what was already said, consider taking a parenting class. It will give you idea on how to maintain boundaries for your children (which children need and crave) without exhausting you. If your boyfriend takes the class too then you both can be on the same page with similar ideas on raising your children.

[MUM2GR8BYZ]

oh yes, get out of the house!! I am 27 and I have a 5, 3 and 1 year old and what you have described about your little ones sounds very familiar to me! haha My husband and I moved out of state for my husband's job when our oldest was only 11 months old. 8 months later we had our second baby and I was literally alone in the house with the two boys all day every day with my closest relative over 4 hours away and not a friend in the whole state. I thought I was going to lose my mind! When our second son was four months old, we moved to a new city to shorten my husband's commute and I heard about a mothers group in our town. I signed up and started taking my boys to playdates and outings to parks and museums with these other mothers and it has made all the difference! We have been in the group now for 3 1/2 years and I have made some unbelievable friendships! We vent to each other, watch each others kids when we have appointments or need a break, get together for moms-only game nights or trips to the movies and we even take a weekend away at the beach each summer (and leave the daddies on baby duty!) If you can find yourself a mothers group, it will be such a relief! Just having those other women around who can really relate to you and understand where your coming from - it's sanity!

Also - check out the book called "how to talk to kids so they will listen & listen so they will talk" It has some great suggestions for working with young children in a positive way so you don't have to feel like you are constantly disciplining! I know I hate spending my day feeling like the warden!