I don't know what to do...

[dreamlikerian]

So let me start by saying I am a single mom of a 9 1/2 yr old girl. My daughters father has randomly showed up at the house to see her over the years and hasn't seen her in at least 4-5 years and has never financially supported her at all. Just about every year I get a phone call or email saying he wants to see her and at first I would say ok and he would show up about 40% of the time. These last several years I have flat out told him no b/c I am not going to waste my time or let my daughter get hurt. Last yr when he texted me about seeing her I basically ignored him and he left it at that. Because of something he told her several years ago she thinks him not being a part of her life is totally my fault.
Now my question is this...he sent me an email this week saying he has changed and now wants to be a part of her life. I don't want her to get hurt but I also what her to have that opportunity to have a father. I have told him in the past that if he supported her financially for 3+ months (even very minimally) then we would talk about letting him see her and he has never done that, he always come up with an excuse why he can't. Should I let him in. I don't want him to know where we live or even her phone number. I don't even know him anymore; we haven't been together/know each other in 10 yrs so I couldn't let him take her or be alone with her.
Has anyone gone through a similar situation? Help.

[APEMBERTON]

I have not gone through a similiar situation, but I would try to let him back in. I know it is going to be very difficult, but you have to try at least for your daughters sake.
People do change. He may be the same or he may have changed, but you don't know until you try. She deserves a father if he is willing to try.

I would personally meet him somewhere. Pick a time & place(park, restaurant) to meet. You don't have to give him your number or your address. If he shows up great, if not you can always say you tried. I think your daughter is old enough to talk to her about it too. Let her know he wants to see her again & if she is up for it that you are willing to go with her & meet him, BUT the possibility of his past behavior is still possible. He may not show up, but that is okay, that is his problem/loss it has nothing to do with her.

[diaperdad]

I would give him the opportunity to be involved. A friend of mine went through a very similar thing. His kids thought he drove their mom off, until they were old enough to realize that she wasn't showing up for anything.

My buddy did everything to facilitate he kids relationship with their mom, often bending over backwards to make it happen. It didn't take long for the kids to realize dad was the one driving hours so they could spend time with mom and mom was the one no-showing. He told me he knew she wouldn't show up and he kept doing it because he wanted her to prove him wrong.

Someone made a comment about him winning and being the 'good' parent. His response was that there are no winners and the losers are sitting in the backseat aching for their mom.

[Denise Viagas]

hi, dont know if its to late to post. i have friends who have been through this some turned good but not others. my suggestion to you is if you do decide to let him in then do what you said 3 months financially to see if hes serious enough. then meet him with your daughter in a public place so you get to know him yourself again. dont leave him with your daughter alone just yet. when time passes you will know if you can trust him or not i suppoise am sure you daughter will also tell you if she feels right with him or not. but this way you dont need to show him where you live or anything like that.

[theoneman]

I think you have to let him be dad as long as he has a healthy relationship with her regardless of the money or anything else. But likewise, he has to learn how to be a good dad. It's tough though for young guys to know that. Just keep a single focus in mind the both of you: what does it take to raise a healthy girl? I think an important part of that is having a loving relationship with dad although some women without it and turned out fine may take offense at that. Still though they would all have liked it I bet. But raising a healthy daughter is complicated and sometimes no matter how well you do, she still runs into problems. It's gonna' hurt when she does. I mean dad, and the more he stays out of her life, the more it's going to hurt.

[lonesomesmomma]

I'm in a similar situation. My son's dad has been in and out of our son's life ever since we split up (when my boy was about 1 1/2, he's now almost 7). I've finally decided to stop "trying". I was always the one making the effort to make sure they had a relationship. And his dad would always flake on him. He'd disappear for months at a time and expect to be able to waltz back in like it didn't bother anyone. However, I know my son's father very well and the type of life he has been leading, so that's what led me to the conclusion: Either way my boy is going to get hurt. However, in my opinion, I believe he'll suffer less (in the long run) by cutting his dad completely out, as opposed to in/out, up/down. I think children need consistency and having all that anxiety and hurt feelings built up over time I think will lead to more damage. But like I said I know my son's father, very well, and know that even if I let him back in, sooner or later he'll pull the disappearing act AGAIN. He's very into drugs and is very much an alcoholic and is in a very abusive relationship. Until he can get his life in order, my son will not be involved. So, yeah this is my story and how I'm choosing the deal. I hope the best for you and your daughter.