How to Deal?

[Zack_Jenn]

My 4 year old daughter has a friend who comes to our house daily and stays for long periods of time (this isn't the problem because they get along great and I can get more stuff done when my older 2 have someone over to play with.)

The problem is that while she is here I frequently overhear her telling one of my kids something like
"I won't be your friend if you don't do x."
"I'll go home if you don't give me y."
and it drives me crazy!

I want my kids to share and to play nicely, but I do not want them giving in to peer pressure. I don't want them to think that they have to give people things for them to be their friends or that it is okay to expect that of other people. (If I caught either of them saying something similar I would immediately step in and I try to talk to them about it when she leaves too.)

How do I work against this behavior?

[Newmom!]

Is her parent over with her? If not, I think you should feel free to step in and help the visitor learn better negotiation strategies. When she says "I won't be your friend unless X" then step in and say something to the effect of "that sounds kind of mean, and I know you want to be nice. You must really want to do X and my daughter wants to do Y. Let's figure out a way you both can have fun." So you acknowledge that the girl has needs then you help her find a positive way to meet those needs. Work with them together in coming up with a good solution (maybe Y for 10 minutes, then go do X, or whatever works).

This will mean that you will not get much done for a while as you are frequently stepping in to teach the negotiation skills, but eventually (a few days to weeks) you will not have to be so involved, instead use prompts like "You both want to do something different, what should you do to work it out?" and the girls should be able to create their own solutions with minimal help. Eventually they will be independent. Expect some slip ups from the visitor, but overall if you work with the girls they both will increase their negotiation skills so neither one is too bossy or too much of push over.

(FYI - this is the basic strategy I use in my preschool special education classroom for teaching social skills. I can get it accomplished with many children in a few months, your children don't have cognitive impairments, so they will get it too, and much faster).

[JACKEMAMA]

If it were me I would mention something to the friend's parents and if I was near by and heard it happening I would not hesitate to step in at the moment and tell the friend that it is not nice to say things like that to others. If the friend is at your house often then I do not see any problem in correcting the child's remarks and essentially disciplining the child...in fact, 80% of mothers on the Skinny Scoop stated that they have disciplined someone else's child...check it out:

http://www.theskinnyscoop.com/questi...ent=discipline

[KelEMcE]

In my experience, telling the other parent rarely works. There's a reason their kid is saying what she's saying. And I think we as adults expect kids to know how to navigate friendship and social issues. They don't. They're kids. We can't expect them to have all the tools; we have to give them the tools.

I've been in this exact situation before, many times. As a teacher and a mom, I say you have the right to insist that your rules are followed in your house. I tell kids all the time, "My house, my rules. If you don't like my rules, you can go home and follow YOUR rules. But if you want to play in MY house, with MY kids, this is what we do."

And then tell her what you would like to hear. I'd say something like, "If you threaten someone, that's mean. If you tell someone that you'll only play if they do what you want, that's bullying. A nicer way to say it is ___" and then tell her how to phrase it. Have her repeat it to your child, then praise her for it. When you hear any of the kids speaking appropriately, praise them for their manners and their kindness. If she says, "I'll go home if ___" then tell her, "You may certainly leave if you wish. But a nicer way to get what you want is to say, 'May I please have a turn with____ ?' " and then let her repeat it.

I try not to take anything kids do personally, but it's hard to see your kids mistreated!

[LITLR129]

You must really want to do X and my daughter wants to do Y. Let's figure out a way you both can have fun." So you acknowledge that the girl has needs then you help her find a positive way to meet those needs. Work with them together in coming up with a good solution (maybe Y for 10 minutes, then go do X, or whatever works).

This will mean that you will not get much done for a while as you are frequently stepping in to teach the negotiation skills, but eventually (a few days to weeks) you will not have to be so involved, instead use prompts like "You both want to do something different, what should you do to work it out?" and the girls should be able to create their own solutions with minimal help. Eventually they will be independent. Expect some slip ups from the visitor, but overall if you work with the girls they both will increase their negotiation skills so neither one is too bossy or too much of push over.

(FYI - this is the basic strategy I use in my preschool special education classroom for teaching social skills. I can get it accomplished with many children in a few months, your children don't have cognitive impairments, so they will get it too, and much faster).

Those sounded like very good ideas for social negotiation and if my daughter ever gets into that position I have this in the back of my head. Just curious Does this work when you are trying to get your kid to eat and they rather play?

[elvaldoerr]

I know that I am ugly– I’m not imagining it because people have told me so, not out of anger or spite, just being truthful. I’ve made my peace with being physically inadequate but what I’m having trouble with is adjusting to society’s view of me.
dead sea 2u