My significant other and I talk about it a lot. When I was much younger, I had a miscarriage. Now that I'm 21, I want a kid. To the point where it makes me depressed to go see family or friends who have children. I'm stuck between what's logical and what would make me happy. I just don't know what to do and I want someone who will listen, rather than talking to my other and have him feel pressured to give me what I want.
I would make sure you are in a emotionally and financial and otherwise stable relationship and time of your life. If you feel both your and your S.O. are ready then having a child would be a joy. But, if you differ in your opinions, relationship has some big flaws that need to be worked on, are not finacially stable, or are expecting some other big life change, it might be best to wait a while. Where-as life may never be "perfect" for having a baby, there are situations that are much better than others.
Also, know that having a kid is more work than rewarding for the first few years of the child's life. You might want to simply enjoy being kid free a little longer. I love my baby, but the whole world is centered on him - and I do once in a while miss being able to do what I want, when I want (now I have to wait until he goes to bed) :-) Even if your life is "perfect" and you have waited a long time, a baby is a huge change to adjust to.
Maybe you can apply to be a foster parent. It might give you a chance to test out the feelings you have and help you decide if having a baby is what you really want right now.
It is also possible your feelings are pronouonced due to feelings of "lost opportunity" due to your past miscarriage. If you think this is the case, consider seeing a counselor. For some women a baby is a baby no matter how little into the pregnancy they are. A loss of this sort can be hard to get over, even years later. Be sure you are not confusing a sense of loss with a desire to have a child.
State Certified Early Childhood Special Education Teacher
New Mom as of March 2009!
The best thing for you to do is to relax and realize that what you are feeling right now is totally selfish. When choosing to have a child, the choice should be made for the child. It should be made because you know that you are ready to give that child every once of yourself.
Look, you're not even married yet. Get yourself established, including marriage, spend some time securing your marriage and then revisit having a child.
Is your relationship stable and heading towards marriage? Do you talk about and agree on parenting principles and how your child will be raised (discipline, religion, eating habits, etc.)? Are you both ready to have a lot more responsibility and a lot less fun? How about a whole lot less sex?
Who will watch the baby after its born? If you plan on staying home, can your boyfriend afford to pay ALL of the bills himself, plus carry the financial burden of a baby (formula, diapers, clothes, doctor visits, etc)? If you plan on working, can you afford daycare? Do either of you have health insurance?
These are just some of many important questions you need to be honest with yourself about. As much as you might WANT to have a baby, at the end of the day you should want your unborn child to come into the best situation possible. If you don't think you can provide the best life possible for a baby right now, then hold off on having one. What would YOU want YOUR mom to do?
RIP Sadie Rose 1/20/10 ~ 1/25/10, Mommy loves you!
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in order to come to a decision you have to step back and look at the bigger picture at hand. Having a child is not what you think yes it is wonderful and yes it is hard and sometimes terrible, im not going to lie a screaming infant at three in the morning after a full day of rushing and diapers and crying and feeding and burping and MORE diapers is not something you can prepare for. you can plan to wait to do this until you know for sure that you are mature enough to handle the situation. Having a human life to care for takes a lot of maturity, and yeah everyone still learns as they go after baby, but some had some maturity to begin with and than others had non and were forced to learn it (myself included.) but hoping you learn this lesson after baby is more than likely going to end in failure and i am not attacking you i am asking why make the best thing in your life a bad decision?
Are you mature enough? i don't know, but if you were to be parents that is(you and your partner) you would be able to talk to each other about this situation without worrying that the other would feel pressured, because in child making thats the worst reason to do it. Another thing is defiantly finances, no one is ever financially ready to have a child, well except millionaires but the guilt you will feel if you are constantly struggling with a baby, i personally know about that.
I am also wondering if maybe your feelings of hurt when you go around your friends who have children may be coming from the hurt of loosing your own? as hard and as devastating as it is to loose a child in one way or another coming to terms with yourself and realizing its not your fault may make it easier to decide on trying for another child, and not just feeling the emotion to replace the one lost. One last thing i would like to mention that i got from your question, is you wrote about the logical decision and what makes you happy, in this situation there is plenty of logic, i have given you a few things as well as the other posted comments, but the main point to focus on is that having a child is not solely about the parent(s).
Once the child is born it will no longer be about the Parent(s) it is about child, everything is about and for child. Ask yourself are you willing better yet, are you able to give up your life? your time? your money and possibly your relationship to give the baby the life he/she will need?
No one can make this decision for you and i hope you take into consideration the things i am trying to tell you about, its not what you think it will be. believe me i thought just the way you did.
a caring young mother!
i think th efact that ur not showing any affection is good... cz maybe its been enough... and u can now realize u no longer need him.. its time to move on and focuss on other things... keep ur head up high... because ur doing no wrong.
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