Need some advice please...

[rson]

Hello all. I'm new to the forum and new to parenthood as well. I have a 3 month old daughter with my wife of just over a year. I'm a young dad, so all of this is quite new and overwhelming at times.

What I need advice on is my wife sometimes gets upset that she has to be home with the baby all day while I am at work. I am gone for about 12 hours a day because of my commute to work. I have to go to FL. for 2 days for my job and I feel really guilty about it and she is visibly upset over it. I do not know what I can do to have her not be so upset...I love her very much and feel like sometimes I don't do enough, when I am doing everything I can...

Is there any advice anyone can give to help me?

Thanks in advance.

[MommaC]

Definitely keep helping as much as your schedule allows, and acknowledge how much she does. Try to do some thoughtful things and praise her for all of the excellent wife/mom things she does. Help her to find some outlets outside the house. Your baby is getting to a stage when her schedule kind of stabilizes which will free mommy up to take a shower and make plans. Going for a walk with a friend, meeting for "playdates", joining a book club, etc. can all provide some relief. I was kind of jealous of my husband for a while because he got to go to work and have adult conversations and come back all "refreshed" and ready to play. Now that I have plugged into my own options for adult interaction, I don't resent his freedom. And it helps that he daily thanks me for doing the things he's noticed I've done.

[KSamarco]

I agree with all that MommaC said but also I think your wife should be grateful... There are a lot of moms out there who would do ANYTHING to get to stay home and raise their children. ( I happen to be one of them ) I know it stinks not having adult conversations, but going to school and working 2 jobs when you have a baby is way worse. Count your blessings and good luck!

[cajuncat743]

My husband and I are young and have a three month old too, so I can definitely relate. I also don't have a driver's liscence so getting out of the house whenever I feel like it isn't an option. Some things that help me are going to a friend's or relative's house all day while he is at work. Also when my husband hugs me and tells me out of the blue what a good mom I am, or when he tells me how much he appreciates everything I do, that makes me feel so much better. And, too, sometimes I'll hand her over to him for an hour or two and that is ME time, I don't touch her for that whole time (I usually go sit outside and read so I can't even hear her heehee), and even just an hour can make me feel sooooo much better. Also I found this site, and I can't wait to join, it's a club for at-home moms and they get together for different things. A great way to meet other moms and make friends. See if there is one in your area, there probably is. http://www.momsclub.org/ And thank you for caring so much about your wife that you'll come on here to get advice! Good luck!

[lara.ball@cox.net]

I hope you really did want specific advice because that is what I am going to give you.

1. When you walk in the door at the end of your day no matter how tired you are expect to be on total baby duty for at least 30 minutes to 1 hour.
2. First thing out of your mouth should be "Hi Honey, you look great! Thank you for taking such good care of our child today. Why don't you let me watch the little one and you go take 30 minutes to take a shower, eat something, brush your teeth, or have a minute of me time!
3. Recognize that it is significantly easier to work 12 hour days than it is to be with a newborn alone all day and a new mom.
4. On your upcoming business trip can you arrange for another family member or friend to come by the house and give your wife the 30 minute break? If so, arrange for it to happen for her!
5. Never ever say, "I think the baby is hungry, needs a diaper change, or shouldn't have that..." and then just sit there. If you really think that, get up and do it yourself. Or at least offer, "I think the baby needs a diaper change, do you mind if I take care of it?" And if she says okay, then don't huff or whine, just smile and handle it.
6. At the end of the night after the baby is down, say to your wife, "Honey, I love you. You are a wonderful wife and mother. New baby and I am so luck to have you."
7. If your wife asks for help with something, do not grumble or even slightly complain. Say, "thank you for asking, I will be happy to take care of it."

I am a working mother, but I was home for the first three months of my childs life and I can tell you it is grueling. It is so much easier to work in an office than be home with a newborn all day. Your wife is physically recovering, having to adapt to a new body image, her hormone levels are still changing (but don't ever say this to her ), and she is being asked to take care of a totally dependent newborn with little or no training. This is a very difficult time for her as well. Any understanding you can offer her, will go a long way.

The one thing I can say, is that it does get better. As the child gets older the baby will settle into a rhythm and everyone will be happier. Try the best you can to encourage your wife and baby to find a schedule that works for them. A good routine is a huge help. Routine, Routine, Routine.

Oh and encourage your wife to reach out and talk with other new moms. It really helps to know you are not alone.

[Cinnamonhoney]

Well I wish she'd be a little appreciative , I don't get to see my 3 months father for weeks 2 for the most because of where he works and where I live and go to school and it's hard because we can't even really talk, and when he visits, it only for a few , to drop off things for the baby or take care of business, because he can't stay, it's almost like we did a divorce before we even had a chance to get married , so she should count that as a blessing!!!

[rson]

Thank you everyone for you replies! It makes me feel a lot better hearing other people going through the same experience. Everything went fine with the trip. A friend of hers is staying with us for a few weeks, so she wasn't home alone the whole time.

I've been trying to keep up with being verbally appreciative to my wife, and she seems to take notice, so thanks for the advice there. All in all, we came to the understanding that both of us don't exactly have it easy right now, but just supporting each other is all we can do.

[craftyashley]

I was in your wife's situation as well. I felt bad about feeling that way, but I couldn't seem to get out of thinking that I was being taken advantage of, and that my husband wasn't pitching in enough. We've had some rough talks since then, and I think it was more about what I was going through at the time than what my husband was doing. I was scared about being left with all the responsibility and just feeling so inadequate. Sure, he could have been more supportive and helped out more, but he was tired from his job as well. At the end of the day- we're both just exhausted. We've both had to stand back and appreciate how hard each other works for our family. I may be doing it at home, but mine is a 24/7 job. His is much more physically demanding job, and he feels the burden of being the sole income provider. We are more alike than we realized.

[cay8099]

I was in your shoes once rson. I work 8-12 hr days 6days a week. So my wife was at home with our baby all day. The older your child gets though the easier it becomes on your wife. My son is 5 now and he is very independent, but we just had another baby boy and he is under 6 months. I will say this much, it has been alot easier on her this time than last. like others suggested to you, get her friends involved. also on your days off you take care of the baby. I know when you come home from work you are tired and you just want to rest but you need to help her. also do the dishes and help wash clothes, if you can cook, cook. anything you can do to help do it. even if it is a bunch of little things. Talk to her as much as you can to. I know it is football season and the big game is on but take a timeout from the game and ask her if she wants to watch something with you. reruns of barney and blues clues get old fast.