One more thing. You clearly don't love her. You have no intention of doing the work involved to fix the problem. What you want is magic words that will make her fall naked into your arms. News flash: NO ONE wants to have sex with someone who would cheat on them! Marriage is not the ticket to plentiful sex 365 days a year. Marriage takes hard work and really being there MIND and body.
"Our best successes often come after our greatest disappointments" -Henry Ward Beecher
I would get Marriage counciling. Something is defenately wrong. Something she is afraid, ashamed, or too angry to confide in you about. A third party needs to be involved, to draw her out and mediate between you. You seem to love your kids and your wife, you want to save your marriage. Get some help, it sounds like it is past time to seek help.
Also consider this, there are five love languages (you can read The Five Love Languages By Gary Smalley)...meaning there are five ways to show and perceive love...1 through touch (hug, kiss, sex, hand holding, cuddling), 2. helping hands (which is what you are doing, helping around the house, though consider she may rather trade and take care of some of that work to get the emotional break of taking care of the kids), 3. words of affirmation (telling her she is complementing her not just on looks, but her work, her attitude, thanking her when she does anything for you even if she is doing it with a grudging attitude), 4. gifts (bring a two dollar rose home, or a bouquet if you can afford it, the dress you noticed her eyeing the last time you were in the mall with her, some candy or if she is on a diet something that she can eat with out cheating that would still be considered a treat. A book, something that would make a hobby easier, a trip to the salon or a massage, etc), 5. Quality time (sitting down with her, talking, doing what she wants to do together, taking her to dinner, or a movie, or on a cruise...not all the time of course, sitting down on the couch with her, with the TV off talking about her day, a book she has been reading, etc).
Learn which love language is your wife's top one, most people have two to three at different strengths, there is even a sort of test in Gary Smalley's book to help you figure out your love language.
Then once you have figured out her love language employ your knowledge to begin to show her love the way she understands love. When she begins to see you really love her and aren't just interested in getting into her pants (which she truly may be feeling, that you just want the sex), that should help open some doors to healing.
I still say while your doing this to get a councilor, I believe you really need it.
I just thought of this, was your wife ever checked for postpartum depression. It can escalate severely if not caught early. You mentioned that it happened shortly after your first child was born. Postpartum depression should be considered. If you already have a councilor I suggest bringing it up, or when you get one I suggest bringing it up quickly. If this is what it is, your wife could simply be having a hard time with hormonal imbalance from pregnancy.
Ironically my situation is reversed. My husband desperately wanted a child of his own (we have another from my past relationship). Falling pregnant took a while, but eventually i did...and thats when the trouble started! When we discovered i was pregnant he was happy beyond words, but a few weeks later he started changing. I noticed our sexual moments were fewer and further apart. He stared going out every single weekend (we used to that together). I would complain about it but things just got worse. Eventually he completely stopped making love to me - infact he stopped all forms of intimacy between us e.e. Taking baths, yaking walks, etc. When i ask him he says he was uncomfotable sleeping with a pegnant woman. BUT...its been almost 4months since the birth of ou baby and he still wont sleep with me. Now he says seeing me in labour has put him off being intimate. Is this normal? Its now been 10months since he was lst intimate with me and theres no hope in sight
may i just say i think that she probably feels a little resentful. I dont know the circumstances but i know when i am resentful or feel self conscience about myself i want nothing to do with my husband. I know that i have had a full time job and a full time job is nothing compared to being a mother. It is very hard to be a man in this situation as well. You feel unloved and unappriciated. Which is fine. However, you are going to have to be patient and try and get it out of her. I know that you feel like you are doing everything but when my husband comes home and says wow you look so very beautiful today. It is more than just the little things.
There is something wrong. I will give you that. I think that a counselor is a great idea. You need to get to the bottom of her resentful behavior.
cay8099 - thankyou for your useless dribble man hater....of course I love her??? WTF, why do you think I am on here posting!.... Also I dont give a dam about sex every 365 days of the year, its the no sex in 365 days that's an issue and "much more" importantly no affection whatsoever - read the post!!. Anyway thankyou others with useful comments.
We had "another" talk.... basically just taking things slowly, she is making effort to be more intimate (kisses hugs). She is worried that in x months she still may not feel like being truly intimate, but as I pointed out we are at that point at the moment so nothing to loose..... See how it goes, its worth always trying but I am emotionally hardening up because A) she basically has said she doesnt luv me as you love your partner (this is gut wrenching and to be honest I will never feel the same), B) expect the worse....
But you never know. Yes it is pretty clear she has fallen out of luv with me and I suppose I am an idiot for staying (pretty clear how she feels now) but I need to give it a go as we just may find that spark again.....
1. help with nightly routines. By bed time she is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.... then 10 seconds after the kids are in bed now you are demanding time from her? Hubby and i alternate nightly routine stuff or we do it together, he brushes teeth with her while i get blankets, babies, etc in the room.
2. she has screaming demanding little people asking for her every moment all day, on top of cooking, cleaning and keeping herself somewhat fed and hydrated somewhere in there too.....its not her job to care for house and home only, its yours as well. while both of us work outside of the home, we both work inside the home also. Its a joint effort.
3. you said something about giving her time away from you. have you ever thought about the fact that you sitting in the pub is only making her resent you more, maybe she wants to go to lunch with some grown ups every so often, she needs her time and space and until you step up and do your fair share in the home she will continue to resent you until the marriage is unsavable. you might work outside the home, but while your away enjoying your grown up time she isnt on the couch eating bon bons with her feet up. she is being pulled in 8 directions and she is controlling meltdowns, messes and chaos......her days are not like yours. her job doesnt have a punch out time and wind down time on the train like yours does. I would be willing to bet she would give anything to be able to sit and cry on the train on MOST days. she doesnt have that option. she is stressed, overwhelmed and angry.
I have the same problem as your wife. I am just tired all the time and I feel like when my hubby comes home I still have to do everything. I think maybe you think you are doing more than she sees you doing. Does that make sense? Ask her what she needs help with and do it. When is the last time you went on a nice date with her without the kids? Have you offered to take the kids and let her have the day off? Buy her a spa package. Think of her. Hate to say this: Sex is not the be all and end all of a marriage, at least from a female perspective, it's a nice perk but if you don't have your needs met it isn't gonna happen.
It's also possible she is depressed. You should read the Five Love Languages. If you can figure out what makes her feel loved (I'd wager a guess that it isn't physical touch) that should help too.
Good luck! I'm sorry you feel so depressed. Whatever you do PLEASE don't have an affair. You'll ruin any chance you have left at fixing your marriage.
jimmy, don't listen to the haters that didn't read your posts and decided to vent their own frustrations. get counseling pronto. 5 love languages is interesting read but if she's that checked out it will give you false hope and you'll get even more bitter. yes, that's personal experience. You both are already working hard and it's not over until the gavel falls on the divorce so go get help and fight for it. If that doesn't bring you back, it will bring healthy closure.
There is something remarkably disturbing in many of the female posts that I have read on this, and other, parenting forums. I am the father of 9 month old twins and they are our first children. I've read book after book on pregnancy and parenting, my wife has read twice as many. For the most part, given that they're either written by women or for women, they say the same things. Guys, you have to do more around the house, buy more gifts, pay more compliments, give her space, spend quality time, etc. etc. etc.
Now when it comes to a father who just figures his only duty is to work and pay the bills, that's good advice. On the other hand, a father like jimmy or myself share parenting duties, contribute to the housework, work our jobs AND try to stay the men our wives fell in love with. The before-mentioned advice is a load of BS to that father. The explanation is not much better. What that advice and explanation come down to is "I don't feel like being a wife because I'm too tired from being a mother." To a mother within the first 3-6 months of delivery, that is entirely possible and can be acceptable. After that 3-6 months if the intimacy is gone and you're not interested in bringing it back (any time soon) there better be an answer. If you don't have one, see your PCP, Obstetrician, Therapist, Clergy, Mother or whoever you need to talk to in order to make sense of it because any mother/partner treads on very thin ice when you withhold intimacy from your partner. If, as I have heard on this post, emotional intimacy is withheld along with physical intimacy you may as well call a divorce attorney.
In most men, though obviously not all, arousal and emotions work the opposite of most women, though obviously not all. In men, arousal (and fulfillment or lack thereof) affects most every aspect of a man's emotional life. In women, it is the opposite. Most women understand this by the age of 14. Knowing this, it is little more than manipulation for a woman to say (or worse, behave) as though sexual attraction/intimacy is a byproduct of housework and parenting. What is sad is that (as scojo100 pointed out), there are many situations where men are constantly upping their game and contributing to the home with no byproduct...accepting and working with the manipulation didn't even work. By the time that sinks in, it usually leaves resentment and bitterness that tears the relationship apart, negatively impacts the children, and leaves a scar on both people involved for years to come.
This is why I say that past a certain point, there needs to be a reason why the intimacy is gone and that reason has to be something you are able & willing to discuss with your partner. "I'm tired" doesn't work 7-days-a-week for a year without there being a reason. "I feel fat/gross" doesn't work for year regardless of reason. When a man loves you he sees you as beautiful regardless of how you look. If you insist on short-circuiting his emotions by withholding intimacy (physical or otherwise), expect your relationship (however long it has left) to impact you, him and your child(ren).
I am beset by the ironies in my life.