Just need some honest opinions on whether you guys/gals thinks that my wife is just staying with me for convenience or perhaps her inner thoughts?
Well we have a 5 year old daughter and a 18 month son, married for 8 years and been going out for over 12 years. Our sex life was never great after our daughter (maybe 1 month at best) until we were trying for another. But once pregnant she never wanted sex. Now some 2 years later we have only had sex once (no pain etc). Now I am a guy with a huge sex drive... but actually I like pleasuring her more than the other way around if you get my drift, i could spend days there... Ok you get the idea I am not a self centred lover. I even luv just kissing, touching and being intimate. I also gives lots of compliments and genuinely find her sexy.
Look honestly I could do more to help with the kids at night ( I leave it mostly to her), but how many men you know who do all house & car maintenance, wash their own clothes, wash-up dishes, iron all clothes and cook great meals every night? and earn good money in the day. And I don't smother her, happy to go camping with the lads...pub etc..
Now believe it or not somehow I have managed to get buy (thankyou hand..) for now and can understand that its hard with the kids (ours still dont sleep well and we are up many times a night). BUT, I am very worried in that there's more to this all.
If I kiss her she shrugs away, if I huge she does not hug back. She barely says she loves me ( I cant remember when last she said this). Every night I curl up in the corner of the bed feeling completely alone and sad. I am a good communicator and have tried three times to get her to open up but she does not really want to talk to me. All she says is that she doesnt want to make me unhappy, but if I am unhappy maybe I should do whatever I want to? This shits me because its like she is making no effort at all. The other day I fricken cried while on the train to work because I feel my marriage is over. I luv my kids and cant leave. I guess if someone great came along I would have an affair..not that I want to but because I am sooooo lonely........
Any hope? or advice. Is it a lost cause?
Last edited by jimmy11; 10-06-2010 at 07:29 AM.
awwww..., my man's the same (the high sex drive part, NOT the helping out part). You sound really concerned and loving, but for all that help you give her, i can say, at least for myself, that if my man weren't helping with our daughter i'd be PO'd too, man kids take A LOT out of you, more than doing the dishes or cooking or cleaning could possibly do. It's worse than any full time job, you're on call 24 hours a day FOR 18 years, and if you're not helping her, it's probably grating on her nerves a lot. Try helping more with the kids and delegating some household responsibilities for both of you, you'll get closer to your kids and your wife will be happier. I mean, I know myself, half the time when my daughter cries i just don't want to go and deal with it, AGAIN, the whining, crying, blah blah screaming i want i want ugh. At least half the time i just tell my man to take care of it, because it would drive me CRAZY if I had to take care of her myself. Let me tell you, between washing the dishes and caring for a crying baby, I'd wash dishes any day!
i would like to speak to you from your wife's perspective. as a mother of 2 kids, it's not surprising that your wife has lost interest in sex.
when you say she doesn't really wanna talk to you, does it mean doesn't wanna talk about sex or doesn't wanna talk at all? it makes a huge difference.
i'm not surprise that she still loves you a lot but merely trying to avoid sex. now, why avoid sex? women goes through a trauma from the point of conception, pregnancy, labor and caring for newborn. it's not easy to cope physically and psychologically.
i can see that you love her a lot and is a caring hubby. i agree with you that wives will need to fulfill her duty to satisfy each other on bed so she can't be low for too long. help her to help your marriage. i don't think it is over. don't be sad over it.
now, take this book called 'Sex After Pregnancy' from http://www.mumsafari.com/for-mum-to-be. It will help you to help her to regain her sexual drive. Have a nice day!
I have many things to say but not the attention span to write it all down. So...
Thought #1: Drop your expectations.
Thought #2: Dive in with the nightly ritual - why should that be a "chore" that gets left up to her? Try doing it at least twice a week - it will only strengthen the bond you have with your children.
Thought #3: My husband does the laundry and the dishes, etc. Doesn't mean I don't need him to jump in on a parental task when I'm overwhelmed.
PS. Truly reach out and tell her that you're worried about the status of your relationship with her and that you need to set aside time to talk about it. Go the extra mile and arrange for someone to watch the kids while you guys have lunch at the park to talk things over. Work on goals (baby steps) together to bring things together - let go of expectations and resentments and see what you can do to move forward. (easier said than done, I know)
I don't agree with "dropping" your expectations. I don't think you should have higher expectations than the way it was prior to having children, but 1 time in the past year (or more)? REALLY?!
Women are wired differenly than men, that I agree with. There is NOTHING wrong with you wanting to share affection, feel a physical and emotional connection with her.
You first need to put in the extra effort with the kids, all that you can. My husband cooks half the time, does his own laundry, and works full time. I also work full time, do mine and my daughter's laundry, and cook the other half of the time. He takes care of all outside chores for the most part, and I'm in charge of inside stuff. It works for us. But when I feel like he gets to just come home and relax while I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I am NOT feeling a bit sexually interested that night. And an emotional connection with him makes all the difference for me.
If you can't get through to her and get her to open up, and you still feel adrift on your own, I would highly suggest pushing for counseling. You are partners in this journey, and you both need your needs met - physical and emotional. The fact that while TTC sex increases and then becomes non-existent, and you soundn like you're really missing an emotional connection with her, really points to some big issues IMO.
I wish you the best of luck!!
*Proud mommy to a 6 year old princess and 18 month old bundle of joy son*
Come join a growing forum community for all members of the family! No spam or advertising, full staff logged in daily!
Ok for starters women, were complicated. I do this to my husband, but it's mostly I don't find my own self attractive and I get bored when in the sack. How ever I have something more with him, he's my best friend... be her best friend. Take one for the team and try harder. My husband isn't perfect, far, very far from it, but he is a hard working man and he still finds time for my son and me. My husband is annoying, but I look past that and I remember that your not always going to get along. I agrue with my husband atleast 3 times a week, sometimes more, but when I argue with him its like he knows I am stressed. I wake up some mornings and find that my husband has done the dishes. Its the little things he does that makes me say OMG lets do it right now.
But don't do it often, she'll get use to it...lol
Well to be honest i have been trying hard to make this work ladies...but honestly if it turns out that a guy has to do everything to make his women happy WTF?? Look you all say its when a guy does little things it makes you happy but it seems I will have to do everything....my typical week is get up, look after/play kids, iron clothes, go to work, work hard, commute a long way back home, play kids, cook dinner, go do grocery shopping, wash dishes, help with little ones...and mrs puts them to bed.... and thats not including my weekend where I just landscaped the whole backyard and painted windows, cleaned inside house.....
Now how much bloody more can a guy do! Im not kidding myself I am not superman and cannot do all that. Well I would do all that for a super loving wife that loved being intimate with me.
Anyway I think I will book a counselor, but I already talked about it with her (very calmly, no frightening) and she just didn't say anything. I really dont see this going well.
My Tip for wives:
love your man, give him free reign to do things he loves (eg dont make him think he needs your approval to do something that you know he really loves), expect him to act like a man and treat you as a women, and ravage him at least every couple of weeks and you will never loose him. You will also gain a friend who would move the world for you. I just wished I had married such a women
She must have been that super loving wife who jumped into the sack with you at one point or aparently you wouldn't have married her mister super sex drive. Apparently when she gave birth and was too tired to drop her pants when you felt the itch you decided to stop helping her around the house. No one said you had to do all those things everyday to help her, but really would it kill you to get involved in the care of your own children? If you're not going to get involved with your kids then why in the hell did you agree to help make any?
"Our best successes often come after our greatest disappointments" -Henry Ward Beecher