Help, Having Trouble With Adult Sister!

[ds4nier]

I need some advice! My sister and I are 13 mo. apart. We are VERY close and do EVERYTHING together. Her and her husband actually lived in N.C. for 8 years while we lived in ME. I have 4 kids ~ 9(G), 6(B), and twins that are 3 1/2 (G). She has one baby that turned 1 in august (B). Her son has been having quit a few health issues and things are reallt tight for them, but especially emotions are running VERY high. This is me making excuses for her. Anyway, since these health issues have come about for her son, she has been mean towards my kids. I think it stems from the fact that my kids for the most part are healthy, just little things for them. She is actually VERY nice to my girls, but VERY MEAN to my son. Now, my son is not perfect by any means. He does hit his sisters (twins), but he is very outnumbered and really is hyper, but not really naughty (like she thinks). I will give you an example. We go to the gym every day together. Because my son is in kindergarten, he does not have school on Thursdays. We put the kids in daycare (my twins and son, and my sisters son), and my son went and got a truck. My nephew wanted the truck, but my son had it first (just for info there is a 5 yr. gap between the two). Anyway, my son started pushing the truck around and saying come get me and when my nephew would get close, my son would run. He was playing a game of chase. He was not being mean, not saying it mean, he was saying it in a sing song voice and making my nephew chase him, and they were both laughing. Out of the blue, my sister starts yelling at my son. She was telling him, you stop that, you are so mean, that's not nice. She also told him you are the reason I can't leave my son here, not all the other kids, just you. This happens quit a bit. There is no jealousy between the boys, they love each other. My son is always excited to see my nephew. The other things that happen is if my nephew picks up any bad habits, my sister ALWAYS blames it on my son. She'll say "he learned that from Jordan (my son)". It really hurts, I don't dare stand up to my sister for fear that she will keep my one and only nephew from me, and she really can be very mean. To be truthful, I really think alot of it is a jealousy because her one son has so many health issues (he has parasonomia with seizures) and I have 4 and they are healthy. Sorry if this is rambling, but I would like to know of similar experiences and if you have any advice. Thanks!

[ra11en]

My twin sister and I have had our issues, but thankfully she's never been mean to my DD.

You said you don't want to say anything for fear that she will keep your one and only nephew from you, but in my very humble opinion you need to get past that fear. I would hope she wouldn't be like that, but your son is hearing her talking nasty to/about him and that is so not good for him. Your son sounds like a normal, healthy, over active little boy. If she has her own issues they shouldn't be taken out on your or your little boy - especially your little boy.

You need to talk to her. Hopefully it can be kept light and loving, she is your sister after all. But your first priority is your son, and her making those kinds of comments and/or yelling at him like that should not be okay. Tell her how much you love her and your nephew, let her know what a great mom you think she is, tell her that you are there for her to vent and talk about her worry / frustration / anxiety, but let her know in no uncertain terms that it is NOT okay to take out her frustrations on your son / her nephew. So not okay.

Would you let a friend or a stranger talk to your son like your sister has? Probably not. It's not okay for your sister to be like that to him either.

And when little incidents like what she did over the truck chase game happen in the future, intervene and call out that they were just playing right away. Let her know immediately that she is over reacting.

[cajuncat743]

Don't let your sister yell at him like that. Kids are affected very strongly by stuff like that, and he's too young to say to himself, "I didn't do anything wrong, she's just jealous and being mean" Instead he'll blame himself and think he's bad. Tell her she can't take out her frustrations on a kindergartner!! yes, it's understandable that she is stressed out, but taking it out on your young son is, sorry to say it, immature. Just talk to her about it, I'm sure she knows that she has been acting wrong, but sometimes people need to have it pointed out by other people before they really say "Oh, wow, I really need to stop acting like this." But you need to protect your son and really talk with her, instead of letting it continue to happen.

[ds4nier]

Thanks ladies for the advice, this of course is what I knew I needed to do. My plan that I have come up with for now is to try and take just my nephew by myself without his mom around and try to spend less time with my sister until things are resolved. I did take him today, and things went well. She got a break with some sleep, I got to spend time with my nephew, and then we went out later and she was ALOT better. She did kind of apologize about seeming to single my son out when it comes to being mean. She did say that she just finds it hard to sit back when healthy kids are misbehaving (which in the instance above I still firmly beleive he was not) and you know they are perfectly able to be good. She did admit to having an especiially hard time dealing with Jordan. I am going to watch very closely fromnow on and try to get the courage to stand up to her when it happens again. I do think she has to realize that no matter what, she is the adult. Anyway, thanks again!