This such a difficult thing for me to even express. I have surpessed these feelings for so long, and now I'm at a point where I want to make significant changes and really be at a place that I can be to give my son what he deserves. I just don't know how to get to that place or really how to just make it all better moving forward. I would appreciate as much support in how to get to that point as possible.
I had my son when I was 18. He was planned with my long term boyfriend of being with for five years(met when I was 13..five years is how long we were committed when we were bf/gf and when I was 15). Had my beautiful son and he was my world and I did not regret him for a moment. He had my full attention and love. Him and his father broke up two years after having him. We were both great friends and in his life fulltime. I loved him so much. Nothing else mattered. I didn't care about partying or anything but him and college. When he turn five is when things changes. I was working so much and on my own that the majority of his time was spent with his father and their family. The time spent became less and less as my priorities shifted from him to what made me happy. Working fulltime, going to school, and pursuing my career. This caused us to disconnect and the hurt that I felt when he didn't want to even come home with me when it was time to pick him up, then turn into resentment. I then began to not even want to see him and was okay with the once a month to once every other month of time spent.
The years pasts he got older and the comfort of him not in my life became normals. I'd have guilt moments. Cry myself to sleep. Breakdown when i'd see other kids his age or resembled him, yet and still it wasn't enough for me to be more proactive or even WANT to be. I didn't know why. I don't know why I lost that connection that most mothers have with their kids. Most people would die if they didn't see their kids for months, why didn't I feel this way? I went on and built my life without him turning into "out of sight out of mind" concepts. I'd visit every blue moon or call on a good day but that was rare. I realized how much I had became my own father in so many ways both growing up with his distance to having very little to do with me once my parents split. I was now my own father who I despised.
My son is now 13. I moved to a neigboring state a couple of years ago. See him on all major holidays call about 5 times a year. Been through a lot of great transitions and epiphanys in this time and I feel amazing. This is the only thing missing and I don't know how to "feel" it as I'd want to with him. We had a great emotional talk a few months back. He's a lil genius. We both cried and I tried to explain how guilty I feel and how much I do love him..he just gently said "mommys it's okay, sometimes we go through things that we don't understand." I broke down as his love for me and how open he was about his own changes and not holding an ounce of resentment toward me.
I have been with someone I believe is my forever partner in life and love. He's been amazing and he was great with my son the few times they hung out. He comes from a very different place than I, and has been the catalyst that I needed to become a healthier me. We had a talk tonight and it opened me up to writing to all of you. He's gotten to a place where he wants to take the next step with us but is apprehensive because of the lack of mother I have been. The idea that I may not be the mother of his children he'd desire because of my own relationship with my son. It did something To me in the sense that it made me face the reality I've denied so long. I'd say things to myself before like, oh I'll just start over and be a better mom next time! What??? What about how that is gonna make your son feel? How can you even be that way? All these things going through my head in that I really need to get my mind right.
I guess what I'm asking is how could I be with way with someone i believe I truly adore. I hate myself for what I have not done. I just don't know how to get to the feeling place of wanting to be more. It's almost like I don't care to but I know that's not true. I just want to WANT to be what he-my son deserves! I just don't know how or where to start. How to be effective at this point.
I so hate myself for being the very thing we women hate and see in deadbeat dads! I want to change and be a GOOD MOM!!
I definitely think you should work on rebuilding the relationship with your 13-year-old son before you even think about having more kids. You have to let go of what you have done in the past and work on doing it differently in the future - it sounds like he is open to having a relationship with you, which is a huge positive. Take small steps - don't try to go from being uninvolved to being mom of the year in a short period of time - it will be too overwhelming and you will give up. Work on talking more frequently, then having more frequent visits. As you get to know him better, the bond should increase, and you should start to feel more like his mom - which will lead to you wanting to be an even better mom. Right now you don't have an attachment to him because you haven't been there to be attached - it takes time to repair that - I really think this is why you don't totally have those feelings of wanting to be what he deserves. You have to start small, keep making progress, and those feelings will come. It will be hard work, but it will be worth it in the end. This will also show your significant other that you do care about being a good mom, and that eventually you will be ready to be mother to his children - just work on the relationship with your son first. Good luck!