I need some advice! I am an unwed mother and I am almost due (May 20th). The baby's father wants to arrange visitation and financial support out of court because he isn't really financially stable and doesn't want to get "screwed with child support" (eyeroll)...but I don't know if that is in our best interest. Frankly, I don't even know where to begin looking for answers on this matter. I definitely don't want to make any kind of arrangement with him before I have all the facts. I just need a bit of orientation, so if anyone has any HELPFUL advice for me I would greatly appreciate it.
I MOST DEFINETLY advise against making any arrangements out of court. There's no enforcement that he'll follow through on his word. And in court giving any kind of financial state he may (or may not) be in they'll adjust accordingly. And whenever he get's more grounded you can revisit it to possibly upping the monthly payments.
And depending on your financial state, if you apply for state assistance (Food stamps, medicaid, WIC, etc.) they'll go after him irregardless of what you have "out of court". When my son and I applied for him to get on medicaid they made that a requirement. Now my ex is approximately $3000.00 back on child support. I have nothing in our custody agreement (I have full primary custody and any and ALL visitations are at my discretion) that states any kind of child support. But because my son is getting medical coverage through the state, his dad is still being charged. Now any job he gets the CS will automatically be deducted until the debt is satisfied.
Sorry for the rant. But yeah either way. Do something in court that will have a
3rd party holding him reliable to pay. Otherwise there is no one to hold him to it or hold him accountable if he stiffs you.
Single Momma to my wonderful (mostly ornery) little man:
J.Andrews: July 24
I second the need to go through the court. I tried the out of court arrangement but it ws (and really still is) very clear that what he *thinks* is fair child support and the state MINIMUM vary widely. He was PO'd when I filed but I think it as best.
He's started slacking off again (he had legitimate downscaling due to major disabling event but he's working now again and seems to have forgotten to renotify the court) so I have to go back. I don't want to, it will be ugly and I know he'll take it out by not taking his visitation which doesn't really hurt me, it hurts our daughter.
Don't know why some men behave like that.
all thing is depend according to your state family law.please try to contact with a family solicitor and get help.
it is most definately in your best interest as well as his, to go through the courts. it protects him just as much as it helps you. this way he has rights to his child, visitation, etc.... further if it's done out of court it doesn't count as child support. no matter what he's paid you, if you later go to court they will get him for back payments. so it's most definately in his best interest.
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
Going through the court is the fair thing for everyone involved. You don't want your kids to hear you begging him for money. You also don't want him to bail on a scheduled visit b-cuz he doesn't have the money and would rather avoid the argument. Money is the cause of tension between long time married couples so handing over the decision making to a third party allows you to remain calm and civil to each other. In the long run - you'll fight a lot less if you are never the "bad" guy.
going through the court will be the best solution.trust me.
I am in a simmilar situation and I am feeling at a loss myself. My sons father still wants to be involved so we are going to be looking into mediation. I can't really tell you much about it I am waiting on information myself but I think it is less costly and basically the 2 of you come to an agreement and it is put in writing this way you both are protected. I think it is just one trip to the court and doesn't cost as much. I would protect yourself and your child and its just better for everyone all around!
I would go to court, but I would agree to everything ahead of time. Fighting tooth and nail for everything in court won't help and may do more harm than good to the kids (the most important part of the whole thing!). Be civil, don't look at it as a tool to get back to him, be reasonable, understanding...then put it all in writing, and let it be.
In my opinion, you should do both. Having both of you sit out and design up a plan of when visitation will take place and how much support will be given and then taking it in front of the courts to be put into place, will probably benefit you more than you know.
I chose not to file for child support with my youngest, as his dad wants nothing to do with him and has not tried to see him or even offer to buy a dollar box of wipes, but in my case, there will be no visitation or courts, i dont want his money I can support my own children, with or without the dad being in their life. I know later on that this will be a problem with explaining it to my son, but I can only worry about one thing at a time and his health and safety now is more important than a conversation ten years from now.
Each state has different ways they view a family affair such as child support and unmarried parents, I would start with researching my state laws before taking my advice or anyone elses (no offense to anyone), but your state might be opposite of mine or ours.