My MIL wants alone time with my infant

[coppermama]

My MIL and SIL only want to visit with my 5 month old when I'm not home. I feel stuck because I can't take him over their house because it is unsafe-they are hoarders...so they have to invade our house in order to visit my son. They stay for excessive hours and are loud and obnoxious. I know they love my son and so I want them in his life, but it really freaks me out that they don't want me around when they see him. When they have babysat in the past, they have acted questionably-taking literally hundreds of photos, dressing him in multiple outfits, inviting others over to our home...and that is just what i know of. I think my husband feels put in the middle which i sympathize with, but their behavior is just so bizarre to me. Now i know that they are scheming to come over when I am at work and my husband is home. I am a nice person and always kind to them. I really just don't get it! Comments?

[Jayney]

If you aren't comfortable with it, just tell her so.

Ex.

MIL, "I want to babysit baby alone on Tuesday."

You, "I'm just not comfortable with him being left without me or husband yet. Last time I left him I just had really bad anxiety over it and I'd just like to wait until he's older and I'm more comfortable with it."

Something like that. She'll (hopefully) just take it as you being a worried, first time mother.

I know you think her behavior is puzzling, but it's really just Grandma-Syndrome. My MIL takes so many pictures of my boy and all of her other grandbabies. And they all love her to death, we are so fortunate to have her in our lives. And as far as putting him in different outfits, it's probably just for a variety of pictures. Just try to see it from her point of view, try to be flexible, but don't let her overstep your boundaries.

[sarasanwar]

I must say I agree with Jayney. But I would also make sure you talk with your husband about this. Make sure the two of you agree on this together that way if your MIL goes to him he can parrot what you have said. I would also make sure you make clear that you do not want people you do not know and haven't approved of around your son without your knowledge. Just say something to the effect of, "I'm also really uncomfortable with having people I don't know around him. If you want to introduce him so someone, that's fine but I'd like to meet this person to. It would just make me feel better as a new mom."

[OneLove2010]

I went through a similar situation. And the only thing you can do is sit her down. Or write her a letter about it. If she starts problems about it, all you can do is say "He's my child. And I'm worried about his safety. Nothing you can say is going to change that." Make some boundaries. If she crosses them, then maybe you should think about cutting visits to ONLY when you are supervising.

[reneeg50]

My MIL is the same way. I have 2 little boys....a 2 yr old and an 8 month old and ever since I had my first baby my MIL has tried being a mom again. I don't really know what to tell you except that I understand what you are going through. You have to talk to your husband about and try to be firm but still gentle. Its difficult trying to describe what you are feeling and still be respectful toward your husband's mother. Whenever, I use to leave my babies with my MIL she use to go and visit and show off the boys to her friends and extended family without telling us. I caught her giving my baby formula instead of the breastmilk I pumped for him. She would tell me she was going to the grocery store with my son and then she would go somewhere else. Needless to say.....I just don't let her spend any alone time with the boys. Its sad....but I just don't trust her. It weirds me out. She just can't be a grandma....she wants to be their mother. We visit my inlaws every sunday for the entire day and I make sure she gets plenty of time to enjoy the boys but I won't ever let her be alone with them. My husband knows this. He was a little hurt when I told him that I just wasn't comfortable with her being alone but its not like I didn't have any reasons. All I can say is try talking to your husband about your feelings. Trust your instincts. If you don't feel right.....just say no. You are your baby's mother.

Good luck

[cb2ski]

I know how you feel - I don't get along well with my SIL and my MIL and FIL take SO many pics of my daughter when they babysit. We stopped by their house on Halloween so they could see her and finally after she was fussy and tired, I was changing her diaper to get her ready to leave and my MIL was still snapping away and exclaiming, "Wow! Look at that temper!" I wanted to slap her hard. I'd cry too if some woman was shooting a flash in my face non-stop when I was sleepy and ready to go home.

I just told my husband that I don't like people coming to visit the baby when I'm not home or taking a nap (I'm pregnant). So it isn't going to happen. I think if you aren't comfortable with it, you should just tell your husband that it needs to stop It is your home, you're the mom and you need to feel comfortable.

[jocelynmadsen]

Darn straight you should be uncomfortable with them! The picture thing maaayyyybe might be just a weird way they have of remembering the baby, but the whole inviting people over to YOUR house to visit YOUR baby without YOUR permission is just uncalled for. I also agree that they don't need to be changing your baby's outfits during a photo shoot. I don't know about your baby, but if mine was handled that much in such a short period of time, they would have been in tears in no time, which would make for poor pictures anyways.

Don't feel bad about not wanting them to babysit either. I won't let my MIL or even my own mother babysit either. It's not that they have outdated ideas - that's to be expected from someone who grew up in a different generation - it's that they won't listen to what I tell them is important to me (which sounds like a common theme here!). My own mother pooh poohs carseat safety. The last time I let her babysit (while I was in the hospital having my second one), I specifically gave her my car with the carseat already properly installed so she would have something safe to drive. She decided her own car was just as good and so moved the carseat to her own car. When my irked husband found out and went to retrieve our son and the carseat, the seat was so loosely installed he could lay it on its side while the belt was still buckled. And my MIL is such a nervous wreck all the time that she can't figure out how to open a locked door if someone knocks more than once. If there was a fire or something my kids would all die!

When it comes to the whole not letting my MIL be alone with the kids, there was a fight about it with my husband, because initially he got defensive because I was insulting his mommy. But after I pointed out that I thought he was being an idiot because we felt the same way about my mother, he calmed down a lot. There's probably nicer ways to explain this concept to your husband, but mine doesn't generally listen unless my tongue dishes out some tough love followed by some ego soothing! There must be something about your side of the family that makes your husband uncomfortable, maybe you could point that out to him to help him feel less like you're attacking his family irrationally (though it is in fact TOTALLY rational). Another way we soothed his mom's feelings was to let her be "alone" with the kids in a public place where we're close. We usually take the kids to our gym daycare while we work out, but when she visits we let her take the kids to the kids' gym instead. That way she gets some time with them without us hovering over her, but she's surrounded by other people who can intervene or notify us if something goes wrong. Then we have an excuse to limit the time she has alone with them because "we're done with the workout and we need to go home and shower". Maybe something like this would work for you?

Sorry the post is so long, thanks for reading. Good luck!

[cammdesi]

I believe a mother knows best, and if you feel its not a good idea then stick with it. Its your baby and its your call. I went thru something similiar with a push mother in law who wanted to have my baby alone , and she also would break all my rules . i wish i had never allowed her to have my child alone to begin with but I ended it shortly after i figured out that my first call was right , and after a while she got over it. MOther in laws can be very overbearing but they can be set straight i hope it works out for you

[Tiffer72]

Remember one thing about raising your child. "She with the stretch marks wins." Period. They do it your way or no way. And get hubby on board quickly, if you think he will have them over when you're not home.

[coppermama13]

Ah! Thank you ladies for all of your comments, suggestions and support. She DOES want to relive being a mom. I have broached the subject with my husband several times and even my SIL agrees with me that MIL is incapable of watching my son. My husband is slowly stubbornly getting the picture I think. He isn't the type that believes without seeing. Anyway, she is still a huge pain but at least I feel like I'm not alone.