new mom jitters

[lou]

I have to confess that while most the time I'm happy about my impending arrival I do have my moments of uncertainty among other things. just a year ago I was single, in my own house, doing what I wanted, when I wanted, and How I wanted. I had a blast! I was in school and working doing my own thing. Now it seems that almost over night I've become a stepmom to two boys and soon to be mother of one boy. I have to say it's a drastic change to say the least. what makes this feeling worse is knowing that on the weekends we have the boys I'll be staying home with them and our son while my fiance plays. Granted it's not going to be every weekend we have them and I love the fact that my fiance is a musician. It's more of the fact that my schedule is going to be worked around his making it seem that while my freedom has been revoked he still maintains a degree of his. we'll both work during the day, but then he'll be playing out fairly often afterwards which leaves me at home with the kids alot. My fiance is great mind you, I couldn't possibly have a better man, Well sometimes I think that if he came with a mute button he'd be just perfect! I know I'll still get my time to go out and do whatever I want but when you have to schedule time in for yourself where before it just never accured to you to do something like that it that just takes the glamour out of it, for me at least. He'll still get his sunday morning motorcycle rides in and though I know him playing music is a JOB as well as fun I just get sort of jealous I guess of all the nights out he'll still get while I'm at home with all the kids. I'm a musician too so I know exactly what it entails. It just seems to me that in so many ways women get the short end of the stick as far as having kids goes.

That said I must also say that there are redeeming moments. last night I was feeling all this particularly strong. we had the boys last night and his friend was in from out of town and came over. they were all sitting around drinking, not excessively but I must admit I'm still jealous and really want my body back to myself. His friend's a musician too and was in town to do a show. I knew my fiance was considering going but we made other plans instead that involved his kids and us after his friends left. (I really think I would have lost it if on top of him working and playing out and his sunday morning motorcycle ride he went out just to drink while leaving me big and pregnant at home with his two boys). I know I'm just extra sensitive right now but that's how I feel and I can't help it. Anyway later that evening we took the boys to a friends house and all of us were tyedying T-shirts I purchased earlier in the day. BTW a project best done outside in old clothes and with gloves, though they don't really help that much, they still tyedyed their hands. I'm certain we'll be hearing from their mom on that one!!! any way during this process the 9 yr old tells us he's going to be cooking breakfst in the morning and what he going to make and then says to me that I'll be getting breakfast in bed. I have to say that though I was previously feeling a bit resentful of my impending loss of freedom that just made it melt away. that and later that evening when putting them to bed and hearing the I love you's from my two stepsons just makes me feel a million times better about it all. So what about everyone else? I can't possibly be the only one that has these feelings. what are the redeeming moments for you, the one's that make it all worth it?

[myboysmom]

That's awesome! And don't feel bad about the resentful feelings. I'm on my 3rd and still have them!! I get jealous that my hubby goes to work every night and leaves me to put the boys to bed every night (my choice to be a SAHM, btw) , and that he leaves us to go on a fire call every once in a while! How ridiculous, right? But in my mind, he is "kid-free" during those times, and some days it feels like I never am. . . . Not totally true, I guess. And as far as the drinking thing, I've never been a heavy drinker. Usually about 4 times a year I go out and do "my thing" at the bar or whatever. But I have never wanted a drink so bad as I have during this pregnancy!! I have no idea why, but it just sounds so good right now. . . So you're not alone, and you don't need to feel bad.

[lou]

thanks for the understanding and encouragement. it helps alot just knowing I'm not alone and I don't feel near as bad as I did knowing I'm not the only one that feels this way. Songcriket, I don't know how you do it. I would be insane with my SO gone so much.
I also think part of it is him leaving me with his kids when he has to play while they're with us. the kids are great don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but they aren't mine and while he plays I can still pack up our little one and go do things, visit friends etc. However, with the boys there I can't do that as they've school etc, and need to be home in their own beds. It's just a really huge adjustment going from having no kids to having or being responible rather for 3. I know I won't treat his kids differently than my own, but I can't help that feeling that they aren't mine so why am I here with them while their father is ........?
I would do anything to help my fiance out and helping with his kids is part of the package, I get all that. However, feelings know no reason. I also must admit that I think part of it is their mother and all this money going her way since I came around. We would be so much better off, already moved to our new house, were it not for her. I know that it's not the boys fault in any way shape or form. I just feel a little resentful of the situation and that if they were actually my kids I wouldn't necessarily feel this way.
Again thanks for letting me vent. I'm pretty good about not taking things out on other people but getting things off my chest here just ensures that it won't happen.