Mr. Mom

[mommy42boys]

So my husband is currently playing Mr. Mom and driving me crazy! He lost his job at the first of the year and hasn't been able to find another one yet. We can not continue to pay childcare while he is not working so yesterday was his first day at home with the boys. He is miserable! I don't get it. I know it is different for men and women but come on! You are their dad! It's like he doesn't understand that the kids come first. He makes himself a list of things he wants to accomplish in a day and gets angry because it doesn't get done. No where on his list is getting the boys dressed, feeding them, playing with them. I know he feels worthless if he is not working but he doesn't get that he IS working when he is taking care of the boys. Then, when the baby gets up in the middle of the night I have to get up with him even though I work the next day. If the roles were reversed there is no way I would do that to him. I tried to get him to get up and he freaked out on me. Cussing and punching the bed. I don't want him around my son acting like that. I don't know what to do!

[Jayney]

I'm sorry your family is going through this. When my husband was laid off (right when my son was born) he felt totally worthless. He turned into this lazy guy that I couldn't recognize. The normal, confident guy I knew was obsessed with cleanliness. Whether it be with the house or himself or our son. After he lost his job, the house was disgusting, he showered every couple of days, and was lazy with my son's hygiene. I had to pick up all of his slack. Finally. I just stopped one day (not with my son of course.) I let the dishes pile up, I wouldn't do his laundry, I let him go until he had no clothes. I just made him make the decision for himself. Do I want to be clean and happy? Or do I want to be a 'loser?' He started doing better after that.

One thing that helped my husband feel better about himself was that he knew that he was helping me out. He didn't realize it at first, but I'd make sure to tell him how great it was of him to do this and that. He liked it. He'd cook me dinner so I wouldn't have to after work. He eventually made it so I never came home to a complete disaster. We had a whiteboard on our refrigerator and I would write, "I'd really appreciate it if you would do ___________. Love you!" He liked that, so I wasn't 'nagging' him about anything.

I know the situations aren't exactly the same, but I just thought it'd help if you know that we pulled through, and so will you.

OH. And as for the little meltdown he had in bed, I would just say, "How old are you?" Sometimes men just need a kick in the @ss to realize that they are acting like idiots.

[mommywarrior]

Ok I don't mean to sound rude, just being blunt. You need to give your husband a break! I mean this was his first day at home and because the children didn't go missing means it was a success! Men's self esteems are based on how they are able to provide for their family. He isn't doing that right now and so he feels useless. Being home is just a reminder that he has failed. So of course this is going to suck for him. We mom's are the first to admit how difficult taking care of children is and yet we get upset when our husbands have a hard time or get frustrated? Definitely not ok! He isn't used to it, it's going to take time and just like you get frustrated with not getting things done doesn't mean that he isn't going to either. Geez just be happy he is willing to help and understand that he is feeling so pathetic right now. He needs your understanding, compliments and support. And he isn't going to feel better till he is out providing for his family again. So if you want him to feel better about staying home, don't go off on how taking care of children IS work. And never under any circumstances tell him he forgot something, messed something up or didn't do something right. That will just make him feel worse and hate life more. Instead compliment him on everything and let him know how you can't even imagine how hard this is for him and how much you appreciate everything he is doing. Cussing and punching out the bed? I have wanted to do that many times when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night! Haven't you? And be glad that he is open about his feelings. Most men clam up and hold it in. He's tired, frustrated and angry at himself and you aren't helping him with your "you need to man up and take it" attitude. He is doing so much for you and all you are thinking about is yourself. He needs your understanding because he feels pathetic. Men need to feel manly to feel good about themselves and being laid off took that away from him and he doesn't need you rubbing it in his face. Men have feelings and just like you would want him to care about yours, maybe you should really TRY and care about his. You say, "He is miserable! I don't get it!" Well maybe you should try too. I feel sorry for your husband because his wife, the person who should have his back no matter what, is blowing off the rough time he is having. Seriously stop looking in the mirror and realize that their are people with feelings outside of yourself.

[Jayney]

Mommywarrior- I have to agree with you in the sense that it has only been one day. But..if it continues like that, she DEFINITELY needs to say something. You cannot just let him act that way for however long he is out of work. He feels worthless. It's not her fault. I'm sure she would gladly send him back to work if she could. Kids are work, but somehow, moms get the job done. No reason that dad shouldn't. But, it has only been one day. Time will tell.

[mommywarrior]

I just think it's ridiculous because women are allowed to complain out rearing children all they want but we expect our husbands to help out no compliant? I think things with her husband would go a lot better if she considered his feelings and that they wouldn't seem as bad if she really tried to understand how he feels. Yes he is capable of doing it but this sucks for him. We can't expect to think like men do, there is no way for us to understand how something like not having a job is demeaning. Obviously it would be nice if he was more excited about the idea but she isn't making any of this easier on him. He needs her to be supportive and she is just being critical. There are single moms out there who would die to have him for a husband because he is there and he is trying. Sure he isn't having fun but that's ok he is still doing it! He doesn't have to be happy all the time especially when he is having a rough time in his life. And the cussing and punching the bed? Seriously, have you never over reacted or had a melt down? I totally understand his actions and while they are immature who hasn't had a melt down! He has got the stress of being unemployed plus he is trying to run a house hold, something he has never done and at the end of the day the one thing he wants is to sleep and the baby wakes up. I've gotten up crying when the baby wakes up at night because I just want to sleep and that is without being unemployed. He is HATING life right now. If she really loved him she'd see that and she'd be trying to help instead of complaining.

[mommywarrior]

Let me clarify something, if he had ASKED to stay home and be Mr. Mom and that was the agreement then he would be acting like a baby and he needs to grow up big time.

BUT...

He DIDN'T ask for this. He has been forced into it and that doesn't make anyone happy. She should respect him for even bothering. She needs to be positive, never say anything negative and understand that things aren't going to be perfect around the house, but that's ok! She needs to count her blessings!

[Jayney]

I can see what you are saying.

[mommy42boys]

I DO support my husband and understand that he is having a difficult time. I don't complain to him or lash out at him. I came to this web-site to get my feelings out because I DON'T do it in front of him. Mommywarrior, you got a tiny glimpse of my situation and assumed that I am not giving my husband a break. I do not tell him to get over it or that I don't understand his feelings. And when I get home from work at the end of the day I take the boys and play with them for about an hour before I have to start dinner so that he can get out of the house.

[Jayney]

I think you are handling yourself very well, mommy42boys. Vent all you need to, I understand where you are coming from.

[mommywarrior]

I understand needing to vent and you are right, that this is the place to do it but people aren't always going to agree with you and that's ok! I like to think it's just a difference of oppinion.

I am very glad you don't complain to him, that is really awesome. Most women would. I was mainly focusing my comments on what you said about him being miserable and that you didn't get it. But now that you are saying that you do understand and that you do help out, that's great! Your first post just seemed to me like you weren't supporting him or didn't understand how he feels. He is lucky to have you especially if after working all day you are taking the kids out and making dinner! I am sorry, that I jumped to conclusions but none of this was mentioned in the first post. You are doing great and I apologize... If you werent supporting him then my previous comments would stand but that's not what's going on. I wasn't trying to be rude, though I know I totally came off sounding that way. I was just voicing an opinnion but I obviously didn't have all the info and I am very sorry... I hope your husband can get work soon so your lives can go back to normal!