SIL is obsessed with my child PT. 2 help

[kateambers123]

so i had a post awhile back about my sister in law being obsessed with my daughter. well another incident happened. she asked my husband and i if she could "borrow" our 15 month old daughter and take her to a kids birthday party. I was truly speechless when she asked me because how could you "borrow" a toddler to take to a party without the parents? i was shocked that she did NOT invite me NOR MY husband but instead she just asked straight up if she could borrow our daughter for the party. Mind you, i don't know any of her friends, co-workers, or anyone shes in contact with so therefore, this "party" she wants to take my daughter to is filled with strangers and kids that i've never seen in my entire life! she's my husbands older sister and she is not married and does not have kids. she mentioned a couple of times that she feels a bit weird about everyone at work getting married and having children while she has neither. i feel bad for her but does this give her the right to want to take my child for the day to play MOMMY with her??
OK maybe if my daughter was at least 3 years old then i'd consider it! but she is only 15 months old, still in diapers and still very fussy around strangers and we've gone to a few birthday parties already and it was disastrous since she's so shy. I can't imagine someone else besides my husband or me being able to calm her down! also, i do NOT trust anyone driving my baby around to some random party i don't even know!!!!
i'm sorry but this is SO weird to me! and it's not just this incident. there has been alot of things she's done to make me feel like nothing is RIGHT about this picture at all.
if you've read my post before, i've said that when my daughter was a newborn, my SIL came over nearly EVERYDAY to see her and it took away alot of my bonding time and alone time with my first baby. also she came over one time to "help" me out when i told her specifically that my FRIEND was on her way to come and lend me a hand. She goes ok i'll leave as soon as your friend comes! So i was like ok well that's fine, i suppose. My friend comes, and guess what? My SIL decides to NOT go home and decides to go into the bedroom with my newborn daughter and close the door to spend ALONE time with her thinking she was doing me a favor.
I know i may sound ungrateful but that's not even the case, trust me. I'm grateful to know she's always there and always wanting to help me out but seriously, she really goes overboard and i don't appreciate her trying to invade in on my space with my daughter and always trying to play pretend mommy with her whenever she can! i don't think that is fair to me at all!
I've never been mean to her about this because I don't want there to be a wall between us. She is very nice, sweet, and generous but i feel like she uses that to her advantage because then i feel bad!
Back to the party subject, I told her No i don't think its a good idea to take my daughter to a party with people i don't know and that maybe it would be different and better if she was older.
I feel like my husband should address this subject with her but i don't want to bring this up to him because i am so tired of fighting with him all the time about his family.
I just want them to back off and respect my wishes! My god, she is only 15 months old, Who in their right mind would want to take full responsibility at a birthday party with a baby that doesn't belong to them? I know it's her niece and i truly wish she could find a partner and get married and maybe she would finding the missing piece in her life because i can see that she's lonely and incomplete. But that does not mean she can feed off of my experience with my daughter and pretend its her own. There needs to be a line drawn!

What do you guys think of this situation? Would you allow your SIL to take your 15 month old to a party with people YOU don't even know??

[Jayney]

I would trust one of my four sister-in-law's with taking my son. We are pretty close and I really do trust her with my child...The other three, no probably not. I wouldn't trust my own sister with my son or my own mother for that matter..

Bring it up to your husband. A fight is a fight, he'll get over it. Do you really want to look back on your child's life and always have to picture your SIL right there in your memories? I wouldn't. If he won't do it, just tell her you just need her to back off some. If she gets upset, oh well. If she loves her niece, she'll get over it so she can still see her. Good luck to you. You've handled it better than I ever would have.

[rickip]

Kate, I think I remember your previous post and commented on it. I would stress to you, that NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES, please do NOT let her take your child to a party if it makes you uncomfortable. I agree, she sounds obsessive. Trust your Mommy instincts!

Think about it, BEST case scenario, she brings her and the baby does ok but you said yourself she's shy. From what I've read, I wouldn't be surprised a bit if she's told her co-workers about HER daughter and has pics of her at work... have you ever been to her work, btw? Just a thought. And worst case scenario, well, family members disappear with an infant or child family member every day, just imagining they'll be a better parent or delude themselves into thinking they deserve this. Before you say, "never," just think of the parents it HAS happened to, do you think they would have let their child go with someone else if they thought it COULD happen?

I think you should sit down with your husband some evening, when baby is sleeping, TV off, take his hands in yours, and non-judgmentally but very firmly explain how his sister's continued behavior makes you feel. Even if he tries to downplay it, it is HIS job to make you feel ok, and together you need to establish some boundaries and rules. #1 being that she is never alone with your daughter. That hiding in the bedroom with her thing is just weird. Sure, she's probably (possibly?) not harming her, but keeping her from getting attention from your other friends is just plain unreasonable behavior.

One more thing, I would take the option of alienating the SIL in a heartbeat before I would risk something happening to my child. Good luck to you, keep us updated, I've been curious how that's been going...

[coma1105]

okay...I'm having this exact same issue with my mother in law. I just talked to my husband about it and we both agreed that she is no longer allowed unsupervised visits with our son. I mean, she was doing things worse than your SIL but you need to talk to your husband about it...

[charliesmommy]

I wouldn't have a problem with it. But, my SIL has a daughter and I trust her completely.

When my nephew was a baby my SIL and my brother would for sure let me take him at that age.

But, I do agree that if you don't feel comfortable with it, don't let her take your baby.

[lesileepratt@yahoo.com]

wow...i can absolutely relate. My SIL has repeatedly asked both my husband and I if she "have" my child for the day since she will be in the area...umm-no! My husband and I have discussed it because it comes up so often and luckily, he completely agrees with me that she needs to back off. Now we just tell her to come over or we will come to her if she wants to visit. I can understand that is may not seem like that big a deal to some, but it really can be aggravating when a family member seems to feel that your child is theirs, despite good intentions. My advice would be to keep things in perspective that really she is a good person that loves her niece, but make sure that you firmly, but kindly relay your boundaries to her. let her know what you are comfortable with her doing with your child and hopefully she will take a hint... good luck and remember that your the mom and you really have the final say.)

[kateambers123]

thank you so much for all of the feedback! for those of you that were able to talk to your husbands and come to an agreement, you guys are very fortunate and lucky. My husband does not even want to HEAR me talking about anything that deals with his family being obsessive. Possibly because he knows its true but its also still his family so he feels stuck. I'm just so stressed out from this. My husband told me he will "invite himself" to the party with his sister so that our daughter can go. That's better than her taking him alone of course but that's not the point I am trying to make here. What he should've done was set her straight and tell her the boundaries. but instead he goes and invite himself to the party making it seem ok for her to continue this behavior in asking to borrow our daughter to take wherever she wants with her!!! Oh and get this, even though my husband told her he was coming, she still hasn't invited ME yet which i find surprisingly ODD. Something really tells me it is because she would rather have ONLY my husband go with her, or she goes alone, because if I COME, my husband and i will both be the parents that day at the party while she will be left out with no kid to play pretend with.
You know, if she wasn't so obsessive and controlling towards my daughter, then I wouldn't be so furious about her asking me this. But because she's done SO many irritating things in the past, this is just pressing more buttons to piss me off. And it sucks because my husband isn't on my side with this.

[kateambers123]

PS. i don't think i have ever been to a party where a 15 month old child was left in someone else's hands other than the parents for responsibility. UNLESS it was a family's gathering or close family birthday party and the parents had work or something important to attend to. Otherwise, I don't know recall a time where a baby was left to go off partying with random strangers and an auntie, while the parents were left at home uninvited. THAT... is so odd to me i just can't see any reasoning with that.

[taraken]

I think it really depends on the situation. I have not read your previous posted, but let me tell you a little about an experience from the other perspective.

My SIL/BIL had a little girl 2.5 years ago. We were sooo excited because she was our first niece. I spent a ton of money on presents and shower gifts because we were excited about having a little one to spoil and "give back". We have a lot of little kids we are close to (4 godchildren), but this was different be it was our niece.

After she was born SIL & BIL would let people hold her some times and then were super possessive others. It is their right, they are the parents. When they needed something they would reach out, but we never felt like we could ask to spend time with her and stopped calling to ask how she was etc. About 6 months later my sister had a baby. Unlike my SIL/BIL who lived 1 hour away, she live across the country. My sister did everything to get us to know her daughter. She sent pictures, called, put us on the phone, skyped, and when we were around handed her over and made a big deal about us having a relationship.

Fast forward two years, I don't know my first niece well at all. It takes her almost an hour for her to walk over and give us a hug at large family events. It isn't just us she is like this around, it is a lot of people. She is very nervous in groups and is EXTREMELY attached to her parents. Our other niece who now lives 8 hours away asks to call us and talks about us all the time. She is sooo excited when we show up places and we both have an amazing connection with her. (Not as a parent and an aunt/uncle). This niece is so good in social situations. She can play with anyone and loves to talk to EVERYone.

The BIL/SIL make comments now about how close we are to my sisters daughter and gets all competitive when I talk about her. It bugs the heck out of me. It isn't my fault we don't have a relationship that is strong with her child....and to me it is almost to late. We recently found out we were expecting and all of a sudden they seem to be interested in us being close to our niece now that she will have a cousin. I am not saying I have no interest...but we are never going to have the same connection with her we do with my sisters children...and my children probably won't either. I hate that is how it is...but I feel like it is a result of they way they were, not understanding that their daughter was important to us...because she was our niece...and no other reason.

This is just a thought, to look at it from a different perspective..if the aunt is that creepy...then I can understand..but if she just wants to be close to your daughter...I would count it is a blessing. The more people that love your child, the more support they will have in life when good things and bad things will happen.

[Jayney]

Is it a kid's party she is going to? Maybe she just doesn't want to be the only one their without a child. And if you don't know them, I'm sure that's why you weren't invited.

I'm not trying to 'defend' her or anything, but maybe she just wants to 'fit in' at the party. I mean, if she were like, "Hey guys! This is my daughter..." THAT would be creepy.